New and that's complicated, as you might have guessed...

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pepto bismol

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New and that's complicated, as you might have guessed...
« on: July 01, 2020, 07:04:42 PM »
Hello everybody,

I've stumbled upon this website trying to figure out what happened to me during the lockdown - but let's save this for later.

Few words about me : I'm not an english native talker and I'm quite sure it's already obvious. I'm a mid-30 autistic woman who's grown in a very dysfunctional family with abusive parents, siblings and relatives. I've been mocked, neglected, beaten up and it only got worse if I dared show any anger. So I've learned to keep it for myself.

As soon as I got over the age of maturity I flew from home to settle with my BF at that time. He was as awful to me as were my parents - plus the sexual coertion. That lasted for about six months, than one year to find my way out. I had two other abusive partners along the road - the longest relationship lasted for two years, the latter lasted for four months... But than the guy harrassed me for one year and a half, and would harass my family and friends if I didn't answer - and police wouldn't do anything more than deliver him a warning. Every time I found myself trapped in this was because I tried to run away from my parent's house.

You see, I'm highly functionning - and miraculously have been saved from any PD or even mental health issue except from solid PTSD, said cure by now, but unable to work, and haven't had any financial help since about three years ago, so I've never been independent...

These three relationships are not fully representative of my love life. As for the relationships that lasted more than six months, I had seven others of them - one being a civil union contract that lasted six years - that had their flaws but were not abusive for the slightest bit.

So when therapists or friends talk about my weaknesses or my patterns I'm a little bit pissed off, especially since I'm autistic and social blindness is part of the deal and I get really, really confused when facing any kind of PD because it takes me forever to figure out that they are just not "working like me". That part distresses me a lot, though, as I'm afraid that reading extensively about PD and theoretically knowing how to set my boundaries (I'm not really the submissive type of girl...) will never compensate to what I simply can't see nor teach me how to react in any situation that doesn't make any sense to me.

So, recently - somewhere in march - I found myself setting one said boundary that lead the romance to end abruptely (in one peculiarly violent ghosting - I'll tell this story in the appropriate topic later) after a month and a half of duration, so I guess I'm able to spot them faster and faster and react appropriately and healthily, but I'm only begining to stop suffering from the repercussions of this afer three months  - twice the length of the romance! - and still wasn't able to spot the danger before getting far more involved...

I don't really know what I'm seeking here, except in the first place to tell these stories and get feedback from others that went through similar things, because I still spend half of my time revisiting the whole story over and over again, asking myself "and what if I've done that" or "am I the abusive one?" and so on. So I guess a little support might help, and I'll be glad to meet you all
« Last Edit: July 01, 2020, 07:15:45 PM by pepto bismol »

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PeanutButter

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Re: New and that's complicated, as you might have guessed...
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2020, 09:04:11 PM »
Hi :wave: peptobismol! WELCOME!  :)
Im glad you found us and I hope we can offer you the connection and support you need.
I started with the what not to do list https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do in deciding where to begin working on improving myself. The top 100 traits https://outofthefog.website/traits I found useful for giving me the 'language' to name behaviors and describe what had happened in the relationship with pwPD.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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Bloomie

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Re: New and that's complicated, as you might have guessed...
« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2020, 11:39:19 AM »
Hi and welcome. Many of us that come from disordered and abusive homes do have trouble spotting red flags and responding appropriately in relationships, so you are not alone in that. The good news is that we all can educate and inform ourselves and learn to set boundaries as you have found just recently.

When setting a boundary with someone we are developing deeper feelings for, or have a relationship with that matters a lot to us, leads to the end of the relationship it can trigger all kinds of self doubt and ruminations I have found.

A really great resource to understand trauma responses and emotional flashback is the work of Pete Walker - found here: http://pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalFlashbackManagement.pdf

There are much more free articles and great insights if you look through the Home page menu found here: http://pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

Make good use of the toolbox and PD trait info at the drop down menus above.

There is something very unique about sharing in this community. Seeing similar experiences and situations described by people we have never met is validating and then finding what has worked and not worked for others can often be a shortcut to developing a toolbelt and handy strategies for dealing with toxic and abusive behaviors in others.

Keep coming back to the conversations on the forum boards. It helps a whole lot!
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸