NM died, NB stealing estate.

[KittyKat]

My mom died two months ago July 5th. I talk to a few people, and have gotten some support but still feel like I have no one to talk to who understands how I feel. I'm so depressed. I've been through a lot of demoralizing things in my life but coming to the finality of understanding that your own mother went her whole life without loving you has got to be the most demoralizing.

To top it off, my brother is stealing my inheritance. I went VL and NC with them 6 years ago and my NB who was nowhere to be found for the 35 years I spent taking care of her sick fkn emotional needs, having her sabotage my entire life, spends 5 years with her then texts me that she died. That day, I then find out that he and his shrew of a wife sold the house that she's been promising me for all of those 35 years. Given that he emptied one of her bank accounts into his personal account I'm pretty sure that he's done the same with the house proceeds.

I should have gotten in the neighborhood of $3-400,000 from the estate. My lawyer tells me he had until July 5th to send me all relevant paperwork. Since today is a holiday and the 5th is a Sunday, that deadline passed. So now I'll be forced to take legal action.

I'm a psychic medium. The day after she died I started an advanced mediumship class. In the course of that class while practicing with other students, I got a couple of messages from her, most of which stands out, "I did love you but I understand I was not the mother you needed ***I KNOW THAT MAY NOT MEAN MUCH NOW." Yeah, no sh*t. If you're so sorry then why don't you do something from the other side to prevent your GC son from making my life even more miserable than you made it?

The worst part of it is, and this is the part people really don't understand, is that both were/are covert narcs. So they had me fooled for much of my life. There are actually memories that were supposed to have made me believe that they loved me. It doesn't feel reconcilable. People who love you don't gaslight you and destroy your life, purposefully and without an ounce of responsibility or regret, or, dare I say more with glee.

Of course, the last 2 years NB put on the full-court press smear campaign on my for my dad's side of the family who I was making inroads with. He doesn't care about them he just didn't want them to care about me. So I have my husband and my cats. That's it. My dad's sister is 92 and she's been nice to me and was the only one in my family to call for condolences. One FB msg from a cousin and that was it. I'm sure NB was flooded with support and sympathy from them.

My husband is very supportive, and as I say some friends have been too, and while I feel a measure of peace that I'm not dealing with her in the same way anymore, I still just feel so alone, so depressed and so demoralized. I'm not really asking for advice because I don't see that there's any really to give, I just needed to write somewhere that I feel heard and understood. Thank you for listening.

[nanotech]

 I'm so sorry you've had all of that happen to you.
Please don't feel alone. Or at least know that there are others like you.
This very morning I've found myself singing ( out loud eek ) my late mother's favourite song.
When something like this happens, an odd and conflicting set of emotions then take place. 
There's love there, but the abuse was there too. It's as if I can't enjoy her memory. They didn't even give us that. I think that's the rub.

I'm several years on, since mum passed, so it's easier.

It gets better. 

My family of origin (many are disordered) are happy to stay in the fog, and even now, wax lyrical in sickly sweet tones about mum.
The most abused adult child ( Nsis), does this the most.

They gaslight themselves, so they don't have to face the truth. 

I realise that I'm very damaged by my upbringing and then by both parents' continual abuse of me as an adult child.
I'm VLC with dad.
I have a GCbrother ( N) who is already cosied up to my elderly dad financially. He has access to dad's bank accounts and keeps tabs on his spending.
GC N bro has had me banned from my parents' house in the past. There was a major conflict ( long story)  ..... which eventually led me to seek therapy. This is when I began to understand that I'd been abused. I was 52.

When dad passes, I will probably lose out money wise due to the brother. I might contest stuff too. Who knows?

I'm NC with two of my three siblings, and VLC
with the other one. I can't be around them. They continued to abuse through passive aggression. They can't even text me without doing it. So now it's no texting either now. That caused some hard rage but I just ignored that. GCN brother doesn't know what's happened to me. He can't fathom why I'm no longer compliant. He tried to imply to my daughter that I was losing my mind! (because I finally said no to the abusive texting).
I can't see them. Family parties are a fest of sickening love -bombing followed swiftly by covert, passive aggression. Yuk.
No.
Then too, with them comes theit own  self- gaslighting, through magical thinking.
I can't take it. I can't even look at it.
They rage against my quiet
'no thank- you' to this because I leave a gaping hole in their illusion. They disguise their need for N supply and for me to collude, as 'love and concern'. Their very abuse wears clothes of concern.
I've lost weight, they saw me and were 'concerned' I might have an eating disorder!

Their mantra ;

'We are such a close and loving family'
Crap.
It's like being in some sort of demonic play, and I want  to laugh! 
Or cry! 
I'm sorry for what you've been through with your brother. It's very very unfair.
Good luck with your legal action. Expect some hostility, you are strong enough.
You wrote;
"People who love you don't gaslight you and destroy your life, purposefully and without an ounce of responsibility or regret, or, dare I say more with glee. "

This really resonated with me. It's what I've had too, all of my life. It isn't right and it's so unfair.
But one thing I can do now, is call it out to myself, raise and keep my boundaries,  and have very little no contact with those  abusers still living.
This feels good. I'm living!

Sending hugs!  You ARE loved! Your husband and your friends, and WE support you! We have your back.
It was THEIR  loss.

[xredshoesx]

i am sorry to hear of your loss-  even though your mother was uPD/PD, it's still painful as it brings up all the conflict, struggle and chaos back to the surface.

in my situation if money came up i'd have to hard pass on accepting it.  to me it would be like hush money or blood money, and accepting it would be like accepting their version of history; the one where i wasn't sexually abused and my mother was not responsible for the death of one of my half sisters. 
is the $$$ worth the price you'll pay emotionally when you are battling it out in court with your uPD brother?   

[nanotech]

Thank you, Nanotech.  I'm sorry you've gone through and are going through that , as well. I kind of feel that after the estate is settled, I hope it will feel  like it's all over since I will never want to see my NB again. (Or his shrew of a wife.) But I guess it's never really over, is it. We have to live with the effects forever. They can get better but it's like having grown up in some sort of weird mind-bending cult. Some effects will just never go away.

Thank you for your kind comments Kitty cat -Yes. It is a a cult.
That's why they will throw anything and everything in our path to stop us leaving.
That's why when we do leave, if feels so weird and final.
Other people in regular families grow up and become independent. They leave home, move away- but they remain safe in the knowledge that if they should need them, their family will always have their back.
When we leave our family of PDs, run by PDs, in terms of no longer following their system, they simply throw us out with the bath water.
Black and white thinking. Splitting. Call it whatever. We are dumped.
Persona non grata.
What feels acutely  painful is actually a  rebirth, a badge of honour.  Pat yourself on the back! You got out!
The money aspect is a personal decision. I 'm with you, we've earned it, plus it's the principal of the thing. 
PD families are like vampires. They don't stand up well to outside scrutiny. Shine a light on their corruption, and they wither and shrivel.
What's more, the courts can't have their fear, obligation and guilt buttons pressed, nor can they be gaslighted or intimidated.
Your family have to behave themselves.
You will literally have your day in court!
Also, don't give up with the extended family. They may notice more than you think. People do. They often see what's true without anything having to be said. Or with very little said. I thought all of mine were against me, but that wasn't the case, even though there's been an effort, I think, to besmirch my name. 
I was just myself around them.  I didn't get into any discussions on my siblings' behaviour.  I just carried on and talked of other things with them. My siblings dislike that they like me. ( horrible lot)!
Anyway, good luck!

[Blue233]

Similar experience.  After my mother died, NDad immediately removed me from the family estate that was set up before my mother's death.  Ndad also removed my eldest brother.  The only person left on the estate was my youngest brother, who also happens to be the only biological child of my Ndad.  Older brother and I are adopted, have been scapegoats at various times, with me being most recent.  When Ndad did this, it was days after my mother's funeral, and nothing had occurred in which to trigger this nasty final blow.  I did not find this out until I did some research into the public records after the eventual falling out and me going no contact.

In addition, Nbrother (youngest brother) took possession of the entire estate, including all items in my parent's 45 year old home, Ndad's car, all of Ndad's very expensive gun collection, all of my mother's items, all bank accounts etc. Ndad made golden child Nbro executor of the estate, so there was nothing I could do. 

Ndad accused me of being mentally ill right after a horrific family "meeting" in which I was ganged up on by all of them.  I ended up leaving in tears.  That was the start of me going no contact.  I attempted to reach out to my father after said meeting, and this was when he told me I was "mentally ill" and needed help.  This was in response to me telling him how his behavior impacted me all these years.  Ironically, he then committed suicide a year later - so who was mentally ill?

Nbrother went on to take it all.  Not sure if he shared with other brother as I was now no contact.  At first I wanted to fight it, but after awhile, it just wasn't worth it to me anymore.   The peace and safety I received from going no contact has been priceless.  I have no desire to fight any of them for possessions or money.  It's tainted to me at this point.  I easily lost out on 1/4 million plus in assets.  Oh well.  There is more to life than riches.  I refuse to spend one more moment of my life being miserable with them in it.  I'm a lot happier now that I'm away from them.

[nanotech]

Kitty that's awful.
I'm sending my love.
I can't believe he's treated you like that.
It's just appalling. Please know that you have friends on here who care about you.
We recognise and acknowledge these injustices.
I think I might be in for this too, eventually,  with my soab NBrother, who is golden child and POA.
😔
Nasty letters seem to be a characteristic of theirs. I've has a few of those. ( 5 pages is especially horrible. Was there nothing on the TV - perhaps he was bored? ! Lol.
Remember that any insults in that letter describe HIM, not you. They project their own venomous natures so that they don't have to deal with themselves.
Keep strong. You are enough and you are worthy. You're an amazing person and they are sinking further into the mud.

[raindrop]

Oh, Kitty, this is terrible. I'm so so sorry to hear all of this is happening.

Only you can know what is the right path to take regarding these matters: trust your still silent centre, it knows the truth! And you are strong enough to do what you know to be right for you. You got this! And we've got you xx