Sibling relationships

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Sibling relationships
« on: July 08, 2020, 11:26:42 PM »
This may be a bit of a ramble bear with me...

My mom is bipolar (dx); un dx BPD.  It is well known that even if siblings grow up in the same home and exposed to the same traumas, they process them differently.   My siblings and I are an accurate reflection of that.   We experienced some of the same trauma, but we also experienced different traumas also.   For example, Sibling 2 was always the one who was her main target.   She generated sympathy by their special needs (ASD).   She maintains that she did the best she could, but they has some very serious deep rooted trauma.  Sibling 3 has their own sets of trauma (abandonment).

I love my siblings dearly.  We are all ďOut of the FOGĒ. We all tolerate her to various degrees.   We all share in the fact that she has never acknowledged the hurt and pain that we live in daily.   We all deal with depression and anxiety.   We all deal with feeling worthy and enough.   By accident, I set off sibling 2 by saying his feelings are VALID.   That I understand and share in his feelings.  That has never happened before.

I really desire to band with my siblings and overcome our traumas.   Even if they are different, we do have common threads.  We havenít lived under the same roof since I was 14 and they were 12 and 9.   Our relationship has been fractured for some time.  Is this logical?   Is it healthy?  Even if we didnít experience the same things, we do share the common denominator(s) -  Mom with the PD and a dad who enabled.   I strongly desire a better relationship with them, and to be honest itís really hard to connect because I donít know where to begin.   Just that Iím sick and tired of us struggling while she lives her life.   Iím sick and tired of her having that power over us.   The weight is crushing us all. 

Kinda whatís triggering this too, is I drove past a place that is usually a trigger, where trauma occurred.  I didnít have a single flight or fight feeling.   I thought happy thoughts.  Memories with my best friend.   It was a moment she didnít hold the power.   She didnít get to determine how I felt.  I want more of that.  I hear the hurt when I talk to my siblings, they are drowning and want a life raft.   To move on with life without the weight and burden.   


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Re: Sibling relationships
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2020, 08:46:22 AM »
First how wonderful it must have been to drive by and feel good feelings. What a milestone in your own healing!

My siblings are likewise damaged although in different ways from yours. They are also aware that something is terribly wrong with uPDm and enF although they've never outright called it abuse and the topic of PD has never come up.

In my situation they are in contact regularly and I am the only one who has limited contact. They do not agree with my self protection. To be fair I've never owned up to the fact that I have by choice limited contact. I only started "doing my boundaries"  by taking care of my own self in my own life, individuating, and that in itself threw the whole PD system out of orbit and their universe was destroyed. When I retired my caretaking enmeshed role of course massive Hoover's of all sorts ensued from outright rage to complete waifing. I responded to none of it and stayed on my path doing nothing out of the ordinary except not giving them the attention and taking care of my own very real needs and life.

The reason I share all of that is because unfortunately since my siblings were not at the center of my universe and didn't have my full attention for all their life drama they're filled with resentment toward me. My kind words and caring thoughts I extend are simply not enough. Unless I sacrifice my very soul and live my life with them as the center I am worthless and not enough in their eyes.

Because the whole PD universe was disrupted things shifted in their world as well and they've become more enmeshed. So they can see the craziness but they became enmeshed with it.

My point is being OOTF - really OOTF - is very different than understanding an unhealthy situation exists. To me my siblings are still very much in the fog because even though they see an unhealthy situation they are not on a healing journey of their own.

Plus because our own relationship has shifted it makes me very sad we don't have the closeness we once did. it makes me terribly sad and I'm still working through some of that grief and sadness myself. Some of the stuff Karla McLaren has written about grief and sadness is helping. She has a pretty good blog that might help you too.
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Re: Sibling relationships
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2020, 07:38:55 PM »
wow this one hit home.
I'm nc about 6months, vlc 2 years.

My younger brother and I grew up close. Maybe because I had to raise him. That's back when I was seen as "useful".

I moved out of the FOO house when I was 18 for school, and the next decade was... basically just my nmom bad mouthing me to the family. She used to say things like that I left them, abandoned them. She made my brother promise he wouldn't study outside of her city....I'm struggling to explain here because I just lack the terminology.

Fast forward to now,
my brother is an adult, living at home. A virgin. No friends, no career. Last I saw him a year ago, he was just angry and defensive and said some bizarrely offensive things. This sweet positive boy was suddenly a baby faced man who threw the r-word around even though he "had" a job in social work at the time. Tbh it just made me sad to be around him so I never invited him back.

Now that I'm fully nc with foo, brother occasionally sends those flying monkey "how are u" texts, clearly because nmom told him to. I can tell he doesn't care to text me. I'm not sure why he's mad at me. He sent a "HBD" text on my birthday, only after my nmom tried to call and text and got nowhere. My enabler dad doesn't even bother any more.

They all hate me because I escaped.
I feel so awful for my brother and father. It hurts to know I can't help them.

Someone in this post or the last one I read, replied to a poster by saying that this person is trying to get the foo to acknowledge their hurt and console them, which will never happen.  I think I'm stuck there too. I keep going over the things I'd say, but that conversation in my head goes in circles because I feel like I can predict the response, and its never good or worthwhile.

My partner is now encouraging me to try vlc because the inheritance will all go to my brother and if so all my pain would have been "for nothing". He doesn't get it. I don't want their family's legacy. The brother clearly needs it more anyway.




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Re: Sibling relationships
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2020, 10:34:54 AM »
There is only me and my younger sister.  Sis was Nmom's golden child.  I suffered physical and mental abuse as well as inappropriate sexual stuff that I don't know how to define. When I escaped home at 17 to go to college, sis got all the crap-ton of stuff I'd dealt with my whole life and it was too much for her. She probably had a nervous breakdown, married the first man to agree, got in a heap of legal trouble, went to prison and has been out and in society for 15 + years now. She and I are like friendly acquaintances. We both acknowledge the hell that was our growing up, but we don't know how to connect on a deeper level.  I don't trust her, not because she's a bad person or anything, but because I have done loads of work on myself and she hasn't.  It's like speaking two different languages.  Really, the only time I hear from her is when she thinks I need to be doing more for mom (I'm poa and mom is in long-term care now). I wish her the best, but when mom passes, I don't know that we'll stay in touch, very much. It's weird and sad. All to say, I don't know that you should predicate your healing and progress on whether or not you can do so with your siblings. Sometimes, unfortunately, it is just not possible.  And, that is not your fault.  xoxo
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