sister always at the center of attention

[gj438]

Hello !
I hope it is the right place to post this.

I was abused by a boyfriend with undiagnosed schizoid PD and then a co-worker with uNPD. With the help of my therapist I understood that my difficulties in setting boundaries came from my toxic family environment. One of the feature of this weird family environment is the behaviour of one of my sisters, and I wonder if she has a PD. I don't want to fall in a pattern where I see PD everywhere, and at the same time I think that if I had experiences in my early adult age with two people with PD it must come from somewhere. That's why I'd like to ask for advice or support, even though I know this won't replace professional help.

Here it is. My younger sister has to be in the center of attention. She dresses fancy/seductive even in a familiar context, she strikes poses even when we are just talking casually together, she behaves a bit like a drama queen. This is ok, I can accept that although it can be annoying. The problem is that she takes the whole space, she speaks all the time about herself, her experience, her decisions, etc etc. And she is never there to listen. As we were children, she would suddenly make fun of my appearance and then when I would react, she would say "oh please, don't make such a fuss, you are bipolar" and then get angry at me. And she is really good at making people work for her and do things for her that they shouldn't.

She is  currently visiting me in my city (we don't live together anymore). And since we know it can be explosive between us, we established some rules. She was the one suggesting that, so I was enthusiastic. But it turns out that the rules are there to protect her and only her ! Yesterday she made fun of my appearance again and I tried not to react, because of "The Rules", I just told her calmly that is was not really ok. She made it a second time. So I feel like each time she does something that is not ok, she reminds me of "The Rules" so that I can't react. "The Rules" are there to stop me from expressing anger, but not to stop her from doing her weird stuff.

Today we were talking calmly of the problem of boundaries in our family. I told her that there was something she had done that didn't respect my boundaries. She then used big words and pompous sentences and dramatised everything to turn the situation around and to say indirectly I had been the one who was selfish. And to add more weight to that, she compared her situation with a situation that she knows had been one of the most painful experiences in my life. At that point I stopped JADEing, and she said "see ? You can't say anything, it means I was right." ok whatever...

This is certainly not the worst that happened between us, but I needed to vent that. I don't know what to think of this, what I know is that she draws my energy. I think I'll go LC because I can't stand these things anymore.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Welcome gj438 🙂

It does sound like PD tendencies...though as someone else in the group told me, tendencies are just as harmful as a diagnosis. So it ultimately doesn't matter!

If she's hurting you then that's wrong - That behavior would certainly hurt me. Those double standard rules sound awful and a lot like tone policing. You have a right to be angry at unfair treatment and those rules were established to keep you in a position where she can take what she wants from you without giving back, which is a PD tendency too.

[PeanutButter]

I agree with distancenotdefense!

Welcome gj438 🙂

It does sound like PD tendencies...though as someone else in the group told me, tendencies are just as harmful as a diagnosis. So it ultimately doesn't matter!

If she's hurting you then that's wrong - That behavior would certainly hurt me. Those double standard rules sound awful and a lot like tone policing. You have a right to be angry at unfair treatment and those rules were established to keep you in a position where she can take what she wants from you without giving back, which is a PD tendency too.

I think that her rules wont matter so much if you can enforce boundaries around this 'making fun' of you when you do have contact with her. You can decide how best to go about that. https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries IMO An example would be "I am hurt when you make fun of me so I dont want to expose myself to that anymore" if she does it again you can leave the room, walk away, leave the restaurant, hang up the phone, not respond to text or email etc.

There was no need to continue to jade to her that is good that you stopped.

If she is not trying to have a reciprocal relationship with you, and is trying to place herself in a 'power over' you position as DistanceNotDefense mentions, then you obeying' her rules for you is only going to make the situation worse by enabling her disordered behaviors.

I found it a great success when I learned the top100traits https://outofthefog.website/traits because then I could easily recognise and name behaviors that are unacceptable to me in my relationships. When I notice a behavior I will name it to myself, then I observe but dont absorb the negativity, and try to decide how to respond instead of reacting. (very hard but its a work in progress)

If your S made up a rule for you that you could no longer get mad when she makes fun of you, then later makes fun of you not once but twice, it sounds like 'baiting' https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/30/baiting. Idk of course this is just a guess based on the very small snapshot I have of what happened, but ideally you could pick out these behaviors and name them yourself in the future.

Im glad you are a part of this community. You may see that this is what happens for alot of us. We eventually see that unhealthy behaviors/traits are a common theme in our relationships and show up in many aspects of our lives. Its alot to unpack. Once you 'see' you can't ''unsee'.

[gj438]

Thank you so much for your replies, it was very helpful !

DistancenotDefense: thank you for this sentence :

tendencies are just as harmful as a diagnosis.

PeanutButter: I really appreciate your writing style, now that I understand better how it is meant !
This was a very helpful advice :

I found it a great success when I learned the top100traits because then I could easily recognise and name behaviors that are unacceptable to me in my relationships. When I notice a behavior I will name it to myself, then I observe but dont absorb the negativity, and try to decide how to respond instead of reacting. (very hard but its a work in progress)

.

[PeanutButter]

 
Thank you. Im glad.
We are all different yet the same IME.
This is my first online community so I may be more different in that aspect.
I am helped by sharing parts of me that I hid for a very long time in shame. I am very helped by hearing others experiences that are similar in some way.
Thank you for doing that sharing!

[radish9000]

Hi gj438. I know exactly how you feel. Having been at the bottom of a 4-sibling family. The remarks never end. Personally I am working towards cutting contact with the entire family. She sounds so similar to my brother, and also my sisters (though they have mellowed somewhat in recent years). The complete lack of respect. I could only treat a person like she's treating you if I truly hated them, and I never have done that, so why do they act like that? At least she lives in a different city, that must be a relief.