General exhaustion with PDXBF

[illmeetyouthere]

I've been reading through this forum ever since my DS went to sleep. I have been struggling immensely with my XBF with whom I share a young child. We have been broken up since my pregnancy. He is emotionally and verbally abusive and very unwell.

I spent the first six months of my DS life letting my XBF come into my home almost every day so he could have time with his son. We didn't go to court or have any documents in place. I know that his dad has rights and I have never tried or threatened to take them away. We now I have a court order and an agreement we made together with a mediator. We have joint legal custody. I have 100 per cent physical custody with visitation.

My DS loves his dad and is a really happy baby in general. But I am so scared of what my XBF is capable of and I am so exhausted.

I won't go into details-i'm sure no one here needs them-but he does all of the things I've read here from others. He is always the victim, he constantly seems to want to catch me doing something bad, he cyber stalks my friends and then berates me and gives me the silent treatment if he sees something he doesn't like, he calls me names, he makes strange and inappropriate " accusations" (i use quotes bc he accuses me of things that aren't wrong to do even though i'm not doing them), he blames me for his feelings, he uses our parenting communication app as a way to harass and insult me, he has sexually harassed me multiple times ...the list goes on. And on. and on.

I feel so alone and exhausted and scared. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I can keep being strong and I know I need to stay stable and sane. I document everything that transpired between us. He has zero respect for an agreement that we made together. 

I guess this is more of a rant than anything. Something happened today and I've felt sick to my stomach and just hope for some words of support. I don't believe this will ever get better.

[vijaykumari]

I've been married twice, each with one child, and so I've had two coparenting experiences. Both difficult people to deal with. 

My second husband was very difficult and in my opinion not great as a parent.  What ended up working best (the best that could be hoped for I guess) was to focus on what my daughter needed.  I tried not to communicate anything non-parenting related with him even if he tried to engage me.  He would do this a lot, messaging something unrelated to parenting and I would answer only if there was something in there I had to say for our child.  If I noticed he was going to be with his new girlfriend and wouldn't have time to be a good parent, I would offer to take our child for that weekend and switch to another day.  He had a tendency to stick to whatever schedule his lawyer wrote down, with zero flexibility (in other words, his motives weren't about childcare but more about how to show that he was following rules and therefore better than me).  So he wouldn't suggest any variations that would be better for her.  Otherwise I wouldn't answer his texts etc which made him really really mad (I enjoyed this, I admit).  It was scary.  I ended up asking a friend who knew him as well (a friend of the whole family) to stay connected and friendly with him, so she could tell me what he was doing as far as parenting.  I think without her it would have been worse. 

In some ways he was a good parent (mostly because he liked to pay for things to show he was better than me) so I took advantage of this.  I focused on what she needed, and that focus gave me some strength, and allowed me to concentrate on how to work around the problems.  I tried to think of what would steer him in a direction that would work for her and also make him feel in control.  It was a bit manipulative but honestly my own problems in life gave me a bit of a manipulative side. I was using my powers for good, you could say. 

I'm making it sound better than it really was-it was messy and he's impossible to talk to and I made many many "mistakes".  I can relate to 1. knowing my child needs her dad and 2. being exhausted from verbal abuse, feeling alone, and being terrified.  The only escape and return to sanity (as much as I could) was to do the best thing possible under the circumstances to meet my child's needs. When I did that, things went better, and when I reacted out of fear I did things that weren't good for her. 

And don't let any kind of parent guilt overwhelm you.  That is another problem I had and I don't know if that factors in for you but it was a huge obstacle.  I'd feel like I failed as a parent, then I'd be overwhelmed with guilt and I wouldn't be able to think straight to be a good parent.  Now that my kids are adults I've been able to help correct/improve some of the problems they had from divorce and the fallout.  So I have a lot more power as a parent than I thought.

[Penny Lane]

Hi illmeetyouthere and welcome to this part of the forum.



This is so hard! I'm sorry you have to be here. Everything you said is very familiar here. In fact I'm always amazed at how many similarities there are between the PDs we talk about here. What I'm trying to say is, you're not alone.

You're smart to recognize that you need to stay strong and stable, both for your son and for yourself. I have a couple suggestions for how you can start doing that:

Limit your contact with your ex. Keep your communications to him brief, informative, friendly, firm - the BIFF method. If he tries to harass you via the coparenting app or by text about something not kid related, don't respond. Only respond to things that directly pertain to your son or are otherwise necessary for coparenting. The less he gets the response he wants, the less he will communicate with you.

Let go of any hope you have of controlling what he does with your son. He will do things that are scary and damaging, especially as your son gets older. It is awful. But your energy will be much better spent on making sure that you are being the best parent you can be, rather than spinning in circles trying to get an unpersuadable person to show basic decency.

Stick to the rules of the agreement as much as possible. Don't give him extra stuff, just keep to whatever rules you agreed to. I hope your agreement doesn't allow him to come into your house - can you keep him out? If he's still coming inside, I would say focus as much energy as possible on getting him OUT, even if that means renegotiating the agreement.

This will get easier, I promise. Not because he gets better. Because you will get stronger and stronger. You'll learn how to be most effective at setting boundaries with him and how to emotionally disinvest from his harassment.

If you're the type to want a book on every topic (I am) here are a couple that might help:
Coparenting with a Toxic Ex by Amy Baker and Paul Fine
Don't Alienate the Kids! by Bill Eddy

These will give you not only strategies for dealing with your ex but also for helping your son handle his dad (when he's old enough to need it). I've found them invaluable.

I look forward to seeing you around here more and to hearing more of your story. Take care.

[illmeetyouthere]

Thank you both for your replies. I feel better today, as I always do after going through the cycle of anxiety post-pdxbf encounter.

I appreciate the book recommendations. I do like to read and learn on topics, Especially as it is another way to feel less alone.

I will be back with more to share. Thank you again for responses.