i just need to vent, parents are fairly bad narcissists, I just feel tired.

[arton]

Ok I went no contact with my father 2 years ago. I realised from contact with him as an adult that he had been abusing me as a child even though he left when I was 10. My mother who I thought was a victim treated me very badly as a teenager and it was my fault. I never liked her and didn't know why. I suffered a schizoid break when I was 22 but I'd done so many drugs I wasn't sure what was happening. I recovered but I remember it's that fog, like in the website title. I never asked why it had happened, even though I kind of knew it wasn't the drugs really.
                    ok so I won't give a biography. I had gone to the doctor claiming I had bipolar at 33. I then started to self-administer lithium supplements and I think just the fantasy of making myself well from an illness I didn't have, helped me to see how people were treating me. my father is almost perpetually manipulative. he is undermining something constantly and it's like being in a conspiracy where his always going to end up on top, so you have to be on his side. I fucking hate him. after he lied to me about something ridiculous that made him seem inhuman, I decided to go no- contact. from there I guess I googled into the term narcissism. and I realised who they were.
             It is very depressing to know that you were abused by your parents who were pathologically devious, yet everybody ignored it because they made money. It's depressing. but anyway, I guess I could only cope with my father being like that if my mother was some victim, and that we both shared narc traits and fought off the illness together. I needed that.
    But recently ive come to terms with the fact she is just as bad, and has been abusing me for as long as I remember. I'm not sure if she has antisocial whatever but she gets under my skin and breaks me down, has a weird incest thing going to, she always sexualises but only impliedly, subtly, and basically takes pleasure in her own disruptive quality. I would say her unconscious controls her and it is highly mentally abusive to people close. I'm feeling shit because all these terms they don't help with how it feels to know your mother is abusing you and has done so your whole life. what am I to do?
            I'm 39 I only have intermittent independence else I just lower myself and feel like shit. I have a law degree, which was one of the hardest things ive done. my dad was undermining me the whole time and my mother acted like this was her achievement. I'm really exhausted. My brother denies then joins in, my mother behaves like she can't help it, at least I'm no contact with my father, that gives me hope. Going no contact with both parents as an unemployed unmarried 39-year-old is really depressing. I don't have a therapist hense this bloody letter to no-one. I have friends but they live in other countries but they won't support me, the just glaze over. but you know I'm so used to feeling this bad, that I can still laugh, and I love nature, my cat, philosophy and writing. I'm still like 30% totally ok. I think I won't contact my mother for a few months and try not to take any handouts financially. I was trying to get started in a small business then coved hit.
                            I was getting myself together recently but yesterday my mother did her thing, and I'm just thinking, why are you doing this? why don't you care that your killing your son inside.  And fucking gaslighting my god she's an Olympian. but she knows she is hurting me, she's proud of it, I don't think she sees me as a son at all. why can't she listen when I tell her about narcissistic abuse and stop doing it? its fucking upsetting. I need to get my independence and move on, but I'm fucking useless and depressed as well. Its hard.

[Psuedonym]

HI arton,

Welcome to the site! A lot of what you said about your feelings and experience reminds me of myself, and you will find many people on this site who feel the same. You sound like you are very bright and are trying to logically figure things out, (which is actually the first step in getting better!) so I will suggest some resources. The first one I would suggest you start with is Pete Walker's book, C-PTSD From Surviving to Thriving. I'm sorry I didn't read it earlier. It will put into perspective all the things that you are feeling right now.

There are also a ton of great resources online from people who specialize in PDs. They are very different personalities but here are my favorites:

Les Carter: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIELB1mz8wMKIhB6DCmTBlw/videos (he has a very folksy sort of wisdom and is great for clarifying that its not you that's the problem)

Richard Grannon: https://www.youtube.com/c/FortressMentalHealthProtectionSystem/videos (Richard is very funny and intellectual. He has another channel with hundreds of videos but this one is specific steps towards getting healthier so I thought would be more useful. He refers to Pete Walker quite a bit).

Jerry Wise: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZWHfOsTVegeEFEXV56llWA/videos (Like Les Carter he's sort of grandfatherly. He focuses a lot on identifying how growing up with PDs effects you emotionally and also has a bunch about systems feelings and family systems)

Anyway I hope these help. All of them helped me when I was extremely confused and trying to sort things out, which sounds like you are now.

One final thing, you mentioned having a schizoid break when you were 22. When I first started seeing my therapist, she said to me I was lucky I didn't end up with schizoaffective disorder. She said that when you grow up with NPD or BPD parents, you are told so often that what you are feeling, remembering, or experiencing isn't real so often that you can end up not being able to distinguish what is real from what is not. In extreme cases this can become schizoaffective disorder. It sounds like you are much better now, but if you are suspecting that all the gaslighting you experienced caused what happened in your 20s, you may well be right.

[PeanutButter]

Helo I'm glad I saw your' letter'
Arton welcome to our community. You have found kindred spirits here that will understand!

I have a similar FOO (family of origin) experience. My ubpdM verbally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically abused me my entire life untill I went No Contact with my entire FOO at 30 years old.

My enD was my 'good parent'. UbpdM tried to alienate me from him while we all lived in the same home. It worked with my siblings but I saw through it. I always saw him as a victim just like me. He was abused by ubpdM.

But he was an adult making a choice to stay. He also didnt intervene but gave a silent audience to ubpdM's abuse of me. Ive come to terms with that slowly. He is abusive by allowing her to be abusive. He chose his wife over his children.

It has been and continues to be incredibly painful. The only parent that I thought loved me sacrificed me to his mentally ill wife. 

I had several diagnosis that were misdiagnosis along the way too.

Take one step at a time. Try to cultivate a deep compassion for yourself and your inner child. (You child self went through so much). Maybe you can try to learn some boundaries to protect yourself from your M's continued abuse of you. A break might be just what you need to allow your stress to come down.

It sounds like you like yourself and have wonderful things you enjoy. Thats great!

I have 3 cat babies. They have brought me a joy I didn't know I was capable of feeling.

I hope you keep posting!

[Adria]

Arton,

Welcome to the forum.  You are in good company here.  So much of what you have written is my story as well as many others here.  Narcs all seem to play from the same book. 

I'm really sorry for all that you have endured at the hands of your parents.  Sometimes it can just be too much to wrap your head around.  These people don't deserve us as their children.

It seems like in our thirties is a lot of times when it really hits hard and we have to make the choice to come to terms with it or let it completely destroy our life.  It sounds like you are taking the bull by the horns and facing facts, that it sucks, it has sucked and will suck some more.  However, once you start coming Out of the FOG and see things for what they are and are brave enough to see it more clearly, that is when you can begin to take control of YOUR life.  Read as much as you can, watch videos, and cry.  Grieving living deaths is very hard.

I've been NC with my whole family and extended family for nearly 30 years.  I wish it didn't have to be this way. I would give anything to have a nice family, but those weren't the cards I've been dealt. 

In your post you said you are useless. However, you have managed to get a law degree under all this abuse and stress.  A degree like that is quite something after all you've been through. That doesn't make you sound useless to me.  You can pat yourself on the back for that, along with just plain surviving.

Be patient and kind with yourself. You are worth it. You are very strong and resilient even though it may not feel that way at times. Understand that, because of what you have been through, you have so much understanding, compassion and empathy to give to others who are hurting.  Your parent's will never know that kind of joy. That will also go a long way with your degree

Just because our parents could not love us does not mean we are unlovable.  We have to give ourselves the love, compassion and empathy that they could not.  After all, we have the rest of our lives to live.

A wise minister once said to me when I asked him, "Will I ever get over it?"  He said, "You will never fully get over it.  It is part of your life, your past.  However, you will have good days and bad days.  Better to understand that and embrace it than spend the rest of your life wondering what is wrong with you that you still can feel the pain."
That took so much pressure off of me when I understood that there wasn't something wrong with me for hurting over it at times.  That it is normal and okay. In time, it becomes more manageable. I have learned to let my emotions flow with the tide knowing tomorrow will once again be brighter. I have also learned to find joy in the simple things, like watching a butterfly, or listening to a songbird, beholding the beauty of a sunset. 

I can tell from your post that you are very intelligent, insightful and resourceful. And because of that, you are going to be just fine.  Hang in there. The best is yet to come.  I look forward to having you on board here. You have much to offer. Adria

[Andeza]

Welcome! I'm really sorry you need us, but I'm glad you found us. 

Sometimes just being able to speak the truth and have it accepted is such a beautiful thing to those who have seen the truth denied and denied and denied, over and over by the abusive people in their lives. Saying what you have said is a great start. You've been strong enough to look for answers. Some never make it that far. You've already made a huge, first step. Well done!

How old you are doesn't matter, my friend! Don't worry about that. It is never too late to start living your best life, and the secret? You can do it. That's the secret.

It sounds as though you've got about 39 years worth of abuse and trauma to unpack. It'll be a process, it'll take time, you'll have success and you'll meet with frustration. But if you are determined to live your best life, you'll make it through. Remember, this is a journey, not a race. And any small steps backward don't mean you've failed, it just means you start again.

Going NC with your father was a strong move. If it is your desire to do so with your mother as well, you can get there. We'll be here to help with your journey.

You have a fantastic degree! You have the opportunity to be completely, 100% independent of anyone. I think success in the business realm will fuel you, help you grow and see that you have worth and value. You have worth. To use an analogy from a youtube show I watch (Dave Ramsey) someone handed you a cinder block (brick) that says you have no value. And you're carrying it around with you, and it's dragging you down. But just because someone else handed you this brick, doesn't mean you can't put it down. You have been sabotaged. It's not fair to you. But you can rise above!

Please do keep posting, and we'll be here.