Again with the sleep issues and arbitrary rules

11JB68 · July 08, 2020, 10:26:18 PM

He decides when we go to bed. He often wakes me up. He has requested that on work days I wake him up when I get up, so I do. Tonight he asked me to let him sleep tomorrow and wake him at s specific later time because he's been tired... What about when I'm tired?
Also... A few weeks ago his Dr said yes he can cheat and have pizza once a week. That was a Wednesday, we ordered pizza.
Next wed he says to me let's order pizza. I said I didn't feel like it. Big argument, his decision is Wednesday is now pizza night. So we've been doing that. Last night, Tuesday, he says let's get pizza... Me: but tomorrow is pizza night. He gets mad. He wants pizza tonight (tue)...ok....

notrightinthehead · July 09, 2020, 02:29:04 AM

He seems to get mad a lot

SparkStillLit · July 09, 2020, 07:22:23 AM

Mad is their default setting.

Spidernest · July 09, 2020, 07:50:28 AM

Mine does this too- only they get up around 4:30 and then get annoyed when I want to sleep in!

Lately they've been working on "dream work" so they've been taking some sleep aids, which is helpful, but a few weeks ago it got to the point where I was so sleep deprived I wasn't able to focus at work and would cry most of the day. I had a conversation with them letting them know that I couldn't live like this- they've been better in general trying to understand my needs, but I think it's because they realize I am not useful to them if I can't keep myself together.

Arbitrary rules are the worst, especially when they keep changing. Honestly I usually let that slide because I KNOW confrontation will only result in them attempting to gaslight me. (NO, we agreed THIS DAY was the day for this thing.... etc.)

Best of luck to you- you're not alone.

11JB68 · July 09, 2020, 12:05:19 PM

Spark..
You took the words our of my mouth, that is exactly what I was going to say to not right!
Default is angry.

11JB68 · July 09, 2020, 12:07:48 PM

Spidernest, it too me so long to start to realize that his "logic" is not logic and that his "rules' are arbitrary.
He insists that if we just learn the rules and follow them all will be fine, but it's an impossible task.

Xyz · July 09, 2020, 05:29:00 PM

Something I read in Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That":

"He's not abusive because he's angry; he's angry because he's abusive."

Mary · July 09, 2020, 11:43:41 PM

I'm having issues with getting locked out of the bedroom if he goes to bed before me. Boundary ideas anyone?

Spidernest · July 10, 2020, 11:16:33 AM

Quote from: Mary on July 09, 2020, 11:43:41 PM
I'm having issues with getting locked out of the bedroom if he goes to bed before me. Boundary ideas anyone?

Mary,
Do you have an alternative space that you can sleep in? I'm sure that if you approached the subject, they would simply say that you need to learn to go to bed when you are supposed to. By creating another, perhaps more desirable space to sleep (if at all possible) you can make it clear that it is unnecessary for you to have access to your bedroom to get a good night sleep. I know this option isn't available for everyone. An alternate option might be to get a key made, or perhaps replace the doorknob with one that doesnt lock.

Mary · July 19, 2020, 11:02:19 PM

Yes, I just needed to take the courage to use it without guilt. He looked at me very shocked and said, "You're really serious about this (quiet room at bedtime) aren't you?" I said yes and spent the night in the very comfy guest bedroom. The next day, it brought on a lengthy hour- long lecture about me not valuing time together as a couple relaxing before bed (among other complaints). I was able to get in a few words edgewise letting him know my sleep needs. I showed him I was listening to his concerns and allowed him to have the last word.
But I had set a boundary, and it has made all the difference. He is turning off his phone when I'm ready for lights out...or I'm headed to the guest bedroom for the night. It's such a relief to get a goodnight of sleep!!!