Another New Member...trying to figure out my situation

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ToAudrey

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Another New Member...trying to figure out my situation
« on: July 06, 2020, 10:07:50 PM »
Hello. Not entirely sure if my situation fits here or not as my OH has no diagnosis. Perhaps they  just are exhibiting bad behavior and Iím fed up.

Both in 40ís, married under ten years, one child.

Not even sure when it started but they exhibit self absorption, seeks out arguments with others, anger issues, substance use (maybe not abuse, I canít tell), outbursts where they say terrible things about me, tell me to speak up for myself but when I have they break everything down like Iím unreasonable and twists what I say. They have cut out several friends since we met. Routinely cuts off their sibling. During a trip before quarantine they had screaming matches with their whole family at some point. Recently again have cut them off. It is always that the other person is terrible for not seeing things their way.

As I mentioned there is no diagnosis (they refuse to seek out someone to speak to) but some of the lower range NPD things I read seem similar to what I experience. Twisting of things I say when I explain myself in an argument, doesnít seem to listen to things I say but responds to something else entirely, goes on about how much better they are than those they argue with, starting to see subtle put downs about things I am sensitive about.

I donít have a way out right now and guess Iím here to read and learn and help myself cope with whatever is going on. 

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Bloomie

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Re: Another New Member...trying to figure out my situation
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2020, 10:41:50 PM »
Hi there and welcome to OOTF. I am sorry things are so difficult and glad you joined the community for support and strategies for handling the difficulties in your relationship.

We mainly focus on behaviors here, especially when most of our loved ones do not have a formal diagnosis. That is where the toolbox and Personality Disorders dropdown menu above can come in real handy. Take a good look around and check out the resources and book recommendations and gather wisdom from the members' insights found on the forum boards.

I look forward to supporting you and will see you out there on the boards!
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸

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ToAudrey

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Re: Another New Member...trying to figure out my situation
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2020, 11:14:13 PM »
Thank you for the warm welcome. The JADE section of the toolbox resonates a great deal as thinking to these outbursts I do default to explaining and defending myself. The more Iíve done that the most things twist and now I see why. I think Iíll go over to the Chosen Relationships area as that seems to be the best fit for now. Very appreciative to have found OOTF. As I imagine it has for many, the ongoing close quarters of the pandemic has made life so much harder to put up with the behaviors.

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NeedSupport

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Re: Another New Member...trying to figure out my situation
« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2020, 10:43:47 AM »
Hi Audrey! Welcome.   :wave: I wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone on this forum regarding un-diagnosed significant others.  I am in the same situation with my girlfriend of 3 years.  It took me about 2.5 years to start putting the pieces together and realizing there is an extremely high probability that she is BPD.   At first I tried to understand it, do my best living with it and accepting it and working through it with them, but I've now started to try to make an exit from the relationship.  Regardless which path you take for your relationship, this forum has great resources and support.

I have found it is very difficult when they are not diagnosed as it triples the effect that we second guess ourselves, sometimes it puts more guilt upon me because I feel like I might be making a false judgement, but I came to the conclusion that diagnosis or no diagnosis, the one thing that is true regardless is that I am not ok with their actions and I am not ok with how their actions make me feel.   An interesting thing is your comments about your OH cutting out his family, or friends, seemingly often.  That was a sign I over-looked many times with my GF, but when you look at the trends of things like that, more things will present themselves.  It is also easy to lose track of these actions.  I began writing down the dates of emotional blowups (cutting out a friend), etc.  I looked back at it after 6 months and it blew my mind how often and how almost exactly spaced out they were.  It was easy for me to forget them so I would never recognize the cycles, my friends and family would, but I didn't see the patterns until I wrote down the date and a little message as to what happened.

I found that getting my own therapist really helped me with a lot of the confusion.  There are tons of apps now for virtual therapists due to covid, it has been helpful because it is easier to make appointments via chat or webcam then it is to coordinate an in-person session.

Like Bloomie mentioned, there are tons of resources and articles, book recommendations and information on this site, so I think you've started in the right place!
« Last Edit: July 08, 2020, 10:45:56 AM by NeedSupport »

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ToAudrey

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Re: Another New Member...trying to figure out my situation
« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2020, 12:06:38 PM »
Thank you NeedSupport. I find it very true what you said about all the second guessing. Each time they do or say something kind I worry Iím just being difficult. Then I think about all the terrible things said during outbursts, how they go on that no one supports them enough, and other behaviors. Keeping a record is a good idea to see any patterns. Iíve gone as far as getting a code from work that will allow me three therapist appointments. Need to take the next steps.