New and need input. PD girlfriend w/kids

[Iamjohanvinter]

A little background first. Please entertain me here.

Me - I am recently divorced, less than two years. I took a lot of bad away from that and spent time in therapy. I have always suffered from anxiety and the occasional bout of depression but have developed tools to help me manage. Prior to my current relationship I had no kids and was actually told that it was unlikely I ever would.

Her - Also recently divorced, less than 3 years. Has a 6 year old son with ex husband. Both are actively involved in child's life and communicate with each other well. Told me shortly into the relationship that she was BP. She lost a child at the age of three almost 10 years ago. Lost her father shortly after that. Was in several reportedly emotionally abusive relationships prior to meeting me.

Situation - I had recently got out on the dating scene when her and I met. We really clicked and had a lot of fun together. Her son who has his own personality disorder was a difficult hurdle for me but I worked and am still working on that. We'd been together for 6 months when she flew home across the country for a few weeks so she and her son could see her family. While she was there she went to a party and the next day admitted to me that she had used drugs which is a huge problem for me. Shortly after she got home things went sideways really quickly. In the span of a month we found out she was pregnant, we started talking about getting married (yes I know) and she made an accusation that I had cheated on her while she was gone (I had not.) The next six months were full of ups and downs, I seem to remember more downs though. I sold the house that my ex and I owned and bought a new one. The complaints about getting the house move in and child ready flowed freely. I quite frankly felt trapped because of the baby situation and the fact that I do legitimately love her. I burned myself out to accommodate her. Keep in mind that she is the one that found this house and encouraged me to buy it. The holidays come and she dwells deeply on her father and lost child and I do my best to comfort her. She is hospitalized for illness and I drop everything to tend to her child that has particular needs. She threatens on and off to have an abortion.

Finally the baby is born. I'm terrified and overjoyed. I'm sure that's normal. We all move into the house that isn't completely finished but is definitely comfortable. New appliances and furnishings. I'm quite proud of what I've put together. I spend all my time outside of work with the baby so she can have her time.

Last month things escalated beyond the normal depression. After the accusation of infidelity happened we never talked about getting married again. She would continue to Lord it over my head during her bad days despite my continued denial and proof to the contrary. One weekend she asked me if we were "even still engaged," and I replied no I guess we're not because we'd never talked about it. She fell off completely and spend the rest of the weekend in the dumps despite me trying to engage her on the topic and talk about it. Monday I get angry phone calls and text messages about me not valuing her. I get home and every letter I wrote her over the last year and demanded I read them. She then rips them down, tears them up, grabs her keepsake box, grabs the dried flowers from our first date, tells me she hates me, and proceeds to burn all of it. She says she's going to move into her son's room. I'm done at this point. I demand to know why she is ruining our family. Why is she doing this to the baby. I plead with her not to take the baby away. When it's obvious she isn't coming down I go pack a bag and tell her that I need her to find living arrangements and that she needs to be out of my house in 4 weeks (she does not pay rent) and that I'll be staying with my parents. I get out to the car and her son comes running out. "Mommy is crying. She says not to go. She wants to talk to you. I go back in the house. She's come down. We talk rationally. Within a week things are normal again.

Yesterday was a good day. I made her favorite breakfast. Took care of the baby all morning so she could sleep in. Lots of honey-do items ticked off the list. Today, and this seems to sync with her cycle but I'm not sure. Hides under the covers from me when I try to kiss her goodbye. I know she's having a bad day already. I get to work and she's back at the "I'm devaluing her." Not having the future she wants. Her wanting her own place. Etc. And her sarcastically stating over and over that "I'll try to be better."

If it weren't for the baby this would be done. I have a large group of people who question the parentage. I don't want the broken home/child support situation. I see how that goes with the older kid. I dote constantly on them both. She says she is BP. I and other suspect that there may be BPD as well.

Read my story. Please weigh in. I am lost and confused. I feel weak and manipulated. I will elaborate further if there are questions.

[notrightinthehead]

Oh gosh! I am so sorry that you are in such a situation. Do you know the book 'Stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist' by Fijelstad? If not, I strongly recommend reading it, learning the tools by heart, and apply, apply, apply. You might also want to think about  joining a CoDA group. There is a lot of information for you but this is a start. You are a father now. It is of high importance that you keep yourself emotionally healthy for your baby. Your baby deserves a rational, loving, stable parent. Get all the help you can.

[blacksheep7]

Hi,

Oh my.  Sorry you are going through this.

I second NRITH as you need to educate yourself on BPD, to read the book and yes, join a CoDa group.   It has done wonders for me in the past.

Congrats on your newborn.

[PeanutButter]

My gosh what a heartwrenching delima. Im sorry about all of it. 

I understand the false accusations. I experienced those too when I was completely innoccent. I eventually found out that he(unpdxH) was the one cheating. My current H also experienced this with a pd ex spouse. She was constantly accusing him, he was being fauthful but she was the one cheating. Im sure this isnt always the case. But because of my life experiences it is the first thing I think of.

Now I know about projection it reinforcees that belief.
Projection:"becomes malignant when it involves attribution of the Personality Disordered individuals own actions, words, blame, fault, hatred, liability or flawed character onto another. This is especially the case when the Projection then becomes justification for some form of punishment or abuse".https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/projection

The top 100 traits of personality disorders is a great place to start reading imo. https://outofthefog.website/traits
It gave me the ability to identify and name what I was experiencing.

Then the what not to do section  https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do helped me identify some of the ways I was reacting to the pd behavior that I wanted to stop doing.

Im so glad that you have joined the forum.

[1footouttadefog]

Mybsuspisionnwoukd nebthstnshe chested and got pregnant when out of town. She admitted to the "lesser" crime of doing drugs and is projecting on you about cheating to keep you off balance. She may even have convinced herself that everyone cheated or cheats and that you are even as a result.

Perhaps a paternity test would be of use. 

[eyesopen]

My suspicion would be that she cheated and got pregnant when out of town. She admitted to the "lesser" crime of doing drugs and is projecting on you about cheating to keep you off balance. She may even have convinced herself that everyone cheated or cheats and that you are even as a result.

Perhaps a paternity test would be of use.

Exactly what I was thinking. The accusations of cheating could very likely be her projecting, making you defend and doubt yourself while she's the one who is guilty. I'd put money on it. A lot of money.

Get a paternity test. Seriously. You said that if it weren't for the baby, then you'd be done. If it's not your baby, why put yourself through all this? And if it is your baby, then at least you'd know for sure and can make future choices accordingly.

[Concerned One]

100% agree with the above about getting paternity test.

I had a 'partner' who constantly accused me of cheating. Guess who turned out to be the cheater? Not me.

[blacksheep7]

100% agree with the above about getting paternity test.

I had a 'partner' who constantly accused me of cheating. Guess who turned out to be the cheater? Not me.

Same here, he was the one who always cheated his gfs.   

This is the classic case of projection.