emotionally abusive older bf

[gf24]

hi i am new to this group. I am at a wits end and don't know where to turn. I feel embarrassed to even tell any of my family members what is going on. MY bf and i have been in a relationship for 7 years. i didn't start realizing he was a narcissist and emotionally/mentally abusive until about 1 year ago. He constantly belittles me , calling me names. I'm lazy, fat, dumb, bitch, whore, cunt etc. he somehow always makes ME feel bad about how he treats me saying its my fault. I had been working at a job for 3 years and he pretty much liked to use my money however he could. asking for money to pay for supplies for his business, this that, etc. when i would tell him NO he would make me feel bad like i didn't care about him. Well our business was starting to move faster and he asked me to quit to become the cleaner/ painter, which i did. It was the biggest mistake ever, even though i hated that job.  He is horrible with managing money. He overpays his people on top of buying them lunch, beer, cigarettes etc. Any time i try to say something like we can't grow if we are constantly buying things for people AND paying them on top of that. but he says to "shut my mouth." its "HIS BUSINESS"  "worry about myself" but then has to nerve to say i need to step up my game, i need to stop being lazy, i need to do more. But how do you expect someone to put all their effort into something and you don't even want to acknowledge their part and their say in how things are run?! other times he will degrade me for my work saying thats now how it done, quit being lazy. but his workers will do the same thing and he PRAISES them, tells them how much of a bad ass worker they are. its sickening. When i try to talk to him and tell him about how we can improve as a business he just shuts me down. i can NEVER say anything negative about him while he constantly nags and degrades me. WE recently got into a fight because i wanted to be taken home to use the restroom and he wanted to have me use it at the office where we pay our landlord. now he knows i have ANXIETY, which he doesn't take seriously or care about. Mind you i never used to have anxiety like this until our relationship. SO he argued with me over that saying i was being "difficult" He takes me home, not to let me use bathroom but to drop me off because he doesn't wanna be arouund me anymore. So he follows me into the house to get the money we owe. HE says its not all there, i told him i left what was needed in the envelope for the landlord, the rest is in my purse. he EXPLODED yelling at me "wheres my fucking money? how are you going to take MY money? you're trippin. you're TRIPPIN DAWG! you're NOTHING TO ME!! NOTHING TO ME!! give me my mothafuckn money" so at this point i'm just so fed up with him constantly yelling at me so i grabbed the money and threw it on the floor. this set him OFF. he SWUNG AT ME, yellin "YOU LUCKY I DONT KNOCK YOUR TEETH OUT BITCH!" he didn't hit me. whether that was on purpose or not i dont know. hes never physical but he does do things like this to intimidate me. he then swung at me TWO More times both times saying "YOU LUCKY BITCH" "YOU LUCKY I DONT KNOCK YOUR TEETH OUT HOE" and then smacks some leftovers we just got off the table. and kicked the door and finally left. Now this time was different becuase i have an security camera app on my phone we leave up for my dogs while we are away. I didnt realize that it was on the whole time so it VIDEO"D the WHOLE THING!!! i went back and watched it...... actually seeing it happen after the fact, is different. it actually makes me SEE HOW serious and bad this has gotten. i'm just so torn. i have no financial back up since he made me quit my job. it just sucks because our business is starting to take off and if i leave, im left with nothing while he reaps all the benefits. i just need some advice and someone to talk to. please comment any advice i really need help. thank you!!

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! Gosh, you are on a rollercoaster ride and going downhill faster and faster.  Your situation sounds serious. He has not abused you physically YET, but he seems to be going that way. He seems to be abusing you any other way, financially, verbally, emotionally.
You say that if you leave you might be left with nothing, but I think that might happen too if you stay. You describe him as financially irresponsible. The business might never take off. You might be left with debts instead of nothing.

It sounds like you have come to a point where your eyes are open to the facts and you are ready to see what is actually happening while forsaking your hopes, dreams, expectations, and wishes  what should be happening. This is the hardest and most important step. Now you can start to think if you want to continue your life as it is now or if you want to start working on a better life for yourself. 

The way you describe your situation you are financially dependent on him now. You used not to be. Any chance you could re-gain some independence from him? Any safe place you can escape to if he is abusive?

Please study the TOOLBOX and start implementing the strategies that might be useful for you in order to protect yourself better. Find support in real life too, either a counsellor or a friend you can trust or a therapist.  And keep reading and posting here.  See you around!

[PeanutButter]

 I have been in an abusive relationship before. My perspective is one of absolutely NO judgement and deep compassion and understanding!

If you have a confidant, friend, or family member you can trust to confide in that would be ideal. IMO

It is not you. You have not caused this. You are not to blame. https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-3-cs-rule

You have nothing to be ashamed of. It is not shameful to give your love and commitment to this man. You are honestly and sincerely trying to work towards the success of this relationship as well as a buisness and life together. There is no shame in that!

IMO the disorientation/confusion comes from believing that he is working/trying for the same goals as you are when he is not. You put his emotions, desires, and needs before your own, he does the same. Which means that is not a reciprocal relationship if only his needs are being considered.

I'm lazy, fat, dumb, bitch, whore, cunt etc. he somehow always makes ME feel bad about how he treats me saying its my fault. I had been working at a job for 3 years and he pretty much liked to use my money however he could. asking for money to pay for supplies for his business, this that, etc. when i would tell him NO he would make me feel bad like i didn't care about him .

Any time it seems that someone 'makes' us feel or 'makes' us think something it is an indication that we are enmeshed with them. Enmeshment happens when we dont have boundaries in place. (Jerry Wise)

IME a first step may be going to the boundaries https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries and deciding if setting a boundary that will protect you from any further abuse is possible. IE: Leave, lock youself in a room, go for a walk the next time he starts to escalate.

A word of caution although all verbally/emotionally abusers do not physically abuse, all physically abusers start out verbally/emotionally abusing and then escalate to physical abuse.

i'm just so torn. i have no financial back up since he made me quit my job. it just sucks because our business is starting to take off and if i leave, im left with nothing while he reaps all the benefits.

If you don't have a legal connection to the buisness I would worry that you have no back up or will have nothing anyway. If you do legally own part of the buisness but he doesnt allow you to have any say and he is horrible with managing money then the same outcome is possible. IMO

Im glad you are here reaching out. We will support you.

[vijaykumari]

One option is to start by saying "I have to talk to you about something I feel embarrassed about and it's going to be difficult for me to talk about".    It's ok to accept that you feel that way right now, but you can take action anyway.  It won't be super comfortable to get out of this, to talk about it, to figure out what to do next.  You might have a whole mess of emotions come up because that's how our brains react to things. 

Anyway when I'm reluctant to talk about something (for me it's feeling ashamed) I find it easier to start by just admitting that feeling to get it out of the way.  Sometimes the other person says things that make me feel better, and I'm relieved that I spoke up.  And I've also had experiences with certain family members who say the absolute wrong thing, and that just makes me realize how I ended up having so much shame.  And that's not bad either. 

[yarlanzey]

Your bf (soon to be ex-bf?) really reminds me of someone I know, but fortunately he doesn't live near me. He owns a business and brings his employees on a little holiday/vacation every year, appears generous to people and so on, but he's also extremely horrible to some people, including me (not any more though, I'm no contact with him and his family). Also, I once witnessed him being violent.

Maybe you could contact domestic violence groups in your area. Even though he hasn't been physically violent (yet), if you tell them what's going on they may well be willing to help. There may be some government aid available also if you're willing to deal with those types (don't take any crap from them either)

[Wilderhearts]

Hi gf24,
I really agree with others that you need support in real life - family, friends, domestic violence organizations.  Threatening violence and throwing/hitting inanimate objects are forms of intimidation, and he is trying to control you by making you fear for your safety. 

I never realized that the abuse in my home was quite extreme, because there were no bruises or broken bones.  Then a class I was in reviewed statistics on domestic abuse, and domestic abuse scales, and I learned it was "severe."  It was much of what you described.  Controlling others through fear, emotional abuse etc, can still be considered very severe abuse. 

My head absolutely spun when I realized how severe the abuse in my home had been, so I can imagine you might feel like the world just flipped upside down.  This is a lot to process on top of surviving the emotional, mental, and financial abuse you're experiencing.

Although he is controlling your shared finances, it sounds like you are the real financial contributor in this relationship, and I wonder if in reality he is dependent on you.  You do the work that brings in the money (which he then blows), and you know what good money management looks like.  Yes, you'd have to find another opportunity after leaving, but you clearly have skills and experience. 

It could be a good idea to pack a "go bag."  Have something stashed somewhere, or at someone's house, with clothes, money (if you can access it), any meds, and your passport/other documents.  That way, if you need to get out right away, you won't be held back by not being prepared. 

Honestly, you would be more than justified in leaving right now based on his behaviour.  That is scary.  Really scary.

People come together really fast to help women escape domestic abuse.  It happened for us, and I saw it happen for a coworker of mine.  In both cases, once in a new place, people brought us their spare furniture, food, extra clothes.  People showed up to help us collect our stuff so we'd have protection and witnesses.  You may be blown away by the amount of support you receive once you ask for help.  Like the others, though, I want to recognize how incredibly hard it is, and how much courage it takes, to do that.  No judgement here if it takes you some time.  It took my mom 25 years.

But please stay safe - you deserve to prioritize your safety over his feelings, which are not even reflective of reality.
WH