Becoming Immune to Narcissism

[Wilderhearts]

Being the GC of an uNPDf, I was groomed to be a PD magnet, and I still struggle with a lot of the learned behaviours and thought patterns that make experiencing narcissistic (or PD'd) behaviour so painful.

Dr. Ramani explains in this video some things that people who seem to be immune to narcissism do:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsC2_CUVBp4

1. They don't take narcissistic behaviour personally; the N's behaviour is about them, and they shrug it off
2. They hold on well to their reality, and see that gas lighting is incompatible with their reality
3. They set and maintain boundaries; they know when to quit.  They'll leave events early, quit jobs, find elsewhere to stay, and will just say no.
4. They engage with radical acceptance; they don't fight pointless battles and they don't let themselves be abused.  They may be very easy going in general
5.  They don't try to change the narcissist, because they understand they won't change.
6. They're not afraid of rage, including narcissistic rage.  Their stance is: let them make a fuss, and I won't stand the narcissist yelling at me.
7. If the abuse escalates, they're likely to write the person off as having an issue that has nothing to do with them.
8. Even if immune, they can still be exhausted by narcissistic behaviour, so they may limit contact and up their self-care.

I love step-by-step processes that I can try to implement, so I find this very constructive.  When I was dealing with a volatile coworker who tried to control through devaluing and bombarding with emotion, the second time I experienced her behaviour, I thought "that's just A being A," and I laughed.  It was magic.  I may not be able to do all of these (or even one of these) consistently, but when it happens, it works.

[Wilderhearts]

Also just for giggles, this was the top favourite comment on the video:

"Neo:
"What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?"

Morpheus:
"No, Neo. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to."

-- The Matrix"

[Associate of Daniel]

I watched that video a few days ago.

Indeed, I watch a lot of Dr Ramini's videos.  I find them to be very helpful and validating.

I highly recommend them.

AOD

[GettingOOTF]

This is a great list. I have been working on this myself. I also grew up in a PD home and used to be a magnet for people with PDs. I also used to be pathologically Codependent.

Of the list I think No. 5 is the most important. I used to expect people to change rather than accept them for who they are and change my situation, which is classic Codependence. I think particularly women are groomed from a young age by society to always give people second chances. I've leaned to take people at face value. I'm my experience there is never anything "better" deeper down. People show you who you are and you make a choice to allow them to continue or to walk away.

What I have noticed is that people who display PD behaviors don't approach me as much now and when they do they quickly move on. I think I have shed what ever vibe I gave out that identified me as a compliant victim. It's a constant struggle though. I often feel myself pulled in to my old ways. 

[guitarman]

I watched Doctor Ramani's video as well. She makes a lot of sense.

I have a uBPD/NPD sister. I define her now as my abuser. The golden rule I follow is to always stay calm, no matter what happens. I don't get on her emotional roller coaster with her. She tries to push all my buttons and provoke me but I don't respond. I realise now that I can't change her behaviour, I can only change and control my own.

[blacksheep7]

This is a great list. I have been working on this myself. I also grew up in a PD home and used to be a magnet for people with PDs. I also used to be pathologically Codependent.

Of the list I think No. 5 is the most important. I used to expect people to change rather than accept them for who they are and change my situation, which is classic Codependence. I think particularly women are groomed from a young age by society to always give people second chances. I've leaned to take people at face value. I'm my experience there is never anything "better" deeper down. People show you who you are and you make a choice to allow them to continue or to walk away. [/i]

What I have noticed is that people who display PD behaviors don't approach me as much now and when they do they quickly move on. I think I have shed what ever vibe I gave out that identified me as a compliant victim. It's a constant struggle though. I often feel myself pulled in to my old ways.

A work in progress

[Spidernest]

These are all such helpful steps and reminders. As someone who is choosing to be "in it" right now with my dbpdso (with npd tendencies) i have to notice when I am using techniques to make the relationship manageable for me. This morning, a meltdown occurred and I completed defected to MC- so helpful especially when the meltdown happened while I was just waking up!

I'll have to check out the video- thank you for sharing!

[Wilderhearts]

I concur, AOD and Guitarman.  She has incredible insight into and understanding of the narcissistic psyche, and how behaviour affects us nons.

I think part of the reason some of us try to "change" pwPDs, is because pwPDs have mentally abused us into believing that their behaviour is our fault, we're the only ones who can control it, and we're the only ones who can "help" them because we're somehow "special."  Of course, we're the only ones who can learn for ourselves that this is not true, and to stop engaging in this pattern.  But yes, clearly connected to the codependent's need to "rescue." 

People show you who you are and you make a choice to allow them to continue or to walk away.

I love that quotation, GettingOOTF.  It helped me walk away from a narc friend, recently.

What I have noticed is that people who display PD behaviors don't approach me as much now and when they do they quickly move on. I think I have shed what ever vibe I gave out that identified me as a compliant victim. It's a constant struggle though. I often feel myself pulled in to my old ways. 

That is a huge win. 

It can be really empowering to get the perspective you need to look back and see all the things you actually got right, Spidernest.  (Early mornings are my most vulnerable times...good on you for being able to default to MC!)

[all4peace]

This is so helpful, thank you! In a new job recently, it was repeatedly pointed out to me how rudely someone had treated me. I hadn't even noticed, was worried that was a bad sign about my tolerance for bad behavior, but now have a different way of viewing it--it simply wasn't personal to me.

[Wilderhearts]

My sister is like that, All4Peace.  People can be quite nasty to her and it's like water off a duck's back.  I see it as one of her super-powers than she can respond logically, analytically to the face value of what a person's said, without engaging with their emotions or getting pulled down by someone's hostility.

I find the first time someone hits me with PD'd behaviour in the workplace, it catches me off guard and triggers me.  Then it stops bothering me.

[ToAudrey]

Thank you for sharing the list. I see a number of things I need to work on. Just started seeing some of Dr. Ramani's videos and will watch this one.

GettingOOTF: I saw myself in your comment about those groomed to give second chances. Coming to realize lately that I give chance after chance to people and situations and never set boundaries. I have tended to feel that I must stick by decisions (like being in a relationship) and don't have the leeway I'd always understand in someone else to leave something that isn't working.

It is like the saying about setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I'm burned down to ashes and can't keep doing it anymore.