Malingering?

[11JB68]

I can't tell if uocpdh is malingering or if his physical complaints are real. (Or possibly real but exaggerated?)
He treats me like a servant, always has.
He does tell me to tell him if something bothers me, at the time not later. I KNOW this doesn't go well. There's always an excuse, justification, circular argument etc, which ends with me apologizing.
Tonight he came in from smoking, came to the TV room and told me that I had spilled some sauce on the counter.
I looked at him, raised an eyebrow and said uh huh?
To which he said what? You want me to clean it up? Is that what you want? I said well... You ate the sauce... And you saw it..
So he went and wiped it up.
Then came the lectures and guilt trips.
His back hurts so much he can barely stand... Etc... Etc... "Do you have anything to say?" (Insert 11JB's apology here)
I just don't know... He's always had back problems.
Lately all he does is complain about his physical issues (yet won't try to exercise or stretch etc)
He can stand for 5-10 minutes 20 times a day to go p out to smoke... But not one extra minute to just wipe up a spill?
This is when I doubt myself... Have I lost empathy for him?? Or I is this really unrealistic, exaggerated symptoms to avoid helping out and to make me feel guilty/sorry for him??
Some days he will say his back is particularly bad (and will skip otherwise planned sex for example)... But tonight he had requested it and seemed fine... But can't wipe up a small spill?
I'm so confused...

[Spidernest]

first, your struggle with this is absolutely valid- bpdso also is a chronic complainer of medical ailments, but up until recently wouldn't do anything about it.

I don't think its that you've lost empathy here- I think you're trying to preserve your energy for things that are more worth your time. Its easy to MC about something that is a constant thing- my go to response has been "It seems like you're in a lot of pain. maybe stretching/a hot shower/some sleep/drinking some tea would help."

As far as addressing something in the moment- ugghhhhhh I so relate. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Last night when I was late and they were angry, they went off saying that they deserved to be happy and have a good evening cuddling with their girlfriend. THEY were the one that was mad. I did nothing. I did apologize for being later than anticipated, but then moved on to say "thanks" for making me dinner and tea (a control tactic for them). did I think it was stupid they were mad at me for staying out to have a conversation with a friend? Yes. Did I say so? No. Because that would make ME the bad person, and I don't need to JADE. It feels impossible to say "I don't like when this thing happens" when they find a way to make everything my fault!

I hope we both can work on this, or at least find a way to address some of the things that build up over time. Best of luck with your in pain H. In the end it doesn't matter if it's real or not- all that matters is that we don't react with a "OH MY GOD I'M SO SORRY HOW CAN I HELP."

[GettingOOTF]

My ex had a physical condition that causes him pain. There's no cure for it. Every single doctor he'd seen from when he was a kid told him the same thing. He needed to keep in shape and build up his muscles to support his joints. This is a very very simple thing to do. I paid for his gym membership and he is a grown man with education from a top school who understands how to manage his nutrition.

He gained so much weight while we were married and stopped working out. He was in constant pain so he lashed out at me and wasn't interested in doing things. Mostly things he didn't want to.

While he had a genuine issue he chose kit to manage it. He chose to use it to manipulate people around him in to doing things for him. He used it as an excuse not to do regular tasks that are required of people - like picking his clothes off the floor.

In my book if you are well enough to use the sauce you are well enough to clean up the spill. He wasn't in too much pain to walk over and tell you about the spill.

I know when you are in the thick of things it's hard to see these behaviors for what they are. Your husband is seeing how far he can push you. My ex did exactly the same to me.

[11JB68]

Gettingootf thank you. That is almost exactly how this feels to me....

[11JB68]

OMG. Again I wish I could post pics here. He went out around 10:30, just came back in around 12:50. With ds, hauling various heavy trash/debris in our yard, trimming hedges, taking apart our old grill, starting to demo our old swing set (on a ladder, using a hammer, bending over to pick up wood, etc) not a complaint it a groan of pain. I say there (I was told to watch/help if asked) thinking if this guy was on workers comp and I was an investigator he'd be back on the job tomorrow! This is a guy who guilt tripped me just 4 days ago because I asked him to wipe a spot of the kitchen counter ("I can barely stand... My back...")....
I am so angry right now.
As usual, he does what suits him. Today's jobs were manly and somehow not degrading to him so he was fine.

[Bowsy26]

11JB68:  Just so reminds me of my H, the need to complain and be a victim.  Mean old you, not wiping up the counter when he obviously was in too much pain to do so!!    And then the sudden ability to do something physical.   

After a few years of complaining, H got someone to do a knee replacement on him.  His original doctor (whom I went on the followup appt to see the results) said he had plenty of cartilage and wouldn't need knee surgery for 10 years at least.  During the months where H was searching for a doctor who would do this surgery, I noticed he only limped when there was someone he knew around.  So he limped if he went to church.  He limped when we went to a picnic where a coworker would also be.  But he walked just fine when we did a 2 to 3 mile hike.   

The night before his scheduled surgery, he actually took me to a "date night" at church where someone taught a couple of dances to those attending.  It was fun, but I was shocked H would want to do something like this.  So he limps in, limps around, makes a big deal about how hard it is to stand for any length of time.  Then he participates in the dance lessons with me.  He actually was "dipping" me for one of the dances.  Did he really think no one was going to take note of that???  Oh, he no longer attends that church anymore either. 

[tragedy or hope]

Ha! my unpdh describes his aches and pains by saying, "it feels like somebody hit his elbow with a hammer"... or whatever. It always someone doing something to him.

The clean up thing... if something is not suitable to him he will say, you know you left the milk out. Did you mean to leave the milk out? Did you want me to put it back? OR,
he will pick up the kitchen but leaves the dirty stuff, the drain which catches food particles etc.. for me. Always. He will not touch anything beneath his level of purpose in his own head. Sometimes he clogs it with so much stuff the water won't go down. It is disgusting but he will not put his hand in there to lift out the drain and empty it. In his head it is the lesser persons job.
He leaves a sticky mess but prides himself on emptying the dishwasher, making sure I see he has done it. Everything he has done is announced to me as if to say.. "see I did all of this, you did nothing. I am great you are lazy."

I do what I want when I want, if he wants to go ahead of me and do it, fine. I dont even care. It became a competition for awhile. till i figured it out.

You all know I could go on and on!

Games and more games they never end and the only one who seems to know the rules is them, that's how they become winners all the time.  whatever... they are exhausting.

[blunk]

And how was walking into an entirely different room to tell you about the spill any less strenuous?

Not necessarily related to an injury (more likely a hangover), but my bpdx would do similar things. I remember sitting on the couch doing schoolwork.....laptop in my lap, book open on the arm of the couch, highlighter in hand, quite obviously working while he was laying on the couch. All of a sudden, can you get me a drink of water? I just looked at him and blinked my eyes a few times in disbelief.

[11JB68]

Blunk - oh ,the 'can you get me....?' that happens ALL THE TIME.
I've been working from  home half time during COVID - and I am literally in my home office working and he stops by on his way out to smoke (going through the kitchen) to ask me to make him a coffee.
Constant. I am his servant.

[ICantThinkOfAName]

Yeah what is it with the can you do this etc...?  Maybe I'm weird but I rarely ask him to grab me a this or that.  Usually only if he is like right at the refrigerator and I don't want to push him out of the way to get what I need out.  He will even ask me, what time is it when he has his phone in hand.  Or the proverbial request to look something up when he is on his computer.  Yeah let me google that for you.  I often feel like a sous chef when we are in the kitchen together.  If he is cooking, it's like can you cut up this?  Can you grab me that?  Here use this knife.  When I cook, he is sitting in the recliner asleep.  I have finally discovered the joy of doing laundry while he cooks.

[11JB68]

Today he can't open a Ziploc bag.
Long story, ice maker broken forever, usually keep ice cubes in a plastic pitcher in the freezer. Needed the pitcher temporarily so put the cubes in a big Ziploc bag. Each time I go to get some the bag is open. When I put it back I zip it closed. Today h gets angry that I keep closing the bag. Because his back hurts and it's too much for him to put down his cup, use both hands to open the big and get I've etc.
Good grief.
Yet again he was fine doing his ocd smacking of the cigarette pack... And just a few minutes ago air drumming..

[tragedy or hope]

there seems to be a level of pettiness to their complaints. I am of the opinion it is the need for attention. Anything is fodder. i have tried to ignore a lot. I don't respond, so then I hear a fake response as if I said it. "Oh, did you hurt yourself?" Whatever. That too is meant to annoy. Yet, sometimes hours will go by when I have made a comment here or there and NOTHING is responded to. Let him get a boo boo and it's research and recovery time! Just breathe.

[GettingOOTF]

His behavior is very consistent. My ex was the same. It is about controlling you and getting your sympathy. He is putting himself in a position where you will feel obligated to stay and take care of him.

My ex also refused to take care of his health and did things the doctors told him not too. The risks of smoking are widely acknowledged and accepted by medical professionals and is regular people her he continues to indulge. I think that tells you all you need to know about his commitment to his health. Again my ex was the same way. At some point I came to see that he would never help himself and I started to ask myself why I was killing myself trying to help him.

[11JB68]

Getting Out of the FOG, he claims the smoking is partly my fault as he gets worse (more angry, cranky) when not smoking and then we fight more etc. For him to quit I need to agree to be supportive

[11JB68]

It's all about him doing what he wants to do.
This morning he didn't come out to help with yard work, his foot hurt too badly. At around one he says he wants out help cleaning/reorganizing the basement, just for an hour. Two hours. He moved his weight machine (with ds help), and his drum kit, and some other music stuff, while I cleaned. He spent a lot of time moving drum stuff around... Really worked up a sweat. Because this was important to him at the moment.
While down there I find one of his odd notes to himself... Different topic though...
Now he's back down there still organizing his stuff. Yeesh.

[SparkStillLit]

Oh yeah, h will redo his office on the regular, but a home repair? Fuggeddaboudit.

[11JB68]

And today he spent 3 hours more on the basement while I was at work. But then his excuse for getting cranky with me was partly that we can't stand in the kitchen and have a conversation, he's in too much pain.
??
Am I being 'played'??