Wealthy uHPDsis' DD turning to sex work to pay bills

[AnneH]

Hello all, I would really appreciate some advice as to how to possibly help my niece who appears to be in an all-too-familiar situation, all without breaking NC. My first and only priority is raising my own kids with No Contact Whatsoever from toxic FOO. We have been NC from uHPDsis for nearly 10 years and from the rest of FOO for over 5 (They also do not know I have had a second child). However, I have good memories of my niece from when she is little (she would now be 19 and, according to her public profile, has recently moved in to her own apartment).

To be clear, I do read my niece's public social media (I have not friended any FOO; indeed I do not even have a social media account) but only to determine whether or not FOO is planning to show up at my doorstep, which has already happened once.

It has always been clear that uHPDsis, who has 2 young-adult kids, wants to reproduce our late uNM's setup of the family. We come from a well-off, well-educated family that would give very expensive spontaneous gifts (such as a trip abroad, a diamond ring or a grand piano) while not helping with basic necessities (i.e. decent clothes, giving me a ride when stranded due to a travel mixup, etc.) When uHPDsis' kids were little, she would make them give away all but one birthday present, dress them in shabby hand-me-downs while doing expensive home renovations, put them in daycare in faraway high-crime areas rather than near her home, etc etc etc.

Our parents were much kinder, forgiving, and accepting toward friends and acquaintances young and old than toward their own children.

My niece is now a college student who appeared to have a student job to support herself. That appears to have ended due to the pandemic and she has posted that she has applied for student aid and loans, all of which have been denied (undoubtedly due to her parents' high income). I assume that, like our parents before her, uHPDsis has cut off all financial aid to her DD now that she is an adult and she is completely on her own. (She recently posted pictures of a family vacation trip, which is totally typical of FOO: they can shower money on what they want...).

When I was turned out on my ear 2 decades ago (with the further knowledge that I and my siblings had been completely written out of our parents' will), I had the necessary skillset and the economy was such that I had no problem furthering my education and working as much as I wanted.

However, this niece, in order to earn money, has now created a sex worker page which she links to from her public profile, so anyone can identify her and take a screenshot of her "inviting" pictures to ruin her future. I assume she is desperate not to return to her parents' home but that she has no help with rent.

Any ideas on what to do? Sending money is out of the question for many reasons (not the least of which is that my only source of information is the Internet), but the whole situation just rings so true. There is also major wealth on the niece's paternal side of the family and I am wondering about possibly contacting them anonymously (relations have always been bad between uHPDsis and the in-laws due to her allergy to money), but I don't want to worsen the situation for this young woman.

[GettingOOTF]

I would not reach out to other family members. You don’t know her situation, only what you have been able to glean from her social media accounts. It’s really not your place to judge her choices or try to run her life for her based on how you think she’s handling her current situation.

As you don’t have a relationship with her you cannot know her motivations or the complexities of her own relationship with her other relatives.

Knowing what you know of your other relatives what do you think is the more likely outcome? That they rush in to help or they make her situation worse. She’s aware of their wealth and very likely already explored that option and is she hasn’t she has her own valid reasons.

This may also be something she chooses to to because she wants to. Plenty of young women have Only Fans accounts and make good money from them for example. Is it what I would choose? No it’s not. But everyone has their own reasons for choosing the path they are on.

If you are genuinely concerned and want a relationship then you can explore reaching out to her directly.  I cannot see how involving others will help you or your niece.

Honestly I have similar concerns about my own niece but as all I see is her public social media and I’m estranged from her mother  I keep out of it. If she ever reached out to me and asked for help I’d offer it but I don’t try to run her life for her. I know it won’t be looked on kindly by her. She’s a young woman with agency and she doesn’t need me, her aunt who hasn’t been an active part of her life, offering her advice on how to live.

I also used to check up on people on line and get worried and try to problem solve for them thinking I knew better. My inserting myself in to their lives was never once received well and I came to see this behavior as a big part of my Codependency.  Reading Codependent No More was enormously helpful in my learning to stay in my lane. It improved my relationships with everyone and gave me a sense of peace.

I have come to see that the best thing I can to for my niece is to live a healthy, happy life. To model looking out for myself, removing myself from toxic relationships and being there for others in a healthy, sustainable way.  We have very limited contact and when we do I do not comment on her choices. I ask about her life, show an interest in what she has to say and tell her happy things about my life. I hope that at one point she looks to me as an example of what’s possible but I cannot force that. I can only be there for her in a way she wants me to be.

I know for me personally a lot of wanting to help my niece was really deep down a judgment and dig at my sister. At what a bad mother she was to have a daughter in this situation. Now when I want to jump in and rescue someone I step back and question my true motives. They are rarely about the person I want to rescue.

[HeadAboveWater]

I understand your concern. I can see why it would be difficult to see a young adult in this situation and not intervene.

You have, however, chosen to go no contact. I do not question that decision at all. I just want to gently suggest that no contact means no contact, and for very good reason. It sounds like you do not have a relationship with this niece or her parents.

There is also the matter of boundaries. If someone you had not been in touch with for a decade came out of the woodwork just to offer you help or give you advice, you would likely bristle. Even if done anonymously, this seems like an intrusion into someone else's life.

Last, while you have made a lot of assumptions about your niece that seem reasonable, you must remember they are still assumptions. You do not know her relationship with her parents. You do not know her financial stability. Nor do you know the reasons why she has chosen to post this profile on her social media account.

I think it is best to categorize this situation as "her stuff" and move on. Sometimes one of the more loving things we can do is to trust others' decisions and have faith that other people have the agency to sort out any conflicts in their own lives.

[DistanceNotDefense]

AnneH, while I agree with HeadAboveWater and Getting Out of the FOG, I want to say that your stance is incredibly empathetic. I think it's wonderful you're looking out for your niece even if there isn't a relationship there.

I look back on my years when I made my first split when very young from my FOO when moving out of my house to live on my own as a teen. I'm sure a part of me would have welcomed a family member coming out of the woodwork to show care and support for me, but at that time, I think what was actually best for me was to establish myself as an individual with no one in FOO getting involved at all. It was a hard time in its own way (and I got into things one could deem questionable, like the work you describe your niece doing, but not exactly) but I look back at those years as invaluable to shaping who I am today. I faced dangerous situations, I almost got in trouble, I was even taken advantage of. And I had the secret luxury of learning how to navigate that completely on my own with no one to rely on, learning instead to only rely on myself, my ingenuity, and my insisting on learning to hustle to get by without anyone's influence or control.

I gained strength and independence in ways that could not have been gained if I had some hero figure, relative or no, swoop in and care for me (even though I ache for a figure like that today, and sometimes wish I had one with a long backstory of support that goes back to my teenage years and beyond....to childhood. I was very alone.) What I realize is that if I had had that crutch, I would be just that today: someone who needed a crutch, in the form of another person. I probably wouldn't be doing the things that I'm doing now that I'm so proud of, and that I wouldn't have learned to do in any other way. (Everything I'm doing now is safe and above board, of course).

Desiring an unconditionally loving FOO member is still like a painful ghost limb ache, though. Despite that, I think going through things the way I went through things was absolutely for the best. Caring about your niece might be best right now only in the form of continuing to watch her progress and to cheer her on to yourself, and to watch her develop those strengths that a person can only develop when they're alone and have only themselves to rely on...and to be proud of her (and I mean, there's no proof she's entirely alone or without support). She already proves to be that sort of person who will more than likely hustle her way to something better (I mean, she's very ambitious about college), and she'll be better for it that way.

She may be dealing with really hard things and sticky situations and it might be hard to approve of the way she's going about gaining her individuation from FOO, but I can say right now that if she's not in any hugely obvious danger right now, she's probably going to be fine and she's on a fast track to amazing growth. Where she is at is a pitstop to bigger and better things, clearly, and she is in the process of building amazing character in herself in the meantime. And if she continues with the work she's doing instead of college, I say good on her choice with that, too. We all have different ways of getting by and surviving.

I know it's hard for our generations to look at camgirls and certain types of sex work as viable and empowering, but that's for those who pursue that line of work to decide (and a lot of younger generations find it very empowering - I considered it as a teen at one time). I'd say make yourself accessible to her in a way that if she was ever curious about other FOO, she could possibly initiate contact with you if she really wanted, but yes, don't push, force, or even subtly engineer that into being...don't do anything. If she needs the help she'll go looking but she might not want or even need it. And remember that people learn to be strongest sometimes when all they have is the skin off their backs to get by, hardship and isolation can be a blessing in disguise.