Feeling Quite Sad About It All

[Hepatica]

This morning I feel very sad about every bit of this "thing" that has been such a long part of my life. The disorder. The trauma. The unwillingness to address it within the family system. Therefore the loss, as I have finally made this excruciating choice to noticeably separate from them.

Of course it's the holidays and I've been feeling sick with migraines and I'm generally downhearted today so this adds so much weight to these sad realizations.

I just can't play the family "game" anymore. It's felt like a charade for too long. Like you take two people, marry them, have them have their two children and never once do they exhibit love, never once do they say the words love, or model the warm actions of love. Instead they model disorder, fear, control, addiction and then they force their children put on that old happy/normal mask when they walk out the door to visit the relatives and the workplaces and life in general.

The fact that I spent 18 years of my life never being smiled at with true warmth. That they never helped me with my homework. That they never got to know me as I truly am. That they really never cared to know. That they created a home that felt like a prison cell where the guards monitor you with an attitude of, at best just getting thru the day, at worst beating you into submission.

Now the trauma. That I have to find a way to heal it on my own. (Thank you for this forum as I feel finally not alone.) That the outside world has not been able to see the invisible wounds that I carry around and expect me to behave like the other folks who had warm smiles and warm hugs and laughter and had their parents on their sides in life. The emptiness that I didn't even know I was carrying. I didn't even know any better.

I know that I must feel this grief because everything I write is true and I can no longer try to fake it that my childhood was just like every other loved child's childhood.

I was not loved. It was not shown to me. It still is not. Now I am the scapegoat for waking up to it. My sister will stand up at our parent's funeral and find all of the ways to portray the masked family - the one that went every year on vacations, had great Christmas's, had enough food, had a father with a prestigious job title, two good looking parents. All of the hitting, yelling, withdrawing of affection, mental torture will be hidden under the proverbial rug, and she will get the hugs, the crown of the golden child and I will get silence, if I'm lucky. Or I will get the extended family's ire and punishment. They are excellent at punishment.

Why don't I just play along? I just can't. I don't entirely know what I am doing, but inside of me it feels right to not play along, as if I am doing a form of resistance, passive but strong resistance against a system that is like a hidden cancer, can't be seen beyond the door and the walls of the home, but it exists. Like I am holding up the placard that says, "This family has cancer!" Because I know if it isn't given help this will spread and people are angry at me for pointing it out.

This sadness is heavy and hard to feel. But this world isn't always kind, certainly not just to me, but in so many forms to so many other people and living things. I am one person though, (along with all of you) standing up and saying, let's do something about this. Let's try a new way. This has to be okay. Hopefully it has to be healing.

It helps me to write it down and remember what I am trying to do. Move away from the "cancer." I am not a bad person. I am just not living in denial anymore.

* * *

Edited to Add: I just wrote that and my migraine is considerably less intense. I've been holding way too much in. Good to let it out.

[blacksheep7]

This morning I feel very sad about every bit of this "thing" that has been such a long part of my life. The disorder. The trauma. The unwillingness to address it within the family system. Therefore the loss, as I have finally made this excruciating choice to noticeably separate from them.

Of course it's the holidays and I've been feeling sick with migraines and I'm generally downhearted today so this adds so much weight to these sad realizations.

I just can't play the family "game" anymore. It's felt like a charade for too long. Like you take two people, marry them, have them have their two children and never once do they exhibit love, never once do they say the words love, or model the warm actions of love. Instead they model disorder, fear, control, addiction and then they force their children put on that old happy/normal mask when they walk out the door to visit the relatives and the workplaces and life in general.

The fact that I spent 18 years of my life never being smiled at with true warmth. That they never helped me with my homework. That they never got to know me as I truly am. That they really never cared to know. That they created a home that felt like a prison cell where the guards monitor you with an attitude of, at best just getting thru the day, at worst beating you into submission.

Now the trauma. That I have to find a way to heal it on my own. (Thank you for this forum as I feel finally not alone.) That the outside world has not been able to see the invisible wounds that I carry around and expect me to behave like the other folks who had warm smiles and warm hugs and laughter and had their parents on their sides in life. The emptiness that I didn't even know I was carrying. I didn't even know any better.

I know that I must feel this grief because everything I write is true and I can no longer try to fake it that my childhood was just like every other loved child's childhood.

I was not loved. It was not shown to me. It still is not. Now I am the scapegoat for waking up to it. My sister will stand up at our parent's funeral and find all of the ways to portray the masked family - the one that went every year on vacations, had great Christmas's, had enough food, had a father with a prestigious job title, two good looking parents. All of the hitting, yelling, withdrawing of affection, mental torture will be hidden under the proverbial rug, and she will get the hugs, the crown of the golden child and I will get silence, if I'm lucky. Or I will get the extended family's ire and punishment. They are excellent at punishment.

Why don't I just play along? I just can't. I don't entirely know what I am doing, but inside of me it feels right to not play along, as if I am doing a form of resistance, passive but strong resistance against a system that is like a hidden cancer, can't be seen beyond the door and the walls of the home, but it exists. Like I am holding up the placard that says, "This family has cancer!" Because I know if it isn't given help this will spread and people are angry at me for pointing it out.

This sadness is heavy and hard to feel. But this world isn't always kind, certainly not just to me, but in so many forms to so many other people and living things. I am one person though, (along with all of you) standing up and saying, let's do something about this. Let's try a new way. This has to be okay. Hopefully it has to be healing.

It helps me to write it down and remember what I am trying to do. Move away from the "cancer." I am not a bad person. I am just not living in denial anymore.

* * *

Edited to Add: I just wrote that and my migraine is considerably less intense. I've been holding way too much in. Good to let it out.

Hi Hepatica  :)

I'm sorry about how you are feeling, not pleasant at all.

I can relate entirely to what you wrote and especially what I highlighted (bold).  It's been  3.5 yrs that I am nc with Foo mainly because NM triangulated.  My brother told me once that I have issues with NM????
I'm 65 and my three of  sibs are younger, the eldest wasn't around for 35 years. 

They have their own family and couldn't be bothered by the past and still live a co-dependent/enmeshed, dysfunctional  life.  They are masking reality in different ways, mostly addiction, always have.  So I am/was seen as the trouble maker when I voiced my opinion or concerns.  They avoided me after my nc with NM.

Yes it's lonely at the top.  Like you, I just can not pretend and play , it's just on in me.

To conclude, it took me a good three years to get the Rage out.   There are days when I still get triggered bringing out anger in me.  It could be by just watching a movie or a certain phrase I hear on a tv show.   I still write as if I am speaking to the members of my FOO.  It' helps.

It was this forum and the books I read that were suggested that helped me do the work. My T moved on and the new one I had found did not click with me at all.

Keep on writing as long as you have to!  We understand.
  :bighug:

[DistanceNotDefense]

Oh, hugs dear Hepatica

I relate to this immensely. If I were bolding like Black Sheep, I'd be bolding the entire thing!

It's taking a shift for me. But I realize in my grief that what I'm so wistful over, the many opportunities for love given to me but which were deliberately avoided, is not even my FOO.

FOO were never what I thought they were in my mind. I'm waking up to it. It's so hard.

What I'm grieving is a fantasy.

The more and more I loop through the feelings though, the more it dawns on me "who even are they?" instead of "I miss them so much and grieve what could have been."

In a way it never could have been, never was, and never will be. Acceptance is so hard .... I feel you, and I stand by your decision to play the family games no longer. It was a game you never chose to play, it hurt you, and you have the right to leave it all behind

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hepatica, sending you my support. I agree that it is so sad. I wish there was an easy answer.

It seems the unwillingness of our family to address what we have called out leaves us in the default role as outsiders. It is not a position anyone would chose, but what we are assigned. You are not alone with feeling sad about this unenviable spot.

Sometimes I also wonder why I couldn't have just played along. Actually my family asked me that question several times in the past when I went rogue. You said it accurately that "you just can't. You do not need any further justification. You actually probably did play along until it all became just too much. In reality you never did need to play along in order to be accepted and loved. Just being who you is all that was ever needed. 

[Hepatica]

In reality you never did need to play along in order to be accepted and loved. Just being who you is all that was ever needed. 

This is true, and for so many of us here, I wonder if we get thrown into a state of unreality when we realize, just being who we are becomes not exactly unloved, but threatening to the family system that is disordered. I often feel like I'm in the unreal world now, where my life story is topsy turvy and now I'm trying to set it back up right.

DistanceNotDefense, and what you say about the fantasy also brings in the sense of unreality in what we've gone through. The more I stand by myself and realize I am exactly right in my feelings, the better I feel. It's a really hard process but I am noticing that allying with myself brings me more peace than where I was four months ago. The NC has given me the space I needed to feel more clear.

BlackSheep77, thanks for the understanding and kind reflection. This is lonely and I just hope one day I find the purpose in it and can somehow process it without the sadness and the resentment. It sure helps sharing it with you guys.

[DistanceNotDefense]

DistanceNotDefense, and what you say about the fantasy also brings in the sense of unreality in what we've gone through. The more I stand by myself and realize I am exactly right in my feelings, the better I feel. It's a really hard process but I am noticing that allying with myself brings me more peace than where I was four months ago. The NC has given me the space I needed to feel more clear.

Totally. We've been dwelling in *their* reality all our lives.

I've been watching documentaries on people leaving cults lately. There are so many parallels to how these victims feel and what it's felt like for me to go NC. After all, some cults use very similar tactics of abuse and neglect (gaslighting, changing reality/facts, if you want to leave it's because you're the evil one, etc.)

It's made me realize that I was kind of "programmed," by my family to think these things so their emotional needs would be more easily met and protected, and they'd never be alone/always have supply. ("if I had only tried harder I would be more loved." "If I had only been more light-hearted", tons of no-win situations, etc. etc). The way my FOO do act is almost brainwashed by the reigning whims and opinions of the uPD(s). And like many brainwashed victims, breaking out of the "group reality" can be a huge shock, and that reality will always haunt you in many ways. (Many cult survivors are also diagnosed CPTSD)

I feel they programmed us so we see ourselves through their eyes only - and we're de-programming that. When I realize there are so many other people who see me differently than my family, and I see myself extremely differently than them in many in glimpses, I want to see that more and less of what they see. If that makes sense.

[Hepatica]

Distance,
So true.... dwelling in their reality. Amazing how long it can take to remove that sticky web that keeps is entangled. Even after everything I've read and all my time in therapy, I still never considered that I had trauma and needed to move away (emotionally) to heal it.

The similarities to a cult are frightening, and the fact that our entire culture and most cultures, shame those of us either covertly or overtly, for distancing from disordered family systems continues to puzzle and concern me.

[Boat Babe]

Sending hugs Hepatica.

Remember that this too shall pass.  I haven't got the words tonight but it's going to be alright.

Grab some coloured pencils and draw your spirit, your centre of pure awareness. I did that once in therapy and I can still see the multicolored flame I drew. Put it on the fridge❤️

[Stardust1982]

Hi Hepatica.

I don't have much advice to give but know that I truly understand where you're coming from. Yes it feels like an unloving family has a hidden cancer that makes everyone ill. It's disgusting to be in the middle of it all. For me it feels like I'm in a weird place filled with lunatics who all want something from each other. It's clear that it's not my place and NC will certainly wipe away this weird feeling.
Whenever someone does something awful in the family (eg put downs or other hurtful actions), I remind myself that they are ill and this is not my reality. I deserve better and I will get better things. I just need to be patient, grieve the loss and move on.

sending you hugs!

[Stardust1982]

@DistancenotDefense
Your parallel to living in a cult is spot on. A PD FAMILY IS A CULT!! I can't stress this enough. We were brainwashed, manipulated and forced against our true nature to believe from an early age that we are nothing and no one without our PD parent's opinion and projections of us. This hurts like hell and I'm definitely sensing the pain of being brainwashed more now that I've decided to cut ties.

I'll certainly be looking into those docs to learn more about cults.

[DistanceNotDefense]

@DistancenotDefense
Your parallel to living in a cult is spot on. A PD FAMILY IS A CULT!! I can't stress this enough. We were brainwashed, manipulated and forced against our true nature to believe from an early age that we are nothing and no one without our PD parent's opinion and projections of us. This hurts like hell and I'm definitely sensing the pain of being brainwashed more now that I've decided to cut ties.

I'll certainly be looking into those docs to learn more about cults.

Totally! Not so much that a dysfunctional family is literally a cult, but that the same tactics are used.

In brainwashing (adults) they try to get your mind into a suggestible state. As children our brains are automatically suggestible. Our loved ones (meant to be loved ones) can put whatever they want there.

Seeing these parallels is really helping me flush out what truly is my inner critic compared to the voices that are really mine. Cult survivors describe that even years after leaving/de-programming, they'll still hear/feel the doctrine, voices, and fear from time to time (their own inner critic). (Not to mention, I myself was raised in a cult religion, and it is incredible to think my FOO had a stronger grip on me than the religion.)

It's just really helped me realize that those voices were truly put there by someone else and they're not mine at all. I'm innocent. It helps me resist them more easily too.

[Hilltop]

Hepatica I hope you are feeling better.  Perhaps its the holidays coming up.  I made the mistake of watching some holiday movies and they all feature loving normal families and now I feel a little down.  People around me are talking about their plans for seeing their families and I feel a little lost.  I was never helped with my homework either.  I thought that was normal.

It sucks to have to go through any sort of healing and I am struggling with this at the moment as well.  I just want to feel fine and normal about life.  It sucks to have to go through this thing that we shouldn't have to go through because of a family who should be loving but weren't.

It's exhausting and it's confusing and we don't even know what we are doing, we just stumble through trying to make sense of it all.  So yeah I don't have any warm fuzzies but just wanted to let you know you are not alone.  It reaches a point like you say you can't play the family game anymore and now you have to figure out what you are going to do and what that looks like.

I sometimes see how that can be energising, you know a new start on your own terms but it does mostly feel heavy at this stage.  I take comfort in the fact that others here keep saying it gets better.  I hope you feel better soon.

[Hepatica]

Thanks so much Hilltop,

Today is a better day. I think I have to accept that this process will have some peaks and valleys, esp. in the beginning stages. Feeling ill last week with a bit of a flu and those headaches made me have to stay still and that's when the grief seeps in. As they say, you've got to feel it to heal it. I feel quite grateful for the grief once I've moved through it. And thank Goodness I have learned some self-care while I'm in it. I think that even a year ago, I would have added to the pain of it by being hard on myself. I am really noting this kind inner voice lately. It's really growing.

And it sure helps having you guys as a community to model that as well.

Thanks so much to all of you.

[treesgrowslowly]

This thread is full of such great stuff.

The sadness of it all...so true.

So much sadness happens especially early on when those migraines and bodily forms of trauma have been so held in for so long.

There is a profound sadness when we see with our own eyes that it didn't have to be this way, but it was this way and there is nothing we can do to change the past.

I find the existential element of understanding trauma is hard. It didn't have to be that way, but it was that way.

Sadness about that is a form of coming to help ourselves because we are feeling the grief of it all which is very personal. Anger- where I spent a lot of time I have to admit- is way more about them and what they did. Sadness heals through a different sort of process.

I agree and am also puzzled that few people understand NC despite that they have the capacity to understand the same dynamics in other settings. So many people now understand that abusive bosses or workplaces are not good, but wont 'go there' and consider that some families are just as abusive. But at least people here have their eyes open. We know that not all parents are safe people. Becoming a parent didn't make their PD go away and for my parents I can say they had no business raising children. They just didn't.

Until society 'gets this' we will be the ones who support one another.

Trees

[DistanceNotDefense]

Today is a better day. I think I have to accept that this process will have some peaks and valleys, esp. in the beginning stages. Feeling ill last week with a bit of a flu and those headaches made me have to stay still and that's when the grief seeps in. As they say, you've got to feel it to heal it.

So much sadness happens especially early on when those migraines and bodily forms of trauma have been so held in for so long.

Wow. I'm definitely going through this stage. I get migraines 3-4 days almost every month since NC and at times it's been frightening, along with the grief that seeps in when I'm completely laid up.

But it's so validating that others go through the exact same thing, that this is a process to expect. It really does make me feel like everything is going to be OK.

I'm so sorry you both have gone through this (and that anyone has to go through this) but I appreciate so much that people share what they go through here.