To tell or not to tell

  • 10 Replies
  • 482 Views
*

SunnyMeadow

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 623
To tell or not to tell
« on: June 26, 2020, 05:43:57 PM »
This shouldn't even be an issue for me, but sadly it is. I wish this FOG in me would vanish.

I have an uNPDmother. She operates from the covert side of the spectrum, lots of waif, queen and woe is me. People visiting her is a big hot topic. She thinks anyone who comes over needs to stay for hours and hours. Two or three hours isn't good enough, seriously.

I have a child who lives out of state, child is planning a quick visit to see me. My mother lives near by and will expect child and I to come see her. We don't want to. It's never pleasant and easygoing. So my dilemma is to not tell her child is coming, which I really don't want to lie but will to protect myself. My child should be able to come see me without spending 6 hours at grandma's house for crying out loud!! >:( 

Or just tell her my child is only popping into town for a quick visit (one night) and there won't be time. Can you believe this is an issue? I'm sort of thinking just to tell her and let the dramatic chips fall where they may. I've been reading how I can't control other's feelings and if she's hurt.....that's how it goes and not my problem. I've always been her 'feelings soother' and this is a tough one to break.

I feeling kind of silly for bringing it up but would like your gut reactions to this. I trust you guys and there is nowhere else I could talk about this.  :unsure:


« Last Edit: June 26, 2020, 06:22:44 PM by SunnyMeadow »

*

Andeza

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 541
Re: To tell or not to tell
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2020, 06:48:59 PM »
If you can emotionally just let the chips fall, and handle the fallout of telling her "No, we won't be stopping by as the visit is too short" then by all means go ahead! But if that would be very hard on you, and potentially damaging, and cause you to fall into your programmed "feelings soother" then don't mention it at all. You know yourself best and you'll be able to make the right choice. :bighug:

*

Thru the Rain

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 454
Re: To tell or not to tell
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2020, 08:11:50 PM »
My DH's grandparents were like this.

We usually made the rounds when we visited our home state, but on one trip we were there for my grandmother's funeral. As you can imagine, this wasn't a fun or planned trip. We made the 12 hour drive and were exhausted when we arrived. DH's grandparents insisted we drive another hour to come and see them. And you know it wouldn't have been OK to stop for just 15 or 30 minutes.

We said no. Grandparents said if you don't come to see us right now, we'll never speak to you again. And they never did. They cut off their grandson (my DH) without another word. We never heard a peep from them until they died some years later.

I'm sure they thought we were sweating bullets over their silent treatment. The truth was they were terrible, mean people and we only realized at DH's grandfather's funeral that they truly had cut us off.

I'd say silence is golden and what your M doesn't know won't hurt her - or more importantly won't hurt your child. And if your child arrives and WANT to see your M - what a nice surprise that will be for your M! You can call and tell her "Hey, guess who's coming over to see you this afternoon? Isn't this a nice surprise!"


*

SunnyMeadow

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 623
Re: To tell or not to tell
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2020, 10:38:25 AM »
Thanks Andeza and Thru the Rain! It's nice to get opinions from people who understand the FOG.

I'm thinking I'll go the silence is golden route. It seems easier to deal with than the sad, waify emails and texts I'd receive if she knew. I know my child doesn't like grandma (no one does) and hopes to never have to visit again.

Thru the Rain, my uNPDmother and her husband cut a grandchild (not mine) out of the will because grandchild didn't call them quickly enough.  :wacko: Plus they do the life long silent treatment too. Mind boggling!

 

*

lkdrymom

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 652
Re: To tell or not to tell
« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2020, 02:58:28 PM »
I wouldn't tell her about the visit.  If your child has time for a 45 minute visit on their way home, so be it.  Let it be a surprise.

Reminds me of my grandmother. My BF and I went to visit her for the day and take her to lunch to announce our engagement.  You'd think she would be thrilled that we personally came to tell her and took her out. NOPE! She spent the entire visit gripping about how my father did not tell her we were engaged when he called her that morning.  You can't win with people like this so stop trying .

*

SunnyMeadow

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 623
Re: To tell or not to tell
« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2020, 05:51:28 PM »
I wouldn't tell her about the visit.  If your child has time for a 45 minute visit on their way home, so be it.  Let it be a surprise.

Reminds me of my grandmother. My BF and I went to visit her for the day and take her to lunch to announce our engagement.  You'd think she would be thrilled that we personally came to tell her and took her out. NOPE! She spent the entire visit gripping about how my father did not tell her we were engaged when he called her that morning.  You can't win with people like this so stop trying .

How similar they are! Mine would gripe about the very same thing. In fact, mine posted some woe is me crap in reply to an acquaintance who posted their wedding photo on social media.

I like your advice in the last sentence. Smart!

« Last Edit: June 27, 2020, 05:55:49 PM by SunnyMeadow »

*

whole hearted

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 65
Re: To tell or not to tell
« Reply #6 on: July 01, 2020, 09:51:54 PM »
My advice is to stay quiet. If your child wants to pop in (unlikely) then as someone else said, let it be a surprise 'I was just in town for the day" visit.

If this was my uNPD mother and I took the 'tell her and let the chips fall' option, a few things would be inevitable.

1. Major gaslighting campaign would start. Everything you do for her immediately forgotten or dismissed and you are the worst person ever. She would be the injured party, victim blah blah.
2. Major propaganda campaign would start, others would be enlisted. Probable flying monkeys incomming

My advice is to relax and enjoy the visit with your child, If guilty thoughts rear their head, just say 'thanks for your opinion but see you later'.

I read this the other day; 'If you want to assess someone's emotional maturity; tell them no'. In other words; if this was my uNPD mother, there is no self-awareness, insight or emotional maturity to cope with being told that no visit was going to happen. It would be a major triggering event with the inevitable fallout.

Best avoided my dear. Your choice of course :)

*

SunnyMeadow

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 623
Re: To tell or not to tell
« Reply #7 on: July 02, 2020, 11:32:28 AM »
My advice is to stay quiet. If your child wants to pop in (unlikely) then as someone else said, let it be a surprise 'I was just in town for the day" visit.

If this was my uNPD mother and I took the 'tell her and let the chips fall' option, a few things would be inevitable.

1. Major gaslighting campaign would start. Everything you do for her immediately forgotten or dismissed and you are the worst person ever. She would be the injured party, victim blah blah.
2. Major propaganda campaign would start, others would be enlisted. Probable flying monkeys incomming

My advice is to relax and enjoy the visit with your child, If guilty thoughts rear their head, just say 'thanks for your opinion but see you later'.

I read this the other day; 'If you want to assess someone's emotional maturity; tell them no'. In other words; if this was my uNPD mother, there is no self-awareness, insight or emotional maturity to cope with being told that no visit was going to happen. It would be a major triggering event with the inevitable fallout.

Best avoided my dear. Your choice of course :)

Thank you for this post. It puts it into perspective. You writing about the gaslighting, victim, injured party and propaganda really helps me see what would happen. My mother sounds a lot like your mother. A big event for sure and I can't deal with the stress! Anytime I have stress from her now, my body has bad effects.  :(



*

whole hearted

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 65
Re: To tell or not to tell
« Reply #8 on: July 03, 2020, 08:30:05 AM »
Thanks SunnyMeadow. I read so many posts myself where I think ' I could have written that'. I once read that all unhappy families have similarities, and we could also say that all uNPD mothers have similarities !

I think I'm probably quite like you too. We cope with a lot don't we ?  We're good people SunnyMeadow so don't feel any guilt about keeping this from your mother. She can only relate to the world through the lens of her NPD and that, when triggered is not a safe or happy place for us, especially if they perceive that we are the cause or to blame. Your safety and wellbeing matters and needs to be safeguarded. Big hugs !

*

Bloomie

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 13266
Re: To tell or not to tell
« Reply #9 on: July 03, 2020, 11:51:23 AM »
SunnyMeadow - something that occurred to me along this coming OOTF journey that gobsmacked me in the simple truth of it... your personal plans are not anyone else's business. You are not obligated to tell your mother your child will be visiting you. You will not be in 'trouble' if she finds out later that your child visited and didn't see her while local.

In our case it is my in law family who hold the belief that as the 'parents' :dramaqueen: they are entitled to every aspect of our lives. We are obligated to report to them and answer to them. "I have the right to know what is going on in MY family" has been said many a time.  :no:

Your private life and time with your child. Your business. Enjoy every single minute!
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸

*

SunnyMeadow

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 623
Re: To tell or not to tell
« Reply #10 on: July 03, 2020, 01:49:47 PM »
SunnyMeadow - something that occurred to me along this coming OOTF journey that gobsmacked me in the simple truth of it... your personal plans are not anyone else's business. You are not obligated to tell your mother your child will be visiting you. You will not be in 'trouble' if she finds out later that your child visited and didn't see her while local.

In our case it is my in law family who hold the belief that as the 'parents' :dramaqueen: they are entitled to every aspect of our lives. We are obligated to report to them and answer to them. "I have the right to know what is going on in MY family" has been said many a time.  :no:

Your private life and time with your child. Your business. Enjoy every single minute!

Wow! This is so true bloomie! I still must feel my mother needs to know every part of my life.

The ingrained training to please and do for my NPDparent runs so deep. I know my children don't feel they have to tell me everything, thank goodness!

Thanks for the wisdom  :hug:

« Last Edit: July 03, 2020, 01:51:35 PM by SunnyMeadow »