Finally went NC!

  • 11 Replies
  • 226 Views
*

Hattie

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 316
Finally went NC!
« on: June 29, 2020, 08:58:26 AM »
Well, it took me a year and a quarter but I am finally NC with my narc ex! (He is the second of my narc exes for those who know me). I haven't spoken to him for ages but I was pretty sure he was stalking my social media on a daily basis. I had been avoiding looking at his but peeked last week and saw that he has had a baby with the new girlfriend. He cheated on me with her and then instantly got together with her when we split. They must have only been together for about 4 months when he knocked her up!  :stars:

This hit me pretty hard as one of the reasons we split was that I wanted children and he said he didn't, at least for the forseeable future. It is also difficult as I have a history of fertility issues.

I had been wondering if he would come back, but now I feel like even if he did hoover, I couldn't entertain it now this baby is in the picture.

Anyway the silver lining is that it seems to have given me the strength to finally block him on everything and go NC! Feeling really proud of myself and empowered right now. What a relief not to be waiting around on him anymore.
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

*

Starboard Song

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 2545
  • Be good. Be strong.
Re: Finally went NC!
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2020, 09:48:19 AM »
I am so sorry you had to hike this trail, but good for you for making the clean break! It sounds to me like you dodged a bullet that the new GF took.

Now you have time to take a deep breath, heal a little, and start out again on a safer, happier trail.

Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

*

Hattie

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 316
Re: Finally went NC!
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2020, 10:20:38 AM »
Thank you! I really appreciate that.

Yeah, I have a lot of mixed emotions about all this. A mixture of envy and pity for the new gf. I guess she and the kid will have to deal with his issues forever. I gather that co-parenting with a narc is quite a challenge.

And yep, looking forward to pastures new for myself.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2020, 10:22:13 AM by Hattie »
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

*

Spygirl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 615
Re: Finally went NC!
« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2020, 09:01:11 PM »
Congrats!

*

Hattie

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 316
Re: Finally went NC!
« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2020, 04:06:29 PM »
Thank you!  :D
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

*

NeedSupport

  • New Member
  • *
  • 10
Re: Finally went NC!
« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2020, 10:49:18 PM »
Congrats on NC, I'm a newby to the forums and in the heat of a push/pull breakup/makeup/breakup/makeup situation, and I know the best thing is NC.... but it is soooo difficult to do NC.. well done for really doing it!  I know how amazingly hard that must have been, you doing it gives other people on here "like myself" the hope that maybe I will end up in your position on the other side some day also.  Thanks for sharing.

*

Hattie

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 316
Re: Finally went NC!
« Reply #6 on: July 01, 2020, 04:52:05 AM »
Welcome to the forum. Don't beat yourself up if you're not ready to go NC yet. I always figured there was no point until I was really ready. When you're ready, you'll know.
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

*

GettingOOTF

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1586
Re: Finally went NC!
« Reply #7 on: July 01, 2020, 08:36:18 AM »
Iím sorry he did this but glad for the NC so you can heal. They donít magically become different people with someone else. I know my ex is doing to his girlfriend exactly what he did to me. I used to feel bad for her but Iíve come to see that sheís an adult and chooses to be with my ex. Itís none of my business really.

My life is unrecognizable without him in it. So many wonderful things have happened to and for me since leaving. Iím working every day to ensure that I donít end up in another relationship like that. Iíve become quite good at spotting the signs in others and Iím much more aware of my own worth. I donít know if a single person who cheated on someone who didnít go on to eventually cheat on someone else. She had this to look forward to and she can never go NC.

I know when I left my ex did a couple do things he refused to do with me for his new GF. I am convinced they were to get her in a position so she wouldnít be able to leave like I did. He may well have got her pregnant to trap her.  I am sorry for your fertility issues. I never had kids, I wish I had but I love a very full life anyway.

*

Hattie

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 316
Re: Finally went NC!
« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2020, 03:45:53 PM »
Yeah, I wondered about the entrapment thing. Despite saying he didn't want a baby, he was a bit aversive to using contraception when he was with me, but I insisted. He wanted to use the "pull out method". I was like : "no way! That is what they did in the 1700s!" Much as a would like a baby, I wanted to have a planned pregnancy in due course rather than rush things (we were only together for 4 months).

I don't think he had a big masterplan to get me or her pregnant per se, but I think it was about controlling the sex life /exerting some kind of dominance.

And yeah, I agree that he is likely to cheat on her at some point. I now realise that he texted me while she was 3 months pregnant, which is probably an indicator of the type of shenanigans he will put her through.

But yeah in any case, I do feel quite empowered for biting the bullet and blocking him. I am doing a lot of work on myself including seeing a great therapist, so hopefully that will resolve my Cptsd somewhat and help minimise my attraction to these characters in the future.

It is really good to hear that you feel you have a full life albeit with no children. It is important to me to have female role models without kids. I did take some action on the fertility front this year, as I froze my eggs. (Actually in the middle of an egg freezing cycle right now). So I may still have a chance. I would also be open to adoption etc. I would definitely like to have an emotionally healthy partner at some future point. But the most important thing to me is to live an abuse free life,as I am sure you understand.
« Last Edit: July 01, 2020, 03:49:17 PM by Hattie »
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

*

GettingOOTF

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1586
Re: Finally went NC!
« Reply #9 on: July 01, 2020, 03:55:08 PM »
I know a couple of women who had kids in their own using donors. Women have so many more options now.

As much as I’d love to have had kids more than that I’m grateful that I didn’t bring one into a PD relationship. My regrets all center around not getting my $hit together sooner and working on myself vs not having the actual kids. I know o wasn’t in a position to be a good mother. I see my sisters recreating the home we grew up in and their kids showing the same hang ups and insecurities we did.

I’m content with my life and as hard as it was I know I made the right choices.
« Last Edit: July 01, 2020, 04:04:51 PM by GettingOOTF »

*

Hattie

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 316
Re: Finally went NC!
« Reply #10 on: July 02, 2020, 12:24:01 PM »
Yeah I thought about going down the donor route but decided it wasn't for me. Partly because I would like to do more therapy before considering parenthood. I also do not want to pass these issues onto the next generation.

It sounds like you made a brave and healthy choice to live your authentic life.
Love is patient; love is kind.
It does not envy; it does not boast.
It is not proud. It does not dishonour others.
It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13: 5-8.

*

Spygirl

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 615
Re: Finally went NC!
« Reply #11 on: July 02, 2020, 09:18:25 PM »
Good job!

You have a life free of entanglements and pd abuse. Enjoy it!