in the middle of a struggle with low self-esteem

[gj438]

Hello !

I'm currently not very gentle with myself to be honest. I try to, though.

I gained something like 8kg in one year and I can't accept the changes that occured to my body, even though I  just went from "very thin" to "thin". These thoughts haunt me and I don't talk much about them because I'm ashamed of being "a thin girl complaining about her weight". I had never had problems with my weight and eating before, I was just not thinking about it. And now every meal is becoming a pain because the thoughts come, and every time I see myself in the mirror I am disgusted and most of all I don't recognise myself. I can't believe this new body is mine. When my mum (I don't know if she has a PD but she is definitely weird and always devaluating me and my sisters) saw I'd gained weight she made a remark and it triggered the whole stress. She then said "oh don't worry, I had the same experience when I was your age, then I became a little anorexic and the problem was solved" (well that was useful information, thanks mum). I'm sick of having these recurring thoughts several times a day! I'd like to lose this weight and be as I was before -which I liked and was used to. In my optimistic days I see it with a touch of humor as a training for when I'm getting pregnant or old and my body will change. But the rest of the time it is just stress.

Besides, I feel like a lot of people just see me as someone weak and vulnerable, who is only a burden and can't help or give. I know that it is not true and I have proof, and yet my emotions are really often saying me this. I used to be an optimistic person and since I've had a bad relationship with my ex (who most probably had schizoid PD), and my uNPD ex-coworker, I'm just the shadow of myself. My default mode is feeling bad, and I make plenty of efforts to feel happy (I accept the pain but can't ruin my life by being always sad). Oh ! Writing this it makes me think that I could just stop making these efforts and accept that now is a sad period, even though all the real hardship is behind me. It doesn't mean I'll be a burden. My ex always "punished" me when I was too sad or too happy, I think because he couldn't stand being with someone with emotions. He also said he was not my therapist when I told him about my emotions, so maybe that's why I feel like a burden whenever I talk about them. So I feel like I should keep being happy and that showing sadness to my current boyfriend is in itself a burden.

I am also ashamed because I think I got fleas and I'm behaving not optimally with my boyfriend. I often interpret his behaviour through the lens of my experience with my ex or my ex-coworker. Then I'm angry at him because I feel I must protect myself. I'm currently working on this particular topic in therapy because that's really the most painful, since I am hurting an innocent person that I love. But it's going so slow, and I'd like not to be like this in the first place.

The thing that really helps is that I know it won't be like that forever soon it'll be over and I'll be optimistic again !

[tragedy or hope]

gj438,
I too hurt the one I care for by expecting or reading into his actions as hurtful on purpose toward me. I know it is from growing up with a mother who disapproved of me and a dad who threatened her about hurting me. Awful alcoholic situation.

I think now... ME TOO. About all things with others. I matter too!

You were meant to be on the earth and have a life of your own. Our food is certainly about our feelings. I got thin, and like you, I felt invisible! It was really a strange situation. I felt unnoticed and insignificant. With some extra weight I feel I matter. Go figure.

Keep seeking answers for yourself not for those around you. No one will be able to help you but yourself. One, because you are the only one who truly knows what you need and two... others just will not care for us the way we want or expect. And three a kind of caveate... you are a woman. If a woman does not take care of herself, no one else will take care of her. (IMO)

It's just the way the world seems to work. (unless of course illness or something requires help and even then...)

Occasionally fleas sneak onto the best of us.

Thank you for your honesty and encouragement that this too will pass.