Another long time lurker saying hello

[Dragonfly]

 Hello ... another long time lurker of this site over the years. I have  a mother who was diagnosed as borderline, bipolar, and manic depressive disorders many years ago. I have met much resistance in trying to have a life separate from hers- and have only just begun to have some success. One of the things I have noticed over and over is that I have to lie if I have time off -or want to go somewhere. (I am in my mid 40's.... ) If  I tell her about it outright-  it is brought up repeatedly ...making you wish you never said anything.  She will smear you to anyone that will listen.  She resents the job, the husband, your once a week church activities ...anything that takes your time away. Back during the last financial crisis I was laid off& lost most everything ...8 months later i finally got a job of some kind- She told me I should have stayed laid off    Loss of control?
  My question is does anyone else hate that you cant just live your life? .. I have to hide info all the time....lie about when i work or when i am off- just to breathe. I work 12 hour days frequently... BPDM  has been married multiple times but nowadays she isolates herself  ..so there is no one else. She also makes too much money to get help from social services. Sometimes i wonder if she even wants to get better.. There is so much - its hard to articulate...i just wanted to say hello though.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group dragonfly,

it's amazing what our families tell us in the name of "support" during a crisis.... esp when that "support" is really just manipulation and/or FOG.

sounds like you know your mother well and exactly what she is capable of-  i think you are already doing the best possible - living your life despite her constant machinations to bring you back under her control.  from what you've shared it sounds like you are an only child and she put the burden on you of being her everything for lack of a better term.   you don't have to tell her *everything* because it's not your job to be her eveyrthing and it's not hiding things from her, it's you being a grown adult and living a life separate from her.   like you said, she alternates between resenting your life outside of *her* but at the same time won't leave you alone.....i am glad you are trying to not let that stop you from being your own person with your own family.

you are not alone- many of the members are struggling with that same need to fully separate from their parents.  if you haven't already, please do check out the dealing with PD parents part of the forum-

Dealing with PD Parents

anyways just keep doing what you need to do to put you and your own family first- 

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Dragonfly and welcome to this forum.

I think there are lots of folks here who can relate. It is a real struggle to be in a relationship with anyone who is insecure. When the insecure person is our parent it can be really confusing for us. It took me quite a while to get Out of the FOG.

I hope you find helpful information here.

Trees