Narc mother dying

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Nathalie87

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Narc mother dying
« on: July 06, 2020, 09:33:55 AM »
Hi all, this is my first post here and I am very grateful for finding this site.
I have only found out my mother is a narcissist -high spectrum in March 2020. I have been trying to come to terms with this since and also to cope with the current situation and her being diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer. She’s been given weeks/ months to live. She was diagnosed in December 2019, she lives on her own and I live in the UK, having moved here 9 years ago. I am 33 years old and I have never lived with my mother. She lives in Europe.
I flew to see her in January 2020 and again in Feb 2020 following her pancreas operation, when we decided that best thing would be for her to come to live with my partner and me in the UK. We arrived in the UK towards the end of February and she stayed with us for almost 5 weeks. The time spent with her here opened my eyes to realise that there is something fundamentally wrong with her and I started looking for answers. This is how I Found lots and lots of information and books for people like her and I realised she is a narcissist. I’ve since read several books for the disorder and also found this site.
Going back to March 2020 when the coronavirus overtook our lives, it was apparent that she could not stay with us and she would’ve not been able to do chemo in the UK. Also, we were having arguments/ issues every day and my partner was very tired of the complaining, remarks etc. She’s never happy and has become even more bitter since diagnosed. One of the last days spent in the UK, I’ve asked her if she loves me and cares for me and she did not answer. She often punishes me with silence and only demands, criticise and constantly complains of me. She tells people that I don’t care About her and I look after my 2 dogs more than I look after her. I am currently trying to come to terms with her behaviour and it really helps that I know about her disorder and get easy access to information about it online or in my books. However, I am currently finding it very hard to cope on day to day basis due to the constant blames and digs from her, saying that she’s been left on her own dying and I am not there. She demands that there is someone to look after her at all times but we have been unable to find such person due to the coronavirus at present. I am constantly on alert and think she’s dying. I have woken up today after another night full of nightmares and the feeling that she’s dead on her own and I am not there. Just to clarify there is no other family involved in the situation as my grandparents are now both dead, my mother does not speak to her sister or other relatives and my dad was helping to start with but then started demanding to be paid and constantly asks her and myself for money. He is a gambler and I have now stopped talking to him as refused to give him any more money 3 weeks ago.
I am unable to understand what makes me so worried, anxious and sad in the current situation. Is it the actual death by itself and why I feel this way for someone who never cared for me and left me with my unstable and immature dad when I was 3 years old? There is a lot of guilt there and I beat myself up thinking that I am not a good daughter and I should do something more in the situation. Any comments, advice will be greatly appreciated. Many thanks Nat

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PeanutButter

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Re: Narc mother dying
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2020, 10:44:56 AM »
Hi there Nathalie87. I deeply empathise with your feelings. Im very sorry for the pain of realizing that your mother has not been there for you in any way. Its seems insulting that she now demands all of this from you.imo Yet you now are faced with the additional grief that she will pass soon and the fear, guilt, and uncertianty of how it will happen?

 :bighug:

You did NOT cause any of this to happen. You cant control your Mom, and you dont have a cure for this disorder, if your mom passes alone it will not be your fault. The universe works in a 'reap as you sow' way imo.

You cant save your mom, but you can save yourself.

On this forum HHaw has been giving this sage advice for some time: "'Resisting acceptance leads to deep suffering... Accept what you can't change...Even if it's not OK, it's ok. You have yourself. You're worthy of radical self compassion, zero judgment, and resting in awareness to see what's underneath this confusing, painful time in your life."'

It deeply resonates with me. I use to resist anything that was painful. I felt I couldn't handle emotional pain. I remember thinking that I couldnt go on living if my reality was that I was abused by my ubpdM and uhpdS.

You deserve to be taken care of also! Each one of us as individuals are obligated to take care of ourselves. That includes emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

It is right, good, and necessary for you to care for your needs, putting them above your mothers, and to stand up for yourself with boundaries to protect you from abuse even now that she is terminally ill. IME

I hope you can feel the support Im attempting to send through this post. If its doesnt make sense to you just diregard it of course.

 Take good care!
« Last Edit: July 06, 2020, 10:46:29 AM by PeanutButter »
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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Nathalie87

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Re: Narc mother dying
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2020, 03:18:16 PM »
Peanut Butter, Thank you for taking time to read my long post and reply. I have decided today that I need some counselling and that professional help may help me in order to get myself out of the guilt trap. I think my biggest issue is that I feel responsible as the relationship between my mother and myself have never been right and the roles have always been reversed. I think your comment is spot on - about the upcoming fear of unknown, death and grief, mixed with the other emotions and current situation that is making me feel so scared and hopeless. I believe that knowledge is our power and I keep reading, however there are some days that I feel low and helpless. I am determined to get the answers and heal, so I will keep going. Thanks again, I have re-read your comment several times today and have made me feel better x

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Narc mother dying
« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2020, 06:19:00 PM »
Hi Nat,

I'm glad you're here but sorry for your need to be here. This group of people understands what it's like to interact with NPD people. It's the most difficult part of my life.

Having my uNPDmother live with me would mean the end of my marriage and the end of my health. When I have any stress from her, it affects my health. Awful stuff to go through. Like you Nat, I've had guilt from my mother since I can remember. It's getting worse as she's getting older too. Is she still living with you? You said five weeks so I'm crossing my fingers that she's moved out!

I think getting counseling is a good idea. It will be helpful to work through all your feelings about her and her illness. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you helped her out. You were never under any obligation to do so but you did it out of the goodness of your heart. You don't have to feel you're obligated to do anymore than that. Get counseling and maybe multiple sessions per week to get you through this stress and anxiety.

Please keep posting here and reading all you can about personality disorders.

 :hug:

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goofycrumble

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Re: Narc mother dying
« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2020, 11:38:41 AM »
I agree with SunnyMeadow, therapy helped me so much  :hug:

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freedom77

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Re: Narc mother dying
« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2020, 07:01:30 PM »
Hi Nathalie87...
I don't have much to offer other than my sympathy and condolences for what you are going through. It has to be deeply painful. You are in a paradox of sorts in that you are on the verge of losing a mother you never really had it seems to me. PDs can be very very demanding, and they seem completely oblivious to competing situations, even their own imminent death.

I second the idea of therapy. And I hope you will find peace and closure soon.

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Nathalie87

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Re: Narc mother dying
« Reply #6 on: July 08, 2020, 02:06:47 PM »
Thanks to all of you lovely people who took time to read my long post and replied. I was busy yesterday and after work I had my initial appointment with an integrative psycho-therapeutic counsellor. It went really well. I am starting therapy next week and I will have 6 sessions to start with. However, having heard my story, the lady advised I would probably need more. SunnyMeadow, I will ask her next week if I can do more than 1 session a week. This might be a good idea. :) I have been thinking about therapy for some time now. I am very grateful to my loving partner, who’s helped me so much through the years, he has a big heart and lots and lots of patience. He has also no experience with PD as he was raised in a normal family and his mother was a lovely person. Sadly, we lost her to cancer in 2018 after 7 years battle.
I want to give you all some background to my story, which I think will get the situation a bit clearer. SunnyMeadow, my mother stayed with us 5 weeks and when the corona virus started going serious in the UK and the hospital staff advised that she might not be able to start treatment as soon as we hoped, she decided that it’s best for her to go back home. This decision came at the right time as my partner and I were already at the edge and were thinking about options moving forward. I totally understand what you mean about your life and marriage getting destroyed if your mum stays with you. Similar thing here as my partner was so shocked and unable to accept her behaviour, which caused frictions and daily discussions between us. I think the way I feel now and the dips of very low/ tearful/ depressed state come as a mixture to my lifetime expectations, the realisation that nothing is to change and the fact that she is going to die soon. I have always known that there is something wrong with my parents and they have always been very immature and irresponsible. My mum left me when I was 3 y old in the care of my dad, after 4 years of terrible marriage. My dad did not look after me either, as he left to work in the capital no longer after that and he has always been a womaniser, immature and very unrealised person. He is also a gambler and has been for 20+ years now. His addiction is so bad that makes him ask relatives and friends for money and of course he never pays back. This is a taboo topic in my dad’s family as everybody knows what he is like and no one dares to say anything. I guess we (including myself) feel intimidated by his size, anger issues and way he reacts to criticism. There is something fundamentally wrong with him as well. Anybody any suggestions?
Finding out that my mother has NPD was something that have really helped me to explain her behaviour and I guess I can call myself Lucky as I was raised by my 2 grandmothers. Especially my mum’s mother, who loved me dearly and devoted her life to me since mum left. She was my saviour and I miss her dearly, she passed away 4 years ago from cancer at 77 y of age. My nan was very gentle, kind and very loving person. She was a doctor by profession and a warm/ loving housewife by heart. She loved staying at home cooking, reading, looking after me and my grandad, helping with homework etc. Please note my mother's influence and financial help was always present through my childhood, however it was always in distance as it was over the phone at most times, I used to see her once-twice a year. This was enough to cause damage. I had really strong relationship with my nan and I guess this is the reason I grew up with normal values, understanding of life, morals etc. I dare to think what could have happened to me if I were left with my parents. My nan’s passing was the lowest point in my life, and I could not cope for years. My partner’s love and understanding helped me through. This very sad period has showed me again that my mother was so heartless and there is no such feelings as love, care or empathy in her at all. She hardly mentions my nan since her passing, never called me during that period to check with me and how I was coping and on the day after my nans funeral, my mother said to me - ‘stop crying, you should be glad that your parents are still alive!’ I need to mention here that during all my life until the death of my nan, I was told and made to believe that my mother was a victim of the circumstances and that she had no choice but to leave me. Her actions were always justified by my grandmother and she was always begging me to forgive her and be nice to her, which I have tried for all my life. I now realise that my grandmother was covering for all the bad traits and she also probably knew about my mother’s NPD. My grandmother cried loads for my mother and always begged her to come home, which she never did. Despite me knowing there was something really wrong with mum from young age and her behaviour over the years, I have always had the belief that one day she will turn to me and say that she’s sorry for all the pain she has caused and would try to amend things, however I know now that this is never going to happen. When she was here in March 2020 (btw 9 years she refused to come to see me in the UK because she believed this is was a wrong step I have taken 9 years ago and my partner is not good enough because he has children from previous relationship, although both of them are now grown up and not living with us), so when she came here for first time in 9 years, already diagnosed with cancer and knowing she’s dying, she showed no feelings, had nothing good to say to me/ us and never showed any remorse or expressed she is sorry for missing on the last 9 years’ time spent with her daughter. She also showed no appreciation for us having her here and furthermore when in an argument I asked her if she ever loved me or cared for me, she kept silence. When asked her why she felt this sense of entitlement, she stated that as her daughter it was my responsibility to look after her. Ever since then she repeats this to me almost on daily basis, as I speak to her each day (I guess this is the guilt trap I am in and talking to her for 15 min a day gives me some peace). I am telling all this in a detail, because I want to help to any daughters out there, who may like me think that because your NPD mother is dying she would turn to you and be nice or make some efforts towards you or may show some empathy. Please know this is not going to happen! Although, I have no advice for anyone as I am new to all this as I only found out she has NPD in March 2020, I am happy to share any of my experience in order to help others. I can only hope now that my upcoming therapy will help me to move forward strong and find some peace and closure. Wish you all good health and peace in mind, thank you for reading, love Nat.   :hug:

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Maxtrem

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Re: Narc mother dying
« Reply #7 on: July 08, 2020, 03:05:30 PM »
Hi, Natalie87, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I didn't experience this personally, but my cousin seems to have experienced something similar. Her father was obviously a narc and also a scumbag of the worst kind. My cousin even once said that she didn't even like her father. He died this year of cancer and of course he did everything he could to show that he was a poor suffering victim. As a result, after his death, he leaves his entourage in the FOG. My cousin feels guilty, wonders what more she could have done, why she was NC with him, he was not able to see his grandchildren, etc.

Another of my uncles (on my father's side, he didn't have PD) died of the same cancer a little earlier. Today, those around him don't feel any feelings related to FOG, we just miss him! My uncle didn't want his family and friends to have to take care of him during his cancer. I even learned that he pretended to accept death to make it easier for those around him. In reality, he thought it was unfair to die so young. My father spent his days with him at the hospital and he was very grateful. In short, this man made this ordeal the easiest for those around him, while my uncle Narc. did the opposite.   

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Narc mother dying
« Reply #8 on: July 08, 2020, 08:47:42 PM »
I just read your update.  :sad2: You've been through so much with your mother. But thank goodness for your Nan!

You asked for suggestions about your dad. After reading about him I say, stick to a very basic, cordial and limited relationship (if any at all).

As for your mom saying it's YOUR responsibility to look after her because you're her daughter?! Absolutely NOT! I have close and loving relationships with my children and it's not their responsibility at all to care for me. No way. It was my responsibility to care for them since I decided to bring them into this world. You didn't decide to bring your mother, an adult into your life and there is no obligation on your part. I wonder if it might help you not to talk to her everyday. You don't have to but if it helps you then that's different. But I would kick that idea around. Maybe daily contact is too much.

You are a dear, sweet daughter and I'm sad you're having all this turmoil. I'm a 50+ year old mom and I'd love to give you a big hug and a long conversation if we were to meet in person. 

 :bighug:

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PeanutButter

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Re: Narc mother dying
« Reply #9 on: July 09, 2020, 09:54:14 AM »
Thanks for sharing so much detail of your life story. I really appreciate that.
  I want you to know that I think your mother has a skewed perception about what a family is. Although she physically abandoned her own daughter to her M's care she now feels entitled to demand that daughter be obligated to take care of her? This imo definately sounds like delusions of entitlement, grandiosity/omnipotence, and etc.
 
 I hope you can work through the difference between who you really are (your authentic voice) and the role (identity) foo put you in. You do not have to accept the narrative any longer that you must forgive and now care of your M since Nan is gone.

 That is not what determines your value or worth. You are a good person. Even if you cant be to your M what a daughter who had an unconditionally loving M might be to her dying M, that doesnt mean that you have failed or are less than or not a good daughter. Your M sowed this non relationship / coldness /uncaring attitude with zero remorse so now she reaps that you are having a very normal emotions and reactions to being done that way.

If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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Nathalie87

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Re: Narc mother dying
« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2020, 07:41:05 AM »
Morning everyone  :wave: thank you for your replies. Maxtrem, this is a good point raised and exactly what narcissists do - play the victim in front of everyone and demand, demand. I remember when I went home in 2018, my nan was already passed and mother was on her own, demanding and complaining again. She then said in front of her best friend, ( I was present also)she said: look at my daughter she takes no responsibility for anything here. At the time she made a dig that I live in the UK and complained about herself and the house as mother lives in a big house on her own and constantly complains she cannot cope. I can only imagine what she says about me now to all her friends but at least I have some peace, thinking I tried and took her here. And I tried with a good heart, she stayed with us and I hoped she can be helped. Also, I hoped she can see what damages she’s caused and be nice, but this didn’t happen. Sunny Meadow and Peanut Butter, thanks for your supporting replies, I like re-reading them and repeat in my mind. Sunny Meadow, my mother is 53 y old, I wish she was nice and kind as you are  :bighug:
I will keep you posted and update you on my therapy progress. I’m blessed I found this space, hugs Nat x