Friendship

[Justme729]

I meet an individual through a children's recreation activity.   They were the leader.   For several years I acted as the assistant.   The group started as just one grade level, but grew to be multi-age level.   The leaders child and a few of her friends said they were quitting.   They didn't like it anymore.  I saw the bigger picture of why this individuals child wanted to quit, it was a conflict between child and parent.   However, the younger children were blamed and essentially asked to join a different group within the organization.   

Long story short, the decision ONLY impacted my younger child.  It was sent to everyone within the group instead of talking to me.   I'll be honest, I had hard feelings.   I wish the leader had spoken to me first.   Instead they justify and gaslighted how wrong I was in my feelings.   I know I said some things that weren't necessary kind.  By the same token, anytime I said anything I ended up with other parents in the group messaging and calling me to explain to me how wrong I was in my feelings and how I misinterpreted the situation since I couldn't be at that meeting. 

Come to find out also, the individual told my oldest child they needed to give up another activity they loved to participate in this organization only.    My child was penalized and not given credit for work they had done.   Made to do it over and over again.   It was never good enough, but another child was in a similar boat where she participated in multiple activities and did stuff in the side still earned the credit.   

I realized my children still harbor a lot of feelings.  I want to reach out, but realized they blocked me on social media.   Even if they didn't, I don't know what I would say.   Would it be worth it to find closure?  We parted ways a year ago.   I do feel the need to apologize for some of my anger.  But I also want to believe they do care enough about my children.   Would it be worth it for my children to write a letter to them?   

We do not wish to rejoin the organization, but I do believe in healing the hurt.   My younger child still asks me why the leader didn't want them.   My oldest has a friend who wants them to join a similar organization and won't because of this experience.  Healing has to happen.   

I'd love to hear suggestions and ideas to move forward.   

[Justme729]

Overall, throughout the friendship, this persons way is the only good way.   They comes across very abrasive.   If you don't follow their advice it is personal insult.  I know I'm not the first person to be offended by them, I also know my children are not the only ones to be made to feel this way either. So I often wonder if it is worth it to say anything.   

[TriedTooHard]

Hello, I realize you wrote your post to protect the identities of all involved, especially the kids.  So please excuse me if I'm making some wrong assumptions about this group and activity.

It sounds like a leader of this group had a conflict with her own child and maybe didn't pay much mind to her own child's wishes.  A person like this, and her followers, probably don't have the ability to care enough about their own children, never mind anyone else's.  Maybe they're not axe murderers, but maybe also not exactly a good fit for kid activity leaders.

Its a tricky situation for group leaders of kids extra curricular activities - they're needed to put a lot of time and effort in, so its harder for them to extricate themselves when the activity is no longer a good fit for their children.  But, it sounds here that from the start, maybe some adults involved only cared about their own feelings and social lives, and the kids were a means to that end. 

I've found this to be true in a wide range of kids activities.  Its sometimes more obvious in sports and theatre/drama/dance/music, where performance is out there for everyone to see.  Its a wee bit harder to spot in other activities, where kids can earn some sort of points or badges to rise up through the ranks.  In those activities, I've found that "virtue signaling" are the ways in which the more problematic adults use their children to compete. 

I wish I had a better way to tell you that your children can move forward.  It was out of their and your control and a sign of problems within the other families.  Unfortunately, that happens.  We can have empathy for others without having to make long term commitments to their less then ideal groups and versions of "friendship."  We can model for our kids positive ways to find better fits for ourselves, without paying much mind to those that are not in a good place to be friends or leaders, despite what future potential they may promise.

With self confidence, in time, your kids will move on to other interests and find kids that are a good fit for them and their interests.  Its hard to believe this will happen after you've spent years trying to make a less than ideal group work for your family.  But it can and does happen.  Sometimes, the intramural or recreational organizations are more easy going for families that just want to have fun and don't want to be very competitive.  Signing up for new groups like this, for short term commitments, can be a good way for a kid to find what's right for herself (or himself).  And then when they find people and activities that are a better fit, they can choose to compete in a healthy manner.

[bloomie]

Justme729 - Just thinking through with you the worthy goal of gaining some healing and moving forward for you and your kiddos after this disappointment and wrong treatment.

With our kids we found that healing from this kind of hurt can happen and best happens in relationship and successful group activities - just not with the same untrustworthy people and sometimes not the same activity. A group leader for children's activities above all requires kindness and a sense of fair play. It doesn't seem the leader had those qualities and that is her failure, not yours.

Is there a way to get those feelings out around the hurt of this in some symbolic way with your kids and then release them and choose together to move forward with anticipation of other experiences and people who will better support your kids and your family goals?

I sense that when you move forward and let it go and release yourself you all will find healing. Let us know how you are all doing with this. I'm sorry this happened. It had to be very hard.

[Justme729]

Bloomie, I think that is a good point.   My youngest has had positive group experiences since then and doesn't bring it up unless the older one does first.   The older one had a negative team experience after this whole situation.   At the team party we overheard the coach saying some very nasty things about how well she played.   The coach was very obvious about it in her actions at the last tournament.   It was better this past year.   Oldest joined a friend at a similar organization to the original hurt.   She wants to try, but it's bringing up the hurt again.   We aren't pushing, but gently encouraging to give it a try.   However, once again, the team sport they are giving us the run around with tryouts and it's triggering the hurt.   So I feel like we need to do something to help work past the hurt.  Maybe I'll have her do an unsent letter?