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Not Good Enough

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« on: July 03, 2020, 04:31:32 PM »
Hello I have been in a "marriage" for many years. I was shut out from my relatives as well as being shut out from my in-laws. My wife and I loved each other and were happy together but my wife changed and began to insist on excellence in me and everyone we came into contact with. It became more and more difficult.

This was all triggered by my son's loss of 3000 words of speech starting the day after a vaccination. He also stopped growing at this time for about a year. My wife continued to insist that we have to find the cure and that only we can do it because only we could truly understand our children. My second son regressed with a fever and lost eye contact, speech and the ability to feed himself. She refused to bring him to the doctor and refused to allow them therapy. It became increasingly clear that there was something wrong with my wife because no one could meet her standards, not the school system so they were home schooled, not therapists so they received no therapy. She refused to delegate tasks to others. She was very strict in terms of moral standards. No one met those standards.
She was very miserly beyond any cultural considerations.

I know I am using the vocabulary of the DSM but she really fits the OCPD profile to the tee: Seven out of the 8 criteria where you only need 4 to have the diagnosis. Also the one criteria she does not have, the hoarding, has several times been questioned as to whether it really should be part of the disorder.  Some writers also describe a course of severity where the person has some traits mildly then it becomes more severe, then the person becomes completely isolated and then the final stage is suicidality. She's gone through all of these stages.

I left once eight years ago because I could not handle it anymore. I called the Children's aid Society because the children were being neglected. Some changes were made and I made sure she would never talk about suicide or about "curing" autism again. She allowed my neurotypical son to go to school and his life and development became much better. The others went to therapy and improved but she cancelled the therapy continuing to insist the real problem is in the gut not the brain. They began to stagnate again  and after a few years they started to have seizures. One of my sons nearly died of seizures  after her refusal to use anti-seizure medication.  She finally relented to allow anti-seizure medicaton but continued to control the process and and not follow the doctors' recommendations. After them having many seizures ( ie 80 seizures in 3 months for one child and 24 seizures in 3 months for the other child) I left.  I was taking care of them all night and working every day so I got about 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. I was getting sick from her way of life and she was continuing to blame me for avoiding sleeping with her when I had to sleep near my children to keep them safe from falling down the stairs etc.

The problem seemed to always be me: my depression, my anger, I must have not remembered things correctly. Only recently did I discover that this is called gas-lighting.  I know many people write about ways of accommodating the PDer in your life and showing patience, but when children are involved the right thing has to be done for the children. So I called the Children's Aid Society again and filed for divorce. I like to think my life has a new beginning where I can do all the things I want and help my children more than ever before by allowing others finally to help.
« Last Edit: July 03, 2020, 05:04:00 PM by xredshoesx »



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Re: Hello
« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2020, 05:18:03 PM »
Welcome! I am sorry you had to find us and glad you did. I agree 100% with you that when children are involved the right thing has to be done for the children. I think you are doing the right thing.  Wishing you strength on your journey!
Stick around here - you will find a lot of information and support on this forum.
Our march to freedom is irreversible. We must not allow fear to stand in our way.  Nelson Mandela



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Re: Hello
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2020, 06:50:00 PM »
what if i told you that you are good enough?

it takes a tremendous amount of courage to dissolve a marriage with a emotionally healthy person.  think of it this way- what you are doing is the best thing you can do for your kids- to model what healthy adult behavior looks like and to hopefully be able to give them a place where they can just be.

keep reading and posting-  some sections to check out are separating and divorcing and common behaviors-  i hope both sections will help  get some validation and see that you are not alone in your experiences.

Separating and Divorcing

Common Behaviors

hope to see you on the board soon- until then be gentle with yourself and take care