So aware of PDs now that I am NC

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Sidney37

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So aware of PDs now that I am NC
« on: July 02, 2020, 01:18:08 PM »
So now that I am NC with my covert NPDm and enD, I am so aware of boundaries and PDs.  I've realized that I've been collecting PDs my whole life because it seemed normal.  My college boyfriend was a PD and his meltdown after our breakup involved the police, me in the hospital and made the news.  Therapists after explained to me me that he was PD and that I thought it was normal because of my upbringing. 

Now I'm realizing that I don't really have many close friends (PDm convinced me that all of them were out to get me) but the ones that I do are either PD or have PD mothers and bad fleas.  After years of having a neighbor who violated boundaries (pulled flowers out of my yard every spring that she didn't like to look at then cried that she "was just trying to help" when I finally said to stop, moved the pin that marked the boundary between our yards because she thought her yard was larger, shamed me over my parenting because it wasn't the same as hers, and now is intentionally violating our town's COVID rules and crying that she just has to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, etc. and cries or gets angry if someone questions her), I have realized that her comments that I am "too sensitive" and that she's "just trying to help" are big clues that she is a covert narcissist just like my mother.  She started a smear campaign when I put up a fence that she didn't want because she might not be able to see into my yard and she didn't like how any fences look.

How did you start over and make genuine friends once you went NC and realized that all of your friends were PD or had fleas?  DH thinks I should keep the PD people because at least I have someone to occasionally go out with.  They do invite me to holiday parties once or twice a year.  :stars:  I disagree.  I'm in a somewhat  small town in what someone here called the "snobberbs" (which I think makes for a higher number of narcissists), so I'm convinced that moving and starting over is the answer. 
« Last Edit: July 02, 2020, 01:22:18 PM by Sidney37 »

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: So aware of PDs now that I am NC
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2020, 02:21:30 PM »
That was me who moved from the “snobburbs” into a city far away. Sorry if that term is offensive to anyone, there were lovely people there too. But overall that’s how I experienced that place.

I so so understand feeling like you just need to get out and start over. Especially with that next door neighbor yikes! It really isn’t enough just to run away though. You have to be moving toward something specific imo. I wanted out for years but needed to do the necessary work on myself to be ready to build a more genuine community with people who wanted the same. But having the goal of getting out to where Inhad die genuine friendship already helped me detach and be more MC and stop making too much effort with people I thought I wouldn’t want to keep in touch with after moving.

We have a psycho neighbor in the new place too. But I have support and am much more equipped to deal than two years ago. But I had to grow here too. That’s a constant :)

And MANY of my friends there and here have some kind of narcissism in their families. We get each other. ACONS can make great friends. Sometimes too good!

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Sidney37

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Re: So aware of PDs now that I am NC
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2020, 09:35:21 PM »
Thanks Cordelia
Yes we have met some really nice people from surrounding towns and kid activities.  They are just really busy with kids and our kids are different ages so they don't really want to hang out with each other.  The specific neighborhood hasn't been so great.   

I understand that I need to be moving toward something rather than running away from something.  I definitely want to run away from the neighbor.  It's amplified with everyone being home constantly and people having been furloughed. 

What kinds of work, if you don't mind me asking, did you feel you needed to do on yourself?  I keep looking for a therapist who is taking new patients and understands narcissistic abuse.  I keep finding therapists, but so far they haven't understood narcissistic abuse at all! I'm just wondering what I could do on my own and what I should ask when I do find someone. 

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illogical

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Re: So aware of PDs now that I am NC
« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2020, 03:00:11 PM »
Hi Sidney37,

Have you read any of Parker J Palmer's books?  I would recommend "A Hidden Wholeness".  Although the book is oriented toward groups building trust and a sense of community, its principles are well worth exploring. 
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

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Sidney37

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Re: So aware of PDs now that I am NC
« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2020, 08:29:08 PM »
Hi Illogical
I'm not familiar with him or that book.  I'll look for it this week.  Thanks!   Any recommendations on books about reducing anger after coming OOTF?  I need that, too.

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PeanutButter

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Re: So aware of PDs now that I am NC
« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2020, 07:31:52 AM »
I dont know about any books. I hope someone else has.

 I found that this article helped me to narrow down exactly what angle I needed to focus on to change the way I reacted to anger.
https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/related/anger.asp

Maybe it will help you too.

If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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Apparently-wicked

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Re: So aware of PDs now that I am NC
« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2020, 06:38:14 AM »
Gosh yes. And in myself too.  For me, it seems that my sense of self is growing alongside all the new knowledge about pds.

I think this sort of balances it out. So on one hand it's like 'omg my parents didn't love me but on the other it's 'that's not my burden to carry, they were unable to love anyone. I can now nurture my inner self in they way I need.'

Luckily I don't consider any of my friends to be narcs but I have one friendship that ended badly some time ago and I think I've been cautious since. I may have only made 2 or 3 friends since but they are good people with loving hearts.

X😷X

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BefuddledClarity

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Re: So aware of PDs now that I am NC
« Reply #7 on: July 16, 2020, 01:55:53 PM »
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How did you start over and make genuine friends once you went NC and realized that all of your friends were PD or had fleas? 

Been in the same boat as you in regards to making those types of friends...The few genuine ones I've made didn't last due to moving around quite a bit(due to career changes). I live 1,000+ km away from my hometown, which was a "snobberbs" too.

To answer the question: I've been taking it slow when making friends now. I used to attach really fast with people and seek them out, but now I'm a bit more reserved I suppose. I enjoy the company for what it is and let it flourish on its own instead of forcing it too much like I did in the past.

Currently, I don't have any genuine/close friends, just a few acquaintances that I talk to at work or when we're gaming, although I would love to make meaningful/strong connections again, whether that be friendships online or in real life.

My only real/genuine "friend" is my significant other. Although...I don't want to put the burden on him.


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DH thinks I should keep the PD people because at least I have someone to occasionally go out with.  They do invite me to holiday parties once or twice a year.  :stars:

Ooof, no thanks! Hanging out with those people is not worth the pain nor headache. My significant other tends to have PD friends too...they take advantage of his generosity/kindness and are troublesome.
Taking baby-steps, one day at a time..

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: So aware of PDs now that I am NC
« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2020, 02:26:48 PM »
Hey Sidney! Been out for a little while, but to answer your question, I really needed to work on my critics, both inner and outer. I simultaneously felt that I wasn’t good enough AND that nobody else was going to be a good enough friend. I needed to learn to be okay with nothing being perfect. Still working on it. But I no longer hide in shame after making some faux pas and I no longer avoid people after every little friction.