I want to leave the victim role behind

[sevenyears]

How does one stop playing the victim role? Our mediator has told me several times that I play the victim in relation to my XH. I'm starting to understand what he means, but not entirely. I started therapy a few months ago - but we've not really explored this. I'm trying to figure out if this is a trait that I've always had, or whether it appeared while I was married to XH. He is UNOCPD. We met and married when I was in a vulnerable point in life. Early 40s, lonely, living in a foreign country and figuring out if I wanted to plant myself somewhere, wanting a family with children (single women couldn't have IVF treatment here), and then I was swept off my feet by prince Charming.  I'd never really had a long-term relationship or friendship since high school. Most of the men I dated were emotionally unavailable. I moved around a lot around far-flung countries. While I could easily relaunch myself in each new place, long-term friendships suffered.

I always thought of myself as strong and determined, if not necessarily good at relationships.  Now I am looking for clues whether I was always the victim type and why, or whether this started when I was married to uPDXH. And, I want to get out of this role! But, how?!

It was interesting to read in Bloomie's post about vulnerable to to PD behavior that many of you are in helping professions. I'm not in one, but am in one where we try to make the world a better place. 

[PeanutButter]

IME the role I was given/taught in my dysfuntional FOO is what I was unconciously repeating with my unpdxH.
Starting with the what not to do  https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do  and then the top 100 traits https://outofthefog.website/traits helped me to identify the behaviors that were my part of the disfunctional dance with the npd in my life.
Then thanks to this forum I found Jerry Wise Videos and learned about Family Systems Theory.
I then realized I am an ACOA. That is an Adult Child Of An Abuser (not an Alcoholic which was the origional disfunction that was recognised) which is the same for alcoholic, personality disordered, or mentally ill etc parent.
My sense of self ( "A sense of self is defined as the way a person thinks about and views his or her traits, beliefs, and purpose within the world." ) did not develop properly in the unhealthy environment I was raised and I have the core wounds that fit the ACOA syndrome. https://youtu.be/GgfehV-s8XQ
So in conclusion IMO the 'role' was determined by my foo. I then uncounciously continued it through unhealthy patterns of thinking and an inner narrative that I was mostly unaware of, even as my emotions were controlled by it.
Becoming an observer of my inner world, listening to what my inner critic and outer critic was saying. Identifying my emotions and focusing my attention on their origin being internal not external and digging really deep ino my subconcious to find the beliefs installed there by my foo role models that did not allign with my authentic self.