Hi - Brand New

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Hi - Brand New
« on: July 02, 2020, 01:10:40 PM »
Good Morning -

I am new here, trying to get some answers.  I am actually dealing with the fallout of what, I thought, was a beautiful 2 years of dating, and we just got married....to someone who is a pathological liar, and has just been diagnosed as a sociopath and BPD.  I have had my share of troubles with narcissists, I was previously married to an angry malignant narc, who has made my post-divorce life a living hell (everything you read about divorcing a narc is true... we are always in litigation for the children).  My second narc was a covert narc, and the cycles were clear: love bomb/hoover, devalue, discard.  I got out of those two, healed (or so I thought), and found David. David was stable, everything that I felt was safe in terms of a partner. A normal, all american boy. Loves baseball and family. No weird demons in his closet.   Until.... until 4 days before our wedding when a lie that was so big, and had so much weight to it, it lost him his job.  It was not a one-off lie, it was a giant, huge, multi-person and event involving lie.   When it was uncovered (by me, we worked together as well), more lies came out.  He had lied in college to everyone for over a year that he had cancer, and had to leave when he was unmasked.  He had lied about previous affairs he had on his ex wife - and regardless of his previous affairs - he had presented himself as someone who was not a cheater, nor had ever been involved in the dynamic.  This was exceptionally hurtful, as I had been open and transparent about my past struggles, and it was OK and fine for him to be open!!! He not only lied during that time to his ex wife, and the other girl, but he now had lied to me.  He lied about everything - and even uncovering this, we still got married, because I kept thinking that we just needed to get him help. Lying comes from fear. 

Anyway, he woke up 2 days after our wedding and said he was having suicidal thoughts. I immediately jumped into gear and called the hotline, which had us go check him in to the ER.  He was admitted to inpatient. This whole time, we were talking, I was supporting. I dove in and tried to figure out what to do next. Made sure he was on my insurance as we just got married. After two days of inpatient (his parents, whom I am close with, came to stay with me to just, help figure this out), I got the next lie.  He had been on his own insurance, a COBRA through work, and still had his ex wife on it.  Now - this is not a huge lie in and of itself.... but we had literally done backflips to ensure we were married so he could share coverage.... and him and his ex had been divorced for 2 years.  This whole time, he was still covering her?? Why? They were not even connected - she never surfaced...I never even heard about her.   I politely asked him about this, and he just refused to give me an honest answer. I got upset, and I thought his parents would back me up.  They felt it was a "reasonable lie."  I felt a little crazy, but I just said "ok.... I am unsure what to do here, but this is too much right now. Perhaps we can talk in the morning about what happens after inpatient - maybe staying with your parents for a bit may help, but let's sleep and think tomorrow."   

I woke up, and our wedding check had been canceled by his parents. He had decided to go and stay with them, and had already put in a permanent address change request.  I called the treating psychiatrist, who told me that he, out of nowhere, that morning had began blaming me for being suicidal, and being abusive. Me? Abusive? when I uncovered his lies, I found him a psychiatrist, I did meditation with him and had us to an emotional literacy course. Abusive? I love this man and I would take my skin off and wear it backwards if it would help manage.

He ended up going to his parents, and I had not heard a word, at all, since he left. Not until yesterday - where he sounded like a stranger. A cold, distant stranger, and he told me that he is unsure about anything and everything, has no idea about him and I. he has not started therapy, but his parents have also stopped communicating, and his Aunt reached out to me and said "sorry about the divorce." Divorce??? What divorce??

After speaking with the psychiatrist from his inpatient - she believes he is struggling with Antisocial Personality Disorder and BPD, with narcissism as a triad. She couldn't firmly diagnose, but it's in her notes.

So - present day, 3.5 weeks after my wedding, 2.5 weeks of him being gone - and my life, as I knew it? Is over. I have no idea what happens next, and it's all.... painful. 



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Re: Hi - Brand New
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2020, 07:28:43 PM »
Welcome. You are not alone.

I am sorry to read about what you have been going through. It all sounds so painful and shocking.

You may find the talks by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez of help to you. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I make sure to watch her every time she's on.

I have also been watching videos by Doctor Ramani on YouTube as well about narcissism. I have found her to be very insightful.

Maybe your husband has discarded you because you found out what he is really like. You uncovered his lies. He has to blame someone and so targets you. He does not take responsibility for his own actions.

The Narcissistic Circle of Abuse is where the abuser turns everything around to become the victim. He may provoke you to be angry so that you end up shouting at him thereby him becoming the victim or as you stated becoming suicidal thereby eliciting everyone's sympathy and blaming you. It's all done to shift the attention away from him and on to you and make you look bad.

You will find that you are not alone on this forum. As strange and as surreal you may think your story is there will be others who have experienced similar but different situations and can identify with what you've been through.

I hope that you are able to get some professional support for yourself through all this. You are going to need it.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author