On the brink of divorce and I'm grasping at straws.

[graspingatstraws]

Summary: I'm 33 y.o. male and my wife of 28 y.o. has only recently been diagnosed with BPD while attending couples therapy, after years of different issues and changing diagnoses. She decided to drop couples counselling shortly after and now she wants to proceed with a divorce - claiming that she loves me and that we may be together one day, but at the same time 'she cannot return to the relationship that she is still in'. I miss her dearly and I'm grasping at straws in hope to rebuild what we've once had.

Relationship history:
March 2014 - We met online and exchanged e-mails for about a month (I was abroad at the time)
April 2014 - We met IRL and started dating right away; I've been blown away by how good it all was; at the same time, early on I've been made aware of a history of abuse she experienced (she was raped at the age of 15) and the panic attacks she was experiencing from time to time because of that;
May 2014 - She told me she's pondering moving to another city and she needs a sign of commitment (i.e. moving in together) to stay. We've decided to move in together after she comes back from a trip to Australia.
Mid-May 2014 to early July 2014 - she went on a trip to Australia, once again we were exchanging e-mails and talking on Skype every day;
July 2014 - we have moved in together; in late July I have proposed to her and she accepted - we knew it will take time before we could become fully independent, but the plans of living (and growing old) together have repeatedly made their way into our conversations during her time in Australia

October 2014 - while I was away at a conference overnight, she had her first binge-and-purge incident in years - it was about that time that I was made aware of the history of eating disorders she had as a response to the abuse
October 2014 to January 2015 - her condition quickly deteriorated; bulimic episodes were accompanied by self-harm (cutting), and one of the latter were classified as suicide attempt at a hospital
February 2015 to June 2016 - stabilized on antidepressants, her condition gradually improved; the difficult times were behind us (or so we have thought); we were even more in love with each other than in the beginning, now aware that together we can handle pretty much anything the world throws at us.
July 2016 - she started experiencing some psychotic symptoms (hearing voices) and she checked into a hospital for a month
August 2016 to November 2016 - with a change in medication (now including anti-psychotic drugs) she was now once again stable and the things were back to how they were for the previous 1,5 year
December 2016 - with some eating disorder symptoms popping back, she decided to go into a rehab facility focused on ED treatment; she said she wanted to finally take care of the issue before we are going to get married;
January 2017-summer of 2017 - with the ED in check, we resumed working on our plans, things were improving once again
Summer of 2017: we got married in late August of 2017, renovating our flat from the ground up between June and October; we moved in while it was still WIP in September 2017;
September 2017 - November 2018 - easily the best time of my life; we got along great, spent plenty of time together, our financial situation and our careers were moving really well along with our relationship; we actually considered being married as better than anything that happened earlier on, during the dating/engangement/living together stages

November 2018 - one night she went out with with some new friends and forgot her key; I didn't hear the doorbell when she came back - and only in the morning I have found out that she went back to a friend's place and was raped by him
December 2018 - she told me that she cheated on me with the man who raped her after attempting to confront him about what he did; she felt as she betrayed me and wanted to move out at the time
January 2019-February 2020 - the assault kept haunting her, she was easily startled and became aggresive at times; she tried going to various therapists, but kept on changing/dropping them; as I found out later, she was acting out sexually during that time, several ONS with men, one prolonged affair with a woman;

Final months, therapy, break-up:
February 2020-March 2020 - she said she wanted a divorce, but I convinced her that we should try a couples counselling; one day in February she told me about the cheating/acting out and, a day before we were to start counselling, she sent me a text saying that she will come back in the morning and that she's sorry; I got furious and replied that if she won't come back home for the night, I want her to pack her bags the next day. She moved out but we've decided to still try counselling, even though it was pushed back because of the pandemic; after about two weeks of no contact we've started seeing each other, almost dating once again and reminiscing of the good times we've had. In late April we've started couples therapy, though the day before it started she told be she wants a divorce once again;

For the last two months it seemed like things were improving - we were getting closer with each session, working through some past issues nad contacting each other on the daily basis; she kept telling me that she misses me but when asked to come back, she said she was afraid to do so. It was the therapist who was meeting with the both of us that asked me if I know something about the BPD and if I ever considered my wife to be a pwBPD. I started to read up on BPD and plenty of what I read fit situations that I haven't understood before (e.g. her claiming that I 'understand her too well' or a tendency to extend her depression episodes over our whole time together, and then the time after the rape to be the 'good' times.

Two weeks ago we had a breakthrough moment at a therapy session and an amazing sex shortly after that. Later that day she came back, said she wanted a divorce, then retracted that in the evening and said that she was overwhelmed with what happened between us and wanted to protect herself by discarding me; We kept in touch for several days after that, then she got cold and distant once again about a week ago. Yesterday during the couples therapy she said that she hasn't changed her decision and that while she loves me, she's not able to go back to the relationship now and she wants a divorce. The plan right now is to have two quiet weeks to sort out various stuff and then meet to discuss the formal issues and proceed with the divorce.

The mixed messages of the past several weeks is something I'm struggling with in particular. She kept saying things like 'I love you, but I want to leave you', 'this may be the worst decision in my life, but I have to leave'. I'm terribly confused. I'm caving in when it comes to the divorce, but I still hope that we can somehow get back and work through the issues rather than discarding the relationship altogether (this is also a pattern I've seen for the last couple of years as she was rapidly changing her interests, career plans, even friends as soon as something went wrong in any of these areas).

[hhaw]

gas:

I'm sorry you're suffering, but relieved there are no children involved.

Whatever happens, please consider continued therapy for yourself.  It sounds like you've experienced a good deal of trauma during your marriage.  Rhetorical question....was there trauma in your childhood?  Even perceived trauma is still trauma in our brain and affect on processing.

Your wife has shown you who she is.  I hope you can accept and believe that truth.   

We can't save people from themselves, though we try.  You can't save her, particularly when she's specifically rejecting your help.

What you can do is figure out why you're in this relationship, and feel you should stay in it.

I'm not judging.  I' m suggesting dropping all judgments around it and looking at it with curiosity....to see what's underneath.

Saving yourself is an imperative, IME.  Even if it feels wrong or bad letting her go. 

Resisting acceptance leads to deep suffering, IME.  Accept what you can't change.  Stop trying to fix things you can't.

Even if it's not OK, it's ok.  You have yourself.  You're worthy of radical self compassion, zero judgment, and resting in awareness to see what's underneath this confusing, painful time in your life.

If your therapist isn't an informed trauma therapist, utilizing EMDR, you might find one who is,  very helpful.

I wish you the best possible outcome,

[graspingatstraws]

Thank you for your kind reply! My therapist doesn't focus specifically on trauma in her work, but I found the therapy process quite helpful nevertheless.

I do have some difficult childhood experiences (mainly because of how my mother really wanted a child and the father only agreed to having me under a condition that she would pay any child-related expenses) and I'm aware how they may influence my perspective (I consider any relationship, no matter how difficult, worth fixing and find it difficult to walk away even if, as in the year following the recent rape, there's some abusive language and behaviours bordering on DV).

[sad_dog_mommy]

Hi!

I am so glad you found this support board!    I too hoped and prayed that things would 'go back' to the wonderful connection/life we had at the beginning.   Now that I am 'Out of the FOG' I can see the person he portrayed himself to be was fiction.  It was all an act.   Over time I came to see the 'real' man who was deeply insecure, mentally unstable and incapable of honesty.  I was also about to see a 'red flag' when he tried to manipulate me.  In fact, when I was able to see his (pathetic) behavior without the FOG it made life so much easier.

We were together almost 10 years.  Around the 5th year he was involuntarily hospitalized for threatening to commit suicide.  During that 72 hour mandatory hold I received a phone call from a social worker who worked at the mental hospital.  She informed me the doctor who was treating him had diagnosed him as having a borderline personality disorder.   I heard those words and thought to myself that he could get some medication to treat it.  I had NO IDEA what BPD was until a couple of years later when I did a Google search about some of his behaviors and I stumbled across this support page!  FYI there is no medication to treat this condition.

The more I learned about this (devastating) personality disorder the more I found strength to get myself out of the situation.  I had to work on my self-esteem because he had decimated it.  I had to work on a secret plan to get him out of my home because he was a super snoop who went through my phone, computer and ipad.  I had to accept the fact that I was co-dependent and after all the things I had done for him; he was never going to get 'better'.  I also had to swallow the bitter pill that in addition to being emotionally and verbally abused I was also financially abused.

Read as much as you can about this disorder.   Read the posts on the different message boards like chosen relationships and separating and divorcing.   I am sure you will find a story or 2 that you can relate to.   I know I did.   All of our stories have the same fairytale beginning because they love-bomb us into believing they are THE ONE.

You are not alone.   You can get past this pain and you can be happy again. 

[PeanutButter]

I just want to add a warmest of welcomes to you!
Im so sorry for the pain, confusion, and aloneness you are experiencing.
I was with an unpd for 13 years. He left me over and over and over. I always took him back. He cheated on me repeatedly. He always lied about it. Sometimes he made fake confessions of the 'truth' but always continued to lie. He had 2 children by other women while he was with me.
You deserve loyalty, faithfulness, and security in your marriage.
You deserve to be loved as much as you love!
Please take care of yourself. You are worthy.

[GettingOOTF]

Welcome. I'm sorry for what brings you here. I was married to someone diagnosed with BPD. After learning about the condition and taking a long hard look at where I was and where I wanted to be I decided to leave the marriage. It was not an easy decision so I totally get your ambivalence. I left more than once before it finally stuck.

I left and worked on my own issues that attracted me to him in the first place and that kept me stuck in the marriage.

I always recommend Codependent No More to people in these relationships. It was eye opening to me and really helped me turn my life around.  For me I came to see that there are some relationships that aren't worth fixing. Others decide to stay and ride it out. You will find many perspectives on these boards.

There are plenty of people out there to have "amazing" sex with. It's been my experience that almost all sex with someone who doesn't have a PD is amazing. It's no reason to stay and fight for a relationship in my view.

More importantly your wife has said she wants a divorce and on more than one occasion. I gently suggest looking at what is keeping you from honoring this.

I hope you find the support you are looking for. We all deserve love and happiness, but sometimes we have to do things we strongly resist to get them.

[graspingatstraws]

>There are plenty of people out there to have "amazing" sex with. It's been my experience that almost all sex with someone who doesn't have a PD is amazing. It's no reason to stay and fight for a relationship in my view.

I agree, but it's not my reason to fight for this relationship. I've mentioned the situation because of how it fits with the BPD - the sex wasn't 'amazing' in 'technical' terms, I refer more to the level of intimacy and vulnerability experienced. In fact she said that's also why it made her want to distance herself then - that she was overwhelmed with the intimacy and it made her want to leave me again.

>More importantly your wife has said she wants a divorce and on more than one occasion. I gently suggest looking at what is keeping you from honoring this.

Mainly the fact that she wants to leave whenever we get really close or start successfully working on our issues, it's a very consistent pattern. It'd be easier to accept if she responded to some wrongdoing on my part rather than the whole mixed "I love you, I have to leave" or "you understand me too well for us to be together" (her exact words) thing.

[1footouttadefog]

The whole mixed up messages is what she is.  You story reads like a textbook description of BPD.

I noticed your statement to the effect you value the relationship enough to fix it and stay in it.

Two thoughts there. She does not agree.  You cannot fix it.

She has shown you her truth.  Her actions and words have repeatedly shown you.

Base all your decisions on logic and the facts at hand.  Accept the truth.  Base them on reality not what should have, could have or would have been. 

[GettingOOTF]

You cannot fix her. This is who she is. You can leave or you can learn to accept her for who she is. These are the only two options.  I have been where you are. I know the messages seem "mixed" but when I look back on my marriage I see that they were very clear all along. He told me who he was and what he wanted. I chose to believe he was wrong about what he wanted and that I could make him and us better. He was a classic BPD and I was a classic codependent.

It's a different level of living, and loving, when you are with someone who when they start to get closer actually lean in to it, embrace it instead of pushing you away.

As I said earlier I chose to leave, others choose to stay. There is a lot of information here on setting boundaries which are necessary in every relationship but particularly in a PD relationship. Regardless I found that the most important aspect was working myself and my issues, both when I decided to stay and when I finally decided to leave. We cannot do the work for others only for ourselves.

[heron]

Thank you for your kind reply! My therapist doesn't focus specifically on trauma in her work, but I found the therapy process quite helpful nevertheless.

I do have some difficult childhood experiences (mainly because of how my mother really wanted a child and the father only agreed to having me under a condition that she would pay any child-related expenses) and I'm aware how they may influence my perspective (I consider any relationship, no matter how difficult, worth fixing and find it difficult to walk away even if, as in the year following the recent rape, there's some abusive language and behaviours bordering on DV).

Good on you for sharing this. It worries me that you have a tough time walking away from a relationship, and it feels like it fits in with you being in this relationship even with these huge problems.

In retrospect I'm sure you can see a lot of red flags, like proposing in 4 months. Also looking at your narrative, notice how the "good" times seem pretty rare - months out of the years. Most of the time is chaos and serious problems. I've learned the hard way that it doesn't work to be in a relationship that is bad in the moment, for years at a time, hoping it will get better. It rarely does. What you had is what you will most likely have in the future.

It sounds like she is really suffering from her condition, it is hurting her body and mind and soul in a whole variety of ways. That's tragic, but you didn't cause her condition, you can't control it, you can't fix it, and you have no obligation to suffer alongside her. The degree of challenge that she has sounds like something only a saint could live with.

[graspingatstraws]

Thank you for your kind reply! My therapist doesn't focus specifically on trauma in her work, but I found the therapy process quite helpful nevertheless.

I do have some difficult childhood experiences (mainly because of how my mother really wanted a child and the father only agreed to having me under a condition that she would pay any child-related expenses) and I'm aware how they may influence my perspective (I consider any relationship, no matter how difficult, worth fixing and find it difficult to walk away even if, as in the year following the recent rape, there's some abusive language and behaviours bordering on DV).

Good on you for sharing this. It worries me that you have a tough time walking away from a relationship, and it feels like it fits in with you being in this relationship even with these huge problems.

In retrospect I'm sure you can see a lot of red flags, like proposing in 4 months. Also looking at your narrative, notice how the "good" times seem pretty rare - months out of the years. Most of the time is chaos and serious problems. I've learned the hard way that it doesn't work to be in a relationship that is bad in the moment, for years at a time, hoping it will get better. It rarely does. What you had is what you will most likely have in the future.

It sounds like she is really suffering from her condition, it is hurting her body and mind and soul in a whole variety of ways. That's tragic, but you didn't cause her condition, you can't control it, you can't fix it, and you have no obligation to suffer alongside her. The degree of challenge that she has sounds like something only a saint could live with.

I know that I have some inclinations to be a 'fixer'/'savior' and that it's unhealthy for me. With that in mind, I wouldn't say the good times were more rare than the bad ones - it was fairly even though the "50% bad" is also a pretty bad record.
It would be much easier for me to walk away if she was just this mischievous, malignant person - it's much harder to do so when I've seen how kind and caring she can be and how much she has changed due to the trauma.
That said, I know that we cannot be together right now - and quite likely, ever. Still, I've seen how therapy has brought her back before, when she was diagnosed 'just' with depression and ED - and seeing how well can schema therapy work firsthand recently, it's hard for me to let go of hope for her improvement and our reconciliation.