New member

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bb1701

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New member
« on: July 08, 2020, 03:05:31 AM »
Hi everybody,

I'm a lurker who has recently started reading this site after being told about it by a friend.  Going through the info pages was really helpful, and I found that a lot of the info (and even one of the stock photo images) really spoke to me about my situation.

I (40, male) am a non-PD with a BPD/HPD husband (40).  Between cohabitation and marriage, we've been together for about 15 years. While I've known since the start of our relationship that he had some obsessive/compulsive-type traits, most of his symptoms were things that I easily brushed off as personality quirks or minor annoyances that I could live with (in retrospect, I can see that a few of those 'quirks' were samples of what was to come). His mental health deteriorated over the course of several years, with things getting much worse over the last 3-ish years.  That was when he was diagnosed as BDP/HPD (with side orders of generalized anxiety disorder and cannabis use disorder).  Talk about an interesting mix.  Yeesh.

Unsurprisingly, his PD has had an impact on all aspects of our lives.  This can include his being manipulative, unreasonably demanding, suicide threats, an inability to see his impact (and sometimes fault) in things, etc.  When things get really bad, he has what can only be described as temper tantrums that would make a 2-year-old shake their head in disgust.  His tantrums involve screaming, swearing, stomping around, sometimes banging on things, suicidal comments, and asking me why I'm doing "these things" to him ("these things" being whatever he perceives that Iím doing to cause him to have his meltdown).

His treatment is about to change, and maybe it will help.  I am hopeful that things will improve, but I'm not optimistic.  I've opened up a bank account that he doesn't know about so that I can have some emergency money available in case I have to leave, which is looking pretty likely.  I'm basically in 'prepare for war, pray for peace' mode.  I'm also seeing a counsellor for my own support and health, and she is quite helpful.

I think that the next month or so will likely be the make or break time for it all.

Anyways, I'm very happy that I have been introduced to this page and community.  You've already been helpful.

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xredshoesx

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Re: New member
« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2020, 08:44:47 AM »
welcome to the forum bb-

i am sorry that you are going through all this with your spouse.  it sounds like you've really tried everything to help and support him over the time you've been together and i totally understand that point of having enough of caring about someone's health and well being more than they do-  you've reached that point of no return and it takes a lot to realize that nothing you did caused him to act this way, there is nothing you can do to control the tantrums and poor treatment of you, and there is nothing you can do to change him unless he is actively involved in the process and *wants* to change. 

i'm sharing some of the exit planning links with you, but if the change in treatment plan works and you do decide to continue to keep working with him on the relationship we can also support you through that part of the journey-

Here is a link on creating a Safety Plan or Kit and a checklist for leaving-  i know it's targeted towards women but it may help you in future planning - having a bank account is a huge first step-
http://womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/get-help-for-violence/safety-planning-for-abusive-situations.html

Personal Safety
http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/ensure-your-own-personal-safety

To avoid circular conversations, don't JADE Justify Argue Defend Explain
http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

here are the links for both the separating and divorcing part of the forum, as well as the committed to working on it- you can post in either or both, we just ask that you don't copy posts and put them in both sections-

Separating and Divorcing

Comitted to Working On It

be safe and take care of you first.  hope to hear more from you on the boards soon-

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bb1701

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Re: New member
« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2020, 02:53:27 AM »
Thank you for the welcome, the kind words, and the useful info. I appreciate it!

I hope that things work out. If they donít, then I know that I have done my best. The time for me to look after myself is long overdue.