Struggling BIG time

[Alexainwonderland]

Hi everyone, my name is Alexa. I'm new to this website. A little over a month ago I lost my relationship with my fiancé after discovering a series of betrayals throughout our relationship. He had a problem with pornography and also has a sexual attraction to one of his female cousins. I was devastated when i found out that he had been using pornography, but when I found out one day he had been looking at his cousin I believe that was when I hit a rock bottom. I vowed to stay as long as he got help, after a short time of working with his therapist, he told me his therapist stated "Its not a big deal to find your cousin hot". I was a little shocked because I didn't expect that, and I started to doubt myself, I wondered "am I being unreasonable here? What is wrong with me that I feel gross about this?" In May he disclosed to me that he should be able to look at whatever he wants and it doesn't mean "I love you or want you any less". This was the 4th betrayal and I lost it, I lashed out physically and I'm so ashamed. I haven't stopped beating myself up about it sine. I got honest with my friends and my family about everything, I kept everything hidden from my support system because I didn't want anyone to judge him or me for staying with him. I also didn't want him to feel like I was gossiping about him to others.  The following morning he left me and went down to his families house in Maryland and called to tell me it was over because of my actions. I've been struggling to piece anything together since. He texted my mom and told her that I was sick and I  needed help, and that he wouldn't press charges against me as long as his privacy was respected. He also texted a few of my friends and one co-worker to let them know we broke up. He has not spoken to me in over a month, and I'm so incredibly hurt.

I recently have started therapy, and my therapist believes that he suffers from NPD. I just have such a hard time believing this because he was so generous, caring, and compassionate to me throughout different times in our relationship. Does anyone have any experience, strength, and hope for getting out and surviving a break up with a NPD partner?

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group alexa-

i'm so sorry you went through so much with your fiance in isolation.  PD/ uPD can be master manipulators and that shame you are feeling for how you responded to him when you were pushed to your limits is just another way he can continue to manipulate you even though you are no longer together.

i'm glad to hear you are talking to someone in a professional capacity so whatever happens moving forward, you have that additional layer of support in addition to friends/ family that know you as you truly are and not how your ex wants people to *think* you are.  there's a very strong possibility he's out there using what happened between you as a way to ensnare another woman into his web of deceit-  i only say this as it's exactly what my ex did to me..... 

oddly enough i's been almost 14 years since i had my own last straw moment with my ex -after multiple DV incidents, two duis and a host of other problems in the relationship where i thought if i was just a better girlfriend it would *fix* him.   it took a plate of spaghetti he screamed at me at because i didn't reheat it correctly in the microwave for me to realize that he wasn't changing and the rest of my life would be flight/ fight if i didn't do something to change the outcome.   

there is life after a horrible relationship with a PD/ uPD and it sounds like you are taking the initial steps forward to get yourself in a healthier place emotionally.   hopefully he'll leave you alone.  my ex tried to suck me back into the disfunctional relationship for a good 3 months after we broke up for the last time but he finally moved on to his next source of supply.

keep reading and posting-  the common behaviors and separating/ divorcing sections may help you see some common patterns in behaviors that happen in romantic relationships with PD/ uPD.  if you get triggered by the other posts it's ok to step back and take a break too-  it's about baby steps forward, even if the steps are small they are taking you away from the past and the hurt that came from this relationship.


Separating and Divorcing

Common Behaviors

hope to see you on the boards soon-