Day one of no contact

[flaringlost]

Hello everyone,

Feeling a bit desperate and come across this forum online. Don't know where to begin really. I have been with my girlfriend for around two years. Things were bad from around 5 weeks in, she changed quite drastically and I would say the last two years have been like living in a nightmare and I am just waking up to this.

Around a year ago I went in search of answer and discovered the narcissistic abuse community online. I diagnosed much of what I was dealing with but there was lots of overlaps with other disorders. I cant make sense of my world right now and my perception is all over the show but i am pretty sure I have been in a cluster b relationship.

I have spent the last 12 months trying to get out and have finally today gone no contact. For some reason i feel like my life is going to end without this person. I am replaying all the things in my head which happened in the relationship which is causing me a lot of distress.

My partner also spent most of the relationship telling me i was abusive. My head was often spinning but i can see at times that i would react very badly, normally when a new man was brought into the relationship by her and i feel a lot of shame about the times i would scream and shout and argue with her. I also read a book called psychopath free and a lot of the stuff in that book went on in my relationship. I sometimes felt like my partner would not be happy until i was completely destroyed and i felt being in the relationship was actually going to kill me and i needed out. I dont and have not really discussed what went on with my partner as she is female and i am male and i felt very embarassed about much of what was happeneing and that i knew about a month in that it was abusive but could not leave. I still feel i will go back again. I usually break up with her then she waits around 3 weeks then comes back and promises change, then she comes back and the same cycle starts again.

I really do love this lady but equally know what i am dealing with is beyond my control. I feel like i have been badly brainwashed and cant make sense of reality. I sort of know the entire thing was abusive and i can see how the cycle went of idealize, devaule and disguard over and over. But I also hold the conflicting thought in my mind that she is a good person etc and did not mean what she was doing.

Anyway, I feel a mess and that i cannot discuss this with anyone. Just feeling a bit desperate and found my way here. Hope everyone is safe and well.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through.

You may find the talks by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez of help to you. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I have found her talks to be very useful to me and she explains a lot about what I have experienced over a long time.

Another person I watch is Doctor Ramani on YouTube as well. She talks about narcissism.

You may find the CPTSD Foundation of help to you as well www.cptsdfoundation.org

So you really are not alone.

Please keep talking and getting help. We all need to tell our stories and help support each other through some very difficult times, which other people really do not understand. 

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Hi flaringlost.
I'm sure there are many folks who can relate to your story.
Personally, I know how difficult leaving is. And staying gone. And faithfully maintaining No Contact.
There is a lot of support here on the forum for the things you are going through and working on.
I'm looking forward to reading you on the boards. Take care!

~BC