New member-- I'm so glad to be here

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ov3rwh3lmed21

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New member-- I'm so glad to be here
« on: July 08, 2020, 01:41:59 PM »
Hi everyone! It's nice to meet you all.

I'm a woman in my mid thirties who has felt that my relationship with my mom has always been "off." Both my mom and I suffer from anxiety and OCD, although we have fairly different attitudes towards it (me= I see a doctor and therapist, am on meds, etc.; her= denies it is truly a problem, sees mental illness as weakness, etc.).

I've been on a journey of therapy/self-reflection since my oldest daughter was born five years ago and have come to realize that my interactions with her are one of my main triggers. She is very vocal about her various health concerns and that leads me into a spiral of worrying about my own health, etc. I'd say our conversations are maybe 80% her talking about whatever illness or injury she is currently suffering, and then I get to talk the other 20% of the time (I usually don't even bother). The problem is, most of her health issues appear to be legitimate so I genuinely worry about her/feel sorry for her/want to make suggestions about how she can feel better. My dad isn't around, she doesn't trust doctors and so I feel like I need to be the listening ear. This is incredibly emotionally draining for me even when I limit our contact to a few times a week.

I tried to set boundaries by asking her to not mention health issues so much but that led to a big blow-out fight in which she accused me of always being cruel and attacking her, making her feel like a bad mother, etc. So I essentially feel trapped. Her self-esteem and emotional state seem very closely tied to my behaviour. If I mention something she is doing is upsetting me, she makes me feel guilty for bringing it up by talking about how much physical pain she is in, how hard her ailments are to deal with, etc. I essentially end up feeling like a complete monster.

It helps to have another place to air these feelings. Thanks for reading and I'm looking forward to reading about other people's stories as well. Sending healing light and love to everyone here.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: New member-- I'm so glad to be here
« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2020, 04:20:24 PM »
Welcome Overwhelmed21! That cannot be easy for you trying to meet such high expectations and getting a temper tantrum when they are not met. Please read the TOOLBOX, especially medium chill, non JADE, and grey rock. Then practise, practise, practise. Do not be disappointed when you are falling back into former habits, the moment you become aware of that, you just resume practising.  You can also learn to just re-phrase and repeat what she said when you get a word in, since your role seems to be to listen and sympathise. In order to protect yourself you might want to learn to distinguish between her problem and yours. Anything that concerns her is her problem. Alone. Anything that concerns you, is yours. Find out whose problem it is. Her health. Her problem. Bad doctor. Her problem. Nobody understands her? Her problem. She asks you for help? Your problem.
Good luck! Looking forward to your progress.
Our march to freedom is irreversible. We must not allow fear to stand in our way.  Nelson Mandela

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Boat Babe

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Re: New member-- I'm so glad to be here
« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2020, 05:25:07 PM »
Hi there and welcome.
Your mum sounds very controlling and manipulative. She sounds like an absolute nightmare to be honest. If I am so reactive it's because both my mother and my grandmother were very very similar. It puts my teeth on edge.

You are coming Out of the FOG and into your own life. That is a truly courageous and life changing step. Find out all you can about PDs, so that you understand the pathology if these individuals.  Understand what this has done to you too. This work takes a lifetime by the way so you might as well start now. Now is also a very good time to improve your self care. Chances are you neglect yourself as you've been trained to meet your mother's needs, probably to the exclusion of all else.  If you are able to afford therapy, I would advise it. It helped me enormously when I needed it.

Looking forward to seeing you around this forum. Things can and do get better OOTF. 😁


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ov3rwh3lmed21

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Re: New member-- I'm so glad to be here
« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2020, 01:37:52 PM »
Thank you so much for the responses! I've been devouring every resource I can get my hands on and this site is honestly awesome. Looking forward to chatting with you more in the future.

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treesgrowslowly

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Re: New member-- I'm so glad to be here
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2020, 11:52:07 AM »
Welcome welcome Overwhelmed!

I'm going to be honest. I could have written parts of your post when I was in your age range myself. This is both heartbreaking and grounding and life affirming to write that. You said what so many of us have felt. Thank you for coming here to this site. You are welcome here to be with us and share how you feel when you want and how you want.

You're in a place where its a good news bad news situation. The good news is that coming OOTF as a daughter of a narcissistic mother is important, possible and liberating. You will befriend your own intuition lile never before or in a new way.

The bad news is that your NPD mother will probably continue to resist you growing up. The same way she resisted it when you were younger and you knew something was off but didn't have the words for it. To explain it in words.

It is overwhelming to have a narcissistic mother. You chose a very special word that I think a lot of us daughters have felt so much , too much.

Having a therapist who gives you space to express yourself is a very very good thing that I needed a lot of myself in my journey OOTF.

Trees