Hello:)

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HK

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Hello:)
« on: July 05, 2020, 10:54:33 PM »
Hello-
I live in California, and am in my 40's. I'm here to see how others cope with friends and family with personality disorders. I have problems with my sister, who is 13 yrs. younger. I'm not sure if she has a PD, but I will mention that she uses manipulation and playing the role of victim to get what she wants, and avoid any blame for the problems she causes. I'm feeling very upset because our shared dad usually gives her a pass and doesn't recognize the harm she evokes on me. I was close to my dad growing up. He got a woman that I didn't get along with at all, pregnant and my sister was born. In the beginning I fell in love with her and gave her all my love and support, although her mom and I were at odds. As she has grown older, she has become her mom and has reenacted many of the traits her mom once did. I don't feel supported by my dad. My sister usually starts crying when I attempt to approach her about our issues, and my dad takes her side:(. Anyone else have this situation?

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Starboard Song

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Re: Hello:)
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2020, 08:29:22 AM »
Welcome to Out of the FOG.

Check out our Toolbox. Guidance there will sharpen your sense of whether you are potentially in PD land. I encourage you to read a lot, and with a special focus on self healing. We all look forward to seeing you on the boards.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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vijaykumari

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Re: Hello:)
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2020, 06:43:52 PM »
I have five siblings and I've had various problems with every single one of them.  They have features of various PDs.  Over the years I have avoided them for long periods, then gotten back in touch once in a while to see if they have changed.  Especially when I feel stronger, and I want to test the waters.  I've noticed that one of my siblings has changed a lot and seems much more self aware, while the others are pretty much the same.  I think she had a lot of obvious early trauma and it made her try harder and get more therapy.  Anyway my point is people change, but it takes a long time.  And they have to want to change.

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guitarman

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Re: Hello:)
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2020, 07:41:12 PM »
Welcome. You are not alone. I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

Abusers are all about power and control. The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse is where the abuser turns everything around to become the victim. They do this by provoking you to anger or getting upset themselves and crying. Then you may shout back at them. Then they can say that you have abused them. It's a way of switching attention away from their abusive behaviour and onto you. If you do become aggressive towards your sister then she has evidence to show your father how unkind you are towards her so that you will not look good to him. So be aware of that.

I've learnt to not play that game any more. I always stay calm no matter what happens. My sister tries to push all my buttons but I stay calm, don't rise to the bait and ignore her. It's difficult to do at first but becomes easier with practice. Medium Chill and Grey Rock techniques are good to learn.

My sister also gets upset often crying if I dare to challenge her and talk about her abusive behaviour or history. It's a way of controlling me. It's all very immature. Your sister sounds like she is very jealous and insecure.

I've been watching videos by Doctor Ramani on YouTube. She gives advice on coping with narcissists. She recommends never saying "You make me feel..." but rather "I feel...". It's a different way of thinking and talking about things and how to react differently. It takes time to learn different ways of behaving but with time and practice it can work for you.

I also watch videos by Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. Her YouTube channel is "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I make sure to watch her live videos each Sunday.
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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HK

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Re: Hello:)
« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2020, 08:45:42 PM »
Thank you so much. While reading this I thought you knew my sister personally. That situation came up last night with my dad and I became very angry talking about something she had done recently. I thought I had my emotions under control, but did not. I'm going to continue working on myself and seek counseling and therapy for coping methods. My dad told me I have to forgive her. It's hard when she continually does things that provoke me. Time and distance heal. I have to look at this in a way that I can learn and grow from. My dad is a big part of the issue too.