Moved away from a narcissist and surrounded by a bunch

[Pepin]

Ugh.  Just learned that the narcissit neighbor I moved away from has listed their home.  Both she and her husband are still employed near by so I doubt they are leaving the area.  We moved across town to have some space from her.  I am terribly worried about where they will end up and I am praying that it isn't near us.  I'd be tickled if she and her family moved to another town - then the chances of ever running into them again would be even slimmer!

What is more sad about this is that the therapist I was working with at the time Suggested that moving would be a good idea for me.  I was able to convince DH and it turns out between us we had lots of reasons for moving. 

Unfortunately, now we are sandwiched between narcissists...I suffer with this every day. 

[clara]

I sometimes think narcissism is like the coronavirus--it hangs around in the air and when it infects a person it can become Covid and make them ill.  You never know where it's going to strike, or how seriously it will affect a person, but it always seems to be just there, waiting...

For many years I worked with a narc, not a PD, but she was still bad enough.  When we were in the process of buying our current house, we discovered that her nephew was my neighbor (this is a fairly large city so what were the odds?!) and when I told another co-worker, she said not to buy the house.  Well, turns out the nephew and his family are perfectly fine, and while for a few years the narc co-worker would make periodic visits to her nephew, she wasn't much of a bother and now she seldom visits (I often wonder why but then, not really!)  The thing is, when we moved I was aware of the situation so immediately set up my boundaries with the neighbors on both sides.  For all I know, they could be narcs but they don't get the chance to inflict it upon me because I was pre-armed with the possibility.  In a way, it's sad to have to deal with people that way because most aren't narcs, but the ones who are can make your life a misery. 

I guess what I'd do if I was in your situation, Pepin, is to find a way to establish boundaries even if it's with small things.  Look at what they are doing that bothers  you, then ask yourself what someone could do to you if you were the one engaging in those behaviors that would get you to quit.  For example, awhile back a neighbor two doors down tried to engage me in a long-winded conversation mostly about himself while I was out on the front porch.  I listened and engaged to a limited degree, but I never invited him onto the porch.  He had to stay in the yard to converse with me, and I let him stand there waiting for his invitation (which I knew he expected because I'd seen him act this way with other neighbors).  I acted like being invited just wasn't going to come up, sorry, and eventually he went on his way and has never again attempted to talk with me other than polite hellos and whatnot.  I also never exchange phone numbers with neighbors.  I know there are benefits to doing so, but I just won't do it and never have. 

If your former neighbor does end up near you again, perhaps just find ways to make yourself unavailable.  Remind yourself that you don't really owe them anything, not your time nor your attention.  If they get hurt feelings, remember that they're the ones crossing boundaries uninvited.  Their hurt feelings are the result of their behavior, you're just defending yourself against that behavior.  It seems most narcs are unable or unwilling to understand how their behavior drives others away, but that's their failure.  Don't take ownership of what they do. 

[Sidney37]

Oh Pepin.  I am so sorry you moved and ended up near narcissists again.  I also hope that the old neighbor doesn't move near you.

This is honestly one of my fears.  I actually logged onto this section of the board to discuss this very issue.  My PD neighbor has me so upset and I just want to move and start over. 

We moved to our house before I had a spine, knew about PD, knew about boundaries or was Out of the FOG with my waify, covert narcissist mother.  We moved next to a woman a few years older than I am who I am now convinced is a covert narcissist.  She has shamed and bullied me for several years, but under the guise of being helpful, more aware, more knowledgeable of environmental and civic causes and a better parent!   She's a supporter of various local charities, and she uses that to prove what a good person she is while shaming me.  She has pulled plants out of MY yard and planted her own because she wanted to look at the plants she liked better.  She shamed me out of getting a fence to keep my kids safe in the yard, because she doesn't like them and they are bad for the environment.  I finally got one because I got a dog and ended up getting a fence for 2xs the cost to make her happy to be the good neighbor.  Now instead of a privacy fence like others have in my neighborhood, I have a picket fence so she can see in my yard.  She moved the pins that mark my property line and another property that borders hers because if either of us plant anything its might hurt the trees that she planted OVER the line on our properties.  Before I knew better, I allowed her daughter to babysit and she entered my house and searched through all of the rooms while "dropping off a snack" for her daughter.  Now she is violating all of the COVID rules set forth by our location because "it's not fair" that she can't have parties for various reasons.  She's had more parties since the lockdown than she's had in years.  I could go on and on and on.  At this point I can't even stand to look at her when
I see her outside. 

DH is afraid if we move that we will have worse neighbors yet at a new house.  I can't imagine that it could be worse, but I guess anything is possible.  I keep reminding myself that now that I understand boundaries maybe I would be able to set them without worrying about being neighborly.  All I cared about years ago was being nice and neighborly in my new neighborhood.  I just got taken advantage of and then when I set boundaries years later, she smeared me all over town. 

[Pepin]

DH is afraid if we move that we will have worse neighbors yet at a new house.  I can't imagine that it could be worse, but I guess anything is possible.  I keep reminding myself that now that I understand boundaries maybe I would be able to set them without worrying about being neighborly.  All I cared about years ago was being nice and neighborly in my new neighborhood.  I just got taken advantage of and then when I set boundaries years later, she smeared me all over town.

This is also my fear if we were to move again.  Though in our case it would be our 3rd move and maybe the 3rd time is lucky?  Actually, I just drove by a lovely home in a superb location that needs no work and I literally almost lost it.  Tremendous vibe coming from that home that seemed to be calling me.

That being said, I thought that I had a good handle on boundaries when we last moved but boy was I wrong.  There are so many different kinds of PDs and it seems that anything can set off having a relationship with them on the wrong foot.  I wish there was a way to meet neighbors before purchasing a home...I mean, if we are going to drop that much money, why can we not know who is at least on either side and across the street?  I know....impossible. 

That being said, I know a lot more now than I did before.  But I'm tired of being burned....especially when I couldn't have known the right boundaries to even have.  The true colors always come out after the boundaries are readjusted or set.  Or, pushback can come immediately from the first meeting because the neighbor has already made a judgement...which is definitely what happened when we moved.  I knew right away that our neighbor was going to be difficult.

As for the one from the previous neighborhood, I am still cringing....hoping that they don't move near us and attend the same schools.  My youngest would be devastated.

[guitarman]

In the "Working On Us" section of the forum Wilderhearts has recently posted about "Becoming Immune to Narcissism".
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=85099.msg732797#msg732797

They list points made by Doctor Ramani on her YouTube channel about a video she posted on how some people are immune to narcissism. You may like to take a look at it.

Some people can cope better with narcissists and don't let their behaviour affect them. It's something that I'm having to learn to do as well! It begins I suppose with having good self esteem and setting firm boundaries.

I hope your move works out for you if you do decide to go there.

[Sidney37]

That being said, I thought that I had a good handle on boundaries when we last moved but boy was I wrong.  There are so many different kinds of PDs and it seems that anything can set off having a relationship with them on the wrong foot.  I wish there was a way to meet neighbors before purchasing a home...I mean, if we are going to drop that much money, why can we not know who is at least on either side and across the street?  I know....impossible. 

I agree.   There are definitely so many types of PDs.  I have the worst time with covert narcissists.  The ones that are waify and cry that they are "just trying to help" and then cry to others if you use a boundary.  I was trained for so long that I had to feel sorry for those people and do what they demanded.  It's so hard.

That being said, I know a lot more now than I did before.  But I'm tired of being burned....especially when I couldn't have known the right boundaries to even have.  The true colors always come out after the boundaries are readjusted or set.  Or, pushback can come immediately from the first meeting because the neighbor has already made a judgement...which is definitely what happened when we moved.  I knew right away that our neighbor was going to be difficult.

That really struck me.  Not knowing the right boundaries even to have.  That is so much my issue.  I'm not sure what the right boundaries are.  And then when the narcissist pushes back, cries or tells everyone how awful I am for having a reasonable boundary, I question if the boundary was right or fair to begin with.