I'm letting a friend go - trying to break patterns

[JenniferSmith]

Many years ago I met a woman in a spiritual group. We ended up serving in roles in the group that forced us to spend a lot of time together.  We also worked in very similar professions, so we had a lot to talk about. This led to us becoming good friends. We shared some pretty quirky/unusual interests, and that was the glue that brought us together.

Fast-forward a number of years later. Due to some issues in my personal life, it became harder and harder for me to continue coming to the group. I eventually stopped going. But my friend and I still kept in touch.

But over the past few years, I started having very mixed feelings about her. I started realized, very slowly and gradually, that while we could laugh and joke together, and talk about our interests, that we didn't really connect very much on an emotional level.

I was very hurt by this as I really valued her friendship. But I couldn't ignore this emotional gap.

A couple of years ago I met a new friend and very quickly, we became good friends. I started noticing that she did things that this longer term friend never did. She actually expressed care and concern about me. We shared on an emotional level and I felt empathy from her. When I had health issues, she offered to help me if I needed something from the store. My friend from the spiritual group, in all these years, has never once offered ever to help me. Its not that I even need a friend to actually do something like that... but just to offer it meant so much to me from my newer friend.

My older friend is extremely immersed in her spiritual practice. But I've noticed that she doesn't actually make me feel like she even cares about me. It super weird and I've struggled for a years because I think how can this very spiritual person not be warm and caring to a friend?

Anyway, even though I barely hear from her, I sent her a birthday card recently. She immediately sent me an email and thanked me, said she thinks about me often (but never calls or texts), and then told me what she is doing in her life. I noticed that this email did not even include a single comment inquiring how I am doing even though we haven't spoken in several months.  And then she signed the email "Love, "

I actually cried when I read the email. Then I realized, my intuition was correct. She doesn't actually care about me.

But I reached a turning point. I decided I am not going to reply and I am going to let her go.  The writing has been on the wall for a while, but I've been ignoring it because I really valued the friendship. At first I really regretted sending her the card, but now I am glad I did, as her response showed me the message I've been refusing to admit.

I am sad to lose what I thought was a good friend, but if she doesn't value my friendship, then my energy is wasted. I don't need a "friend" who makes me feel as if I don't matter to them at all.

Now I am at peace with it and I release it all to the universe - our journeys part at this point.

[TriedTooHard]

This is a very well written description of what happened to me with people I met in various support groups I tried, as I was coming Out of the FOG.

Thank you for posting this, its super validating.  I totally agree with your approach.

For many years, connections like this one you describe here, were a step up for me, compared to the extreme dysfunction I was tolerating in my teens and early twenties.  As a result, I spent a lot of time "trying too hard" to make it work (hence my username).  I thought that there still must have been something "off" about me - that is why the connection wasn't as close.

But it sounds to me from what you've written, that the "off" thing about us was that we still had to learn the different ways in which people are unavailable to us.  While I was trying to make it work with people like that, I ran the risk of becoming emotionally unavailable to others.  I learned that the people going to those support groups were still at various levels of healing and had something to offer, but not the type of friendship I wanted, as I moved on from those topics.

[clara]

Situations like this are often hard to deal with not just because of the imbalance in the relationship but because often we know what we want and need and after having invested time and energy in the relationship, calling it quits can seem like a defeat.  But it's not.  It's actually just facing reality--the friendship didn't work out, and giving more time and attention to it wasn't productive.  Letting go is hard, because you always remember the good times you had together, but there's no point having expectations that will never be met.  The person is who they are.

I was in a similar situation with an old friend from high school.  She went NC with me with no explanation after we'd been friend for years, then re-emerged on facebook  where she seems to expect a lot of positive feedback while giving nothing to other people.  It finally occurred to me that she'd always been that way, even when we were friends.  She never went out of her way for me, I was the one having to do all the work in the friendship including keeping in contact, getting together etc.  She'd send me cards and notes saying how much she valued our friendship etc. etc. but she never once went out of her way for me, let alone do anything for me.  It was all a one-way street and I suspect she went NC with me because she no longer had any tangible benefits to being friends with me (I moved to another city).  For years I'd hoped it'd all been a big misunderstanding, but after re-connecting with her on facebook, I finally faced some hard truths about who she really was.  I'm not going to unfriend her, but I finally dropped having expectations of her.  She was never going to change.  She is who she is.

I don't think I ever truly accepted this old saying until I started spending time on this site:  Actions speak louder than words.  Time and again, I've found that to be true.

[JenniferSmith]

This is a very well written description of what happened to me with people I met in various support groups I tried, as I was coming Out of the FOG.

Thank you for posting this, its super validating.  I totally agree with your approach.

For many years, connections like this one you describe here, were a step up for me, compared to the extreme dysfunction I was tolerating in my teens and early twenties.  As a result, I spent a lot of time "trying too hard" to make it work (hence my username).  I thought that there still must have been something "off" about me - that is why the connection wasn't as close.

But it sounds to me from what you've written, that the "off" thing about us was that we still had to learn the different ways in which people are unavailable to us.  While I was trying to make it work with people like that, I ran the risk of becoming emotionally unavailable to others.  I learned that the people going to those support groups were still at various levels of healing and had something to offer, but not the type of friendship I wanted, as I moved on from those topics.

Thanks TriedTooHard - I really agree with your comment about "learning the different ways in which people are unavailable to us."   That seems to be one of the major life-lessons I have had to keep working on.  Each of my parents was very emotionally unavailable in different ways. I have spent my life acting like a heat-seeking missile for people who are like this.  I seem to keep moving up levels, though.

This friend really threw me for a loop because of the spiritual aspect. With much reflection, I've come to realize that she is friendly and kind, and on the surface, quite empathetic.  But warm and caring are not words I would use to describe her. The first set of qualities led me to think she had the latter, so I was really questioning my own perceptions for quite a long time.

She is not a bad person or a toxic person and I don't think she has a PD. She is just a person I formed a strong attachment to who is not able to meet my needs for more closeness and warmth.

[JenniferSmith]

Situations like this are often hard to deal with not just because of the imbalance in the relationship but because often we know what we want and need and after having invested time and energy in the relationship, calling it quits can seem like a defeat.  But it's not.  It's actually just facing reality--the friendship didn't work out, and giving more time and attention to it wasn't productive.  Letting go is hard, because you always remember the good times you had together, but there's no point having expectations that will never be met.  The person is who they are.

I was in a similar situation with an old friend from high school.  She went NC with me with no explanation after we'd been friend for years, then re-emerged on facebook  where she seems to expect a lot of positive feedback while giving nothing to other people.  It finally occurred to me that she'd always been that way, even when we were friends.  She never went out of her way for me, I was the one having to do all the work in the friendship including keeping in contact, getting together etc.  She'd send me cards and notes saying how much she valued our friendship etc. etc. but she never once went out of her way for me, let alone do anything for me.  It was all a one-way street and I suspect she went NC with me because she no longer had any tangible benefits to being friends with me (I moved to another city).  For years I'd hoped it'd all been a big misunderstanding, but after re-connecting with her on facebook, I finally faced some hard truths about who she really was.  I'm not going to unfriend her, but I finally dropped having expectations of her.  She was never going to change.  She is who she is.

I don't think I ever truly accepted this old saying until I started spending time on this site:  Actions speak louder than words.  Time and again, I've found that to be true.

Excellent points, and I completely agree- actions do speak louder than words. In this case, my friend is really good with caring, flowery words (at times), but it doesn't go much further than that.

I think for me, in a friendship, if its a good one, there should be a progression of closeness as time goes on. I started realizing that the years were ticking by but we weren't getting any closer. We had reached a plateau several years in and then just never moved past that.   I appreciate the time we did have as friends and now will consider her a nice acquaintance who I am happy to hear from, if I do, and no hard feelings.  I've been grieving the loss for a few years now as I slowly came to terms with what with going on, and now I can be at peace with it, although disappointed it couldn't have been more.

[JenniferSmith]

Coming back to update this thread for anyone interested in my little story here.

Since I last posted, we've exchanged a few emails.

I've realized that for whatever reason, this friend has a way of relating to me that does not meet my needs for closeness, support, warmth, and other similar things.  This does not make her a bad person, just a person who I should not expect those things from.

I feel that I have finally made a true emotional shift after struggling with this for the past few years. I have internally disengaged from her and now that I don't expect anything more than what she offers, I am no longer feeling hurt by this whole situation. 

I now consider her a pleasant acquaintance and I'm guessing we will have occasional contact in the form of an email or holiday card.

It feels good to feel free and to have positive feelings about the whole thing.

Over the past few years, I've made two other female friends who are completely different than this woman. They are warm and caring, and we connect emotionally with each other. 

This old friend puzzled me so much because on the surface she seemed so nice and caring and like a real friend.... but then those deeper layers of close friendship just never seemed to be there. It really threw me for a loop.  Meeting my newer friends showed me what was missing.  I am so happy I met them because they offer the type of friendship that I want, and that I want to give back to them.

[notrightinthehead]

I feel so happy for you!
Sometimes we need to learn what we need and want from other people first, in other words, we need to get to know ourselves and our needs first, and then we can decide on what level to connect to others. 

[JustinaC]

Hi JenniferSmith,

I am happy for you too. I am glad you were able to peacefully let her go and turn to others for what you need. You changed your expectations and that made all the difference for you. And now this gives me the opportunity to use a couple of those animated emojis lol 

[blacksheep7]

I'm glad to have come upon this post and that you have made significant changes  which  I am dealing with at the moment.
Breaking a pattern, lowering my contact with my bff of 30+yrs.  We met at work in the big city and she moved back to her home town while expecting her second child due to her partner cheating on her and this man was Never involved with their two boys  
She remained single while bringing up her boys alone. Her parents deceased when she was 20 and her upbringing with an alcoholic father gave us this extra tight bond, always calling each other when in relationship crisis since my N parents were emotionally unavailable and did not rely on them for help never discussing my issues of any kind, had in the past and got burned!

I have been to therapy and 12 step meetings on and off when needed.  On the other hand she has not and all of her siblings have suffered terribly of alcoholism and/or depression, two dead and one hospitalized in a long term care facility.

Fastforward, she has been with the present partner for approx 15 yrs, a man that has to be medicated for a mental illness and is very hyperactive and codependent, lives on auto-pilot with little to no self-awarness so my bff picks up after him constantly. The last two years he had not taken his meds regulary, would go off them so she would call serval times a day.   This man also has very unhealthy relationships with his two kids, especially the youngest 30 which probably suffers from depression, has no friends, can not keep a job (just like the father) calls him daily, sometimes  5x a day. He is not on med, self-medicates with cannabis.  It's sad, they remain  in «their normal».

My bff's partner  would send me funny posts  on Messenger trying to be my friend.  I wouldn't respond, then blocked him. 

I'll make this short, she is stuck in a trama bond with him but is unable to see that his «niceness» is small as is his empathy.  I had many red flags when she would talk to me like when in winter he wouldn't clean the steps of snow, when she had  a torn ligament.
She has a toxic enmeshed relationship with her eldest  30 yr  dependent son calling every day and the last two yrs she has now a nephew added that she took care of, lending him money   Mother Teresa here.   

Right now she has been on sick leave for three months because of the toxic  work enviroment  where she was pushed aside which I won't get into.  She is in therapy right now but did not talk about her dependent foc to get insurance from the employer. 

She suffers deeply from codependency and I have been telling her that this is an occasion and time to grow., to look into that need of having touch with them daily/if they don't call for 2 days, she will...this need to feel alive, fill her emptiness, love.  She had an open mind with me  about putting some boundaries in place which she did.  She has not  greived and healed her wounds.

Believe me, I feel sorry for her, have had much empathy but after two years and going through problems of my own, working really hard at it, I am now worn out listening to these circular convos about her codependcy that haven't changed telling me that her nephew owes her money, Again....same old story, stuck in a rut. 
She hasn't called me in three days because I told her that she had to change or she will get burned again and again. I suggested the book codependent no more. To look into her  shame, guilt & obligation, her fear of being alone and not accept these unhealthy demands and expections from them. 

I fell into the codependcy with her.  I am letting her stew a bit and will call her maybe later this afternoon.

If you've read so far, thank you for letting me vent.  Any comments are always welcome

[Drawing_boundaries]

I've realized that for whatever reason, this friend has a way of relating to me that does not meet my needs for closeness, support, warmth, and other similar things.  This does not make her a bad person, just a person who I should not expect those things from.

I feel that I have finally made a true emotional shift after struggling with this for the past few years. I have internally disengaged from her and now that I don't expect anything more than what she offers, I am no longer feeling hurt by this whole situation. 

I now consider her a pleasant acquaintance and I'm guessing we will have occasional contact in the form of an email or holiday card.

It feels good to feel free and to have positive feelings about the whole thing.

This is such a lovely statement.
You have taken a complex situation which could have added fuel to the FOG and instead you have simply let go of expectations and maintained an acquaintance. I really admire how you have handled this.

I have been coming Out of the FOG for almost 5 years with a primary abandonment wound. I aspire to be able to manage the ebb and flow of human interactions with such grace. Your story has really touched me.

[blacksheep7]

So I don't talk to my bff one day and wasn't available to answer her call this morning.   She called twice and left a message.  I texted her saying I was in the yard, which I was and to call me from home (she was on her cellphone).

Before I write the message I want to say that I have been going lower in contact and shorter calls.  I have been honest with her about my capacity  of listening to circular convos about her codependent people around her.  We
are different in our growth and I can not be her therapist.  She always agreed  with me about the codependcy call when I was going nc with toxic M.

Her message: I noticed for a certain time now and have a feeling that we are not on the same wave length and.  If I am a load for  you, I will understand....we can end this friendship, If I am not up to your expectations.    I did listen to you for years and now I am the one with the weakness.

She's been off work three full months with no therapy on codependency only listening to my experience in that matter.

Oh boy, I didn't need this, this morning.    

Please, I need your comments even though I mainly  know  how to handle it.   Advise would help and a comment on her message, is she playing the victim?  That's how I see it.

[JenniferSmith]

I've realized that for whatever reason, this friend has a way of relating to me that does not meet my needs for closeness, support, warmth, and other similar things.  This does not make her a bad person, just a person who I should not expect those things from.

I feel that I have finally made a true emotional shift after struggling with this for the past few years. I have internally disengaged from her and now that I don't expect anything more than what she offers, I am no longer feeling hurt by this whole situation. 

I now consider her a pleasant acquaintance and I'm guessing we will have occasional contact in the form of an email or holiday card.

It feels good to feel free and to have positive feelings about the whole thing.

This is such a lovely statement.
You have taken a complex situation which could have added fuel to the FOG and instead you have simply let go of expectations and maintained an acquaintance. I really admire how you have handled this.

I have been coming Out of the FOG for almost 5 years with a primary abandonment wound. I aspire to be able to manage the ebb and flow of human interactions with such grace. Your story has really touched me.

I am so happy to hear that sharing this experience has helped someone!  It has actually been a very painful process for me, and if I am honest, there are still times I wonder why there is such a disconnect between us, and it does make me sad.

I will share that I have been studying Non-Violent Communication over the past few months and this has been helping me shift and reframe the ways I think about my relationships. I'm finding it very empowering. 

best wishes to you~~

[Drawing_boundaries]

Thank you for sharing your painful experience. It has given me new ways of looking at relationships.
I'm trying to understand that a gap between who someone is and what I would like isn't a form of rejection.

Glad to hear non violent communication is assisting you!

[lakersgirl248]

I am really sorry that you are going trough this, Losing a friend is never easy even if it by choice but what you are doing is beneficial to you as a person in whole so I think that you are on the right track. Keep it up