I'm the PD in this one :(

[vijaykumari]

 I sometimes wonder if I belong in this forum.  Yes I dealt with parents with narcissistic, anxious and histrionic traits.  But now I'm in my 50s and I'm in a relationship with someone I think is healthier than most, and I'm the PD in this.  On one hand I can't imagine that growing up with PD parents wouldn't give you some problems with development; but I would have thought that by now I'd be over it.  I don't know if it's just PTSD or if it's BPD or both.  I went through a lot of therapy, and I'm so much better, but there are still triggers.  They are related to fear of abandonment, and other anxieties, and I can feel myself drifting off mentally but I can't bring myself back fast enough to function.

Anyway I feel like (from the post titles) that this is all about how terrible it is to deal with someone with a PD and I'm that person.  It's affected my kids, who seem to be doing well except for general anxiety here and there.  Maybe they should be here, not me. 

[xredshoesx]

i can't speak for everyone here but i know that many folks, myself included, wanted to find something about us that was fixable, including being the uPD/ PD because we were the ones in our relationships trying to find answers and changes-

being a PD/ uPD doesn't preclude someone from participating in the forums-  however if it was the case for you we'd be focusing on what was going in the relationship with you and your mother vs your own personal healing journey.

you mentioned therapy- is this a topic you'd feel comfortable exploring with a therapist?  also i  would recommend checking out the articles on fleas- fleas are unhealthy coping mechanisms/ responses we use to survive in our chaotic families that can come back and cause us problems in the future- example from my life- when things are bad i still worst case scenario plan- which basically means my car battery needs replacement but in my mind i go from there to being homeless and jobless in under a minute in my mind because all i can see is the bad spiraling- so with the pandemic and stuff i've been on edge for a while now-  i'm not sure if i'll ever be over it, i need to recognize it for what it is and put my rational mind on (i do this by listing or speaking the GOOD things i do have control over) and try to work myself back from that small hurt child that still has fear of being abandoned and left without the things she needs to be able to survive.

https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/fleas

again, be gentle with you today.   it sounds like you've hit a point in your life where you want change but there is so much to unpack that it's really overwhelming right now.  take some deep breaths.  you can do this, it's going to be hard but keep taking small steps and know it's ok to talk to someone in a professional capacity too.

[PeanutButter]

I sometimes wonder if I belong in this forum.  Yes I dealt with parents with narcissistic, anxious and histrionic traits... I feel like (from the post titles) that this is all about how terrible it is to deal with someone with a PD and I'm that person.  It's affected my kids, who seem to be doing well except for general anxiety here and there.  Maybe they should be here, not me.

It is my understanding that what you say you feel when you read the thread titles is common and is even discussed in the member guidelines just in case you didnt know.

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=30.0
"Our mission is to provide information and support, without judgment, to anyone who has a family member or loved-one who suffers from a personality disorder... we are a...group of peers dedicated to offering support and the opportunity for personal growth for people who have been affected by someone who suffers from a personality disorder...If you suffer from, or suspect you suffer from a personality disorder, you are welcome to join if the discussion still revolves around dealing with the loved ones in your life with a PD...people at a site like this need a safe place to discuss openly how a person with a PD may have hurt them. If you suffer from a PD and choose to participate on this board please do not take such comments personally"

So yes this site is dealing with the terribly painful dynamics we are experiencing with pwpd in our lives.

However, I myself have severe emotional disregulation. I have had multiple diagnosis, some were actually misdiagnosis (bipolar disorder & severe depressive episode). Which commonly happens with bpd I hear. Im not saying I have bpd but I definately have fleas. 

I am doing so much better than I was. I will continue to work on being a better me daily for the rest of my life. I find that this forum has been a catalyst for recognising areas of improvement I needed several times already.

IME  instead of getting down for what I recognise in myself I work on learning a more positive behavior replacement as an improvement to a more authentic me. A more authentic me responds from an observer status instead of reacting from a triggered place.

I hope you find the support you are in need of.

[Wilderhearts]

Vjay, it sounded from your post like perhaps both of your parents had PDs, or at least PD'd behaviour.  Depending on your other circumstances, you may not have had any modelling of how to have a healthy relationship with others or yourself, how to develop healthy attachments, how to self-regulate, and how to cope.  As children, we only experience as much emotional regulation as our parents provide for us.  Eventually we start regulating ourselves bit by bit, and they withdraw their regulation of us as they see we're capable of doing it ourselves.  But if you don't get that as a child?  If both parents are narcissistic and never soothe you?  How would you learn to self-soothe?  You've probably had to figure out most of that own your own, or with the help of your emotionally healthy partner.

I'll mention two things for you to consider.  First, people with PDs often lack the insight to recognize that their ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving are disordered and harmful to others.  Yes, some people with PDs will have limited insight, but not a whole lot.  There's actually a trend among psychiatrists to not deliver a PD diagnosis to the patient, out of fear the patient will become more resistant to treatment.

The second thing to consider is the overlap between Complex PTSD (CPTSD) and BPD.  The two, however, can be distinguished.  One feature they share is emotional dysregulation.  What distinguishes BPD from CPTSD is that with BPD, you have frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, not just abandonment issues (I have those too).  Whereas pwBPD tend to have very high then very low self-esteem and lack "self-organization," people with CPTSD tend to have chronically low self-esteem, as a part of unstable sense of self.  The last distinguishing marker between BPD and CPTSD is that pwBPD tend to have much more interpersonal difficulties.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4165723/

Regardless of what is the source of the distress and interpersonal challenges you're experiencing, I agree that mental health support will only help.  Dialectical Behavioural Therapy is designed to treat BPD and emotional dysregulation in general.  Trauma therapy has been particularly helpful for me, especially since it involves learning how to regulate my very sensitive nervous system.

I think most of us who have survived PD'd abuse have questioned, at one time or another, whether we are in fact the person with a PD.  Perhaps what is most important for you is that you're interested in the truth of what you're dealing with, so that you can heal.