How do you deal with someone's superiority kick?

[Samuel S.]

I have come up with some observations about my wife who is on her superiority kick.  Everything has to be her way. She has to be considered the best. When someone or something doesn't go her way, well, she will rationalize it completely so that it is all about her. For example, a manager that she works for wanted to have some days off in a row. Mind you, he has been very flexible with her when it comes to her studies and with her schooling. So, she agreed to switch her days of work to be flexible with him. Then, she came home to complain about him, even though she is still going to work the same amount of hours during the week.

Another example is yesterday. We had a plumbing issue. She had to work, and I cancelled my only tutoring appointment of the day so that I could be available whenever the plumber could come over. So, the plumber took care of the issue, and I paid for the cost of it all. She did offer to pay for half of it, but I have enough money for it. I thanked her for the offer, but I just paid it all, and she thanked me. In the same breath, since I just was about to finish with a 5 day heart monitor test and since I will be returning it today to the cardiologist, she started on her superiority kick, saying that she and her daughter are much better at being health conscious than I am, etc., etc. I just listened, and when she was done, I said I am thankful that they are and that I do the best I can. Yet, she just wanted to have the last word and said she was better.

Her better, superiority kick has always been prevalent. She has the better career, and she told me I chose the wrong profession, that is, to be a teacher. She did better in therapy than I did. She did better in exercising than I did.

To kind of lessen her superiority kick she has had, she has said that she will devote more time to our relationship when she finishes her doctorate program sometime this year. Nevertheless, she has said she needs to devote more hours to her continuing education credits for her degree. So, that means more time away from our relationship.

Well, you get the idea. She claims to be superior while I am inferior. On the other hand, I don't feel inferior or superior. I just want to be an equal partner where we can respect and love each other.

To top it all off, my wife's daughter is following in her mother's footsteps, sad to say, but I can see how that can happen.

So, how do you deal with someone's superiority kick?

[losingmyself]

I always feel that when my H has to point out to me that he's better than me, that he's actually feeling the opposite. Projection...
Because if you actually are better, then you don't need to say it out loud.
Also, I am hoping for good results from your heart monitor test

[PeanutButter]

I dont have that situation in my life now.

My ubpdM was like this. Harshly critical and heavily judgemental. She knew the right way, the best way, and she was doing it but others weren't, shame on them 

I guess ideally if I were to be in close proximity to her at this point I would try to see it for what it is: A very disturbed womans opinion. Her mind is not sharp. It is filled with unhealthy thought patterns that cause cycles of severe emotional disregulation. The emotional disregulation causes reactivity (or fight or flight) which chemically disconnects her from the reasoning part of her brain. So especially if she is upset when she is saying I am inferior then I would know that it is a symtom/trait of her disorder. It wont mean anything to me. I dont care what she thinks.

Blog "Family systems wisdom states over-closeness is experienced in two ways, enmeshment and distance. Both are the result of over-closeness."
https://www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/post/married-couples-don-t-drift-apart-they-drift-together-that-s-the-problem

I highly recommend jerry wise on you tube. 16 Traits of Spouses of a Narcissists - Explains how SON (spouses of narcissists) can reduce the trauma in a relationship with the self absorbed
https://youtu.be/fz4XMBEZL5I

His coaching/counseling is based on Murray Bowen Family Systems Theory which has helped me leap forward in emotional intelligence. It empowered me to focus on my role, my part, and becoming a more authentic person instead of accepting the identity my abusers projected onto me.

[Bowsy26]

I'm happy for you that you are starting to see into her behavior.  Losingmyself is right, IMHO, that this is projection.  Keeping this in mind while they are going on about their superiority can help keep you grounded.  BTW, having a an electrical issue in your heart isn't a matter of not having taken care of yourself.  They are commonly congenital, meaning you were born with it.  Poor eating habits don't cause electrical issues.  Been there, done that myself. 

My H is backhanded with his superiority by feigning humility.  People who don't know him think its sweet.  I, on the other hand, have been told that I am fat (fat people are unloveable), a piece of shit (I was arguing for my being a human being but that never won), financially worthless (nothing I made counted despite my making more per hour - he took a lot of OT), etc.  Turning that around to projection has been helpful. 

Good luck on your monitor results.  I hope they have something definitive.  I had an implanted monitor for a couple of years - at first to diagnose and then after my surgeries to continue to monitor my rhythms.   Hopefully the external monitor will get you where you need to be for treatment. 

[blacksheep7]

I always feel that when my H has to point out to me that he's better than me, that he's actually feeling the opposite. Projection...
Because if you actually are better, then you don't need to say it out loud.
Also, I am hoping for good results from your heart monitor test

Exactly,

Two of my exs,  unfortunately they were insecure, had to prove to others that they were worthy.  They came from dysfunctional families.  Of course that is what I attracted because I came from the same background.

Mentally healthy adults do not have the need to express it.

It is also very insulting, words that sting.   I just thought that maybe she feels competitive with you, is that possible?