Feelings about estranged PD parent dying

[raindrop]

I haven't been here for a long time as I've been getting a lot from my local ACoA support group.
Long story short I went NC/VvvvvLC with N/BPDmum and shortly thereafter LC with enDad.
Mum got cancer and I went to see her once or twice over the last year as she declined and some other important family stuff happened.
The latest hospitalisation she declined very quickly, I went to see her two nights ago and spoke to her. Then last night I went again and she was basically just passed out and then she died a few hours after I left.
I have a lot of emotions. She sent me some really kind messages towards the end but I was sort of past the point of being able to believe her, but now I wonder if on some level she did love me.
But then she said to me that women should visit their mothers each week to ensure they live a long life, so basically blaming me. So.. yeah.
I feel sad and angry I had such a crap mum, I feel guilty I couldn't make her happy and guilty I didn't visit more towards the end, sad for her and her ruined life, sad I didn't tell her some of the good memories I had, but also part of me is proud because I had integrity and lived out my truth without being unkind. I also feel relieved, and grief because even though it was mostly in a bad way, this woman shaped and dominated my entire life and now she's gone. It's hard to comprehend.

I was wondering for those who have lost an estranged or semi estranged parent, what has your experience been?

Much love to all, especially during this covid time.
Raindrop

[blacksheep7]

I haven't been here for a long time as I've been getting a lot from my local ACoA support group.
Long story short I went NC/VvvvvLC with N/BPDmum and shortly thereafter LC with enDad.
Mum got cancer and I went to see her once or twice over the last year as she declined and some other important family stuff happened.
The latest hospitalisation she declined very quickly, I went to see her two nights ago and spoke to her. Then last night I went again and she was basically just passed out and then she died a few hours after I left.
I have a lot of emotions. She sent me some really kind messages towards the end but I was sort of past the point of being able to believe her, but now I wonder if on some level she did love me.
But then she said to me that women should visit their mothers each week to ensure they live a long life, so basically blaming me. So.. yeah.
I feel sad and angry I had such a crap mum, I feel guilty I couldn't make her happy and guilty I didn't visit more towards the end, sad for her and her ruined life, sad I didn't tell her some of the good memories I had, but also part of me is proud because I had integrity and lived out my truth without being unkind. I also feel relieved, and grief because even though it was mostly in a bad way, this woman shaped and dominated my entire life and now she's gone. It's hard to comprehend.

I was wondering for those who have lost an estranged or semi estranged parent, what has your experience been?

Much love to all, especially during this covid time.
Raindrop

Sorry for your loss raindrop.

I haven't been through that experience yet but the day will come for me also.

I am nc three years now, second and last time. 

You said it well, you kept your integrity and remained kind.   That is very honorable.  There is no reason for you to feel guilty IMO.  You did the best you could.

The anger is NORMAL, telling us something is not right.

They love us but unfortunately it is only measured by the way we serve their needs.  We must not forget that PD narcs lack empathy.

I had Rage when I came Out of the FOG and went nc the first time.  I didn't seek help at that time, paid the consequences of my mental and physical health.  I  expressed my disappointments by phone with much anger when I spoke to NM the last time but I  remained  polite/kind.   I know that it did not change her opinion of me (Black Sheep/bad girl) it only enforced it.   I do not regret that one bit, a chip off my shoulder was lifted.

Take care

[JenniferSmith]

I'm sorry for your loss.

It sounds like you are in the process of sorting out a lot of different emotions about your mom and your relationship with her.  Given who she was, and who you are, I'm not surprised about this. Each of us can only try our best to find a way to cope with these very challenging people in our lives. There is no perfect way.

Let yourself feel whatever feelings you're feeling and just allow those to be what they are. They don't need to make sense, or follow a pattern, or be "right" or "wrong"  - they are just your feelings and they are going to represent all of the complexity of the relationship you had with your mom.  If you are angry one day, be angry, if you need to cry another day, then cry. This is how grief works even for people who didn't have such a difficult relationship with the person who died, and its going to be even more intense for folks like us.

Be gentle with yourself. (((hugs)))

[chowder]

Hi, Raindrop,

I lost my mom a couple of years after going NC with both her and my dad.  There was a history of her setting me up, pitting me against my sister, playing games, lying, setting me up, manipulating - which was the way she had grown up.  She was one of four sisters, and there was always a rift among them, never all getting along at the same time.  I could never understand why she wanted to drive a wedge with her only two daughters (and my dad tolerated it), but she did.   She was very insecure on so many levels.

When she passed, it was an odd mix of feelings.  As final as NC is, there was more finality with her passing - now it was absolutely certain that that phone would never ring with her on the other end.  Not that I expected that, ever, and it never occurred to me during NC.  But after she was gone, that door was closed completely.  I guess there was always that possibility that someday things might be different - a feeling that I wasn't even aware of consciously, because I was living my truth.

You will go through many feelings, and whatever they are, it is okay.   I had weird feelings, and what helped was the contact I had maintained with her sisters (my aunts) who understood exactly what we were going through in our own ways with our own experiences.   It was sad, because my mom's own behavior is what led to the rifts...though you could never convince her of that.   (She criticized my husband and called him names to my face - what did she *expect* would happen?  She's the one who instilled the integrity in me, right?) 

Eventually, the pendulum swung back to a balance of healthy memories, along with accurate recollections of her shortcomings.   This took time.  She's gone for many years now, and I am able to shake my head at some of the things she did that made no sense, even were harmful.  I am also able to enjoy a chuckle at something that only she would have appreciated.  I may look to the heavens and enjoy that fleeting moment, thinking how she'd enjoy that particular joke, moment or memory that we shared from long ago.

You will be okay through this.  Perhaps it will be one step forward, two steps back at some points.  It's all part of the process.   You were kind to visit her, and give yourself credit for that.  And eventually you do come through with appropriate recollections...perhaps even a wistful smile now and again.

I am sorry for your loss, and wish you peace and comfort.  Be gentle with yourself, now more than ever.

[raindrop]

Hi, Raindrop,

I lost my mom a couple of years after going NC with both her and my dad.  There was a history of her setting me up, pitting me against my sister, playing games, lying, setting me up, manipulating - which was the way she had grown up.  She was one of four sisters, and there was always a rift among them, never all getting along at the same time.  I could never understand why she wanted to drive a wedge with her only two daughters (and my dad tolerated it), but she did.   She was very insecure on so many levels.

When she passed, it was an odd mix of feelings.  As final as NC is, there was more finality with her passing - now it was absolutely certain that that phone would never ring with her on the other end.  Not that I expected that, ever, and it never occurred to me during NC.  But after she was gone, that door was closed completely.  I guess there was always that possibility that someday things might be different - a feeling that I wasn't even aware of consciously, because I was living my truth.

You will go through many feelings, and whatever they are, it is okay.   I had weird feelings, and what helped was the contact I had maintained with her sisters (my aunts) who understood exactly what we were going through in our own ways with our own experiences.   It was sad, because my mom's own behavior is what led to the rifts...though you could never convince her of that.   (She criticized my husband and called him names to my face - what did she *expect* would happen?  She's the one who instilled the integrity in me, right?) 

Eventually, the pendulum swung back to a balance of healthy memories, along with accurate recollections of her shortcomings.   This took time.  She's gone for many years now, and I am able to shake my head at some of the things she did that made no sense, even were harmful.  I am also able to enjoy a chuckle at something that only she would have appreciated.  I may look to the heavens and enjoy that fleeting moment, thinking how she'd enjoy that particular joke, moment or memory that we shared from long ago.

You will be okay through this.  Perhaps it will be one step forward, two steps back at some points.  It's all part of the process.   You were kind to visit her, and give yourself credit for that.  And eventually you do come through with appropriate recollections...perhaps even a wistful smile now and again.

I am sorry for your loss, and wish you peace and comfort.  Be gentle with yourself, now more than ever.

Thank you, Chowder for sharing your experience. My mother did the same kind of things in life. I love the gentleness and peace you have now found. Your message made me feel hope for the same resolution.

Sorry for your loss raindrop. 

You said it well, you kept your integrity and remained kind.   That is very honorable.  There is no reason for you to feel guilty IMO.  You did the best you could.

The anger is NORMAL, telling us something is not right.

They love us but unfortunately it is only measured by the way we serve their needs.  We must not forget that PD narcs lack empathy.

I had Rage when I came Out of the FOG and went nc the first time.  I didn't seek help at that time, paid the consequences of my mental and physical health.  I  expressed my disappointments by phone with much anger when I spoke to NM the last time but I  remained  polite/kind.   I know that it did not change her opinion of me (Black Sheep/bad girl) it only enforced it.   I do not regret that one bit, a chip off my shoulder was lifted.

Take care

Thank you Black Sheep. Yes, the love was about what I could give, and it was never enough.
I'm glad you could speak your truth with your own mother.

. 
Let yourself feel whatever feelings you're feeling and just allow those to be what they are. They don't need to make sense, or follow a pattern, or be "right" or "wrong"  - they are just your feelings and they are going to represent all of the complexity of the relationship you had with your mom.  If you are angry one day, be angry, if you need to cry another day, then cry. This is how grief works even for people who didn't have such a difficult relationship with the person who died, and its going to be even more intense for folks like us.

Be gentle with yourself. (((hugs)))

Thank you Jennifee that is good advice.

[raindrop]

I wrote a poem I wanted to share because I figure you guys might understand. This is the first draft but I think it captures the feeling ok.

Balance
Imagine a balance
Or a see-saw
With a boulder resting on one side.
You are pushing down on the other
To even out the beam,
Pushing with your whole self, muscles
Shaking.

Or imagine you are trying to pull free
a rope
Or length of fabric trapped
In the earth under a mountainous rock,
Leaning back, digging in your heels,
Straining.

Imagine
You have been doing this for months
Years
Longer than you can remember
So long you don't remember
Or pay mind to the effort.

Then the fabric snaps
The boulder disappears.

The weight of the world changes.
You lose your footing,
Hit the earth with a thud
Of bruising flesh
As you try to make sense
Of a dense absence.

That is what it was like
When my mother died
And I realised all my striving had been anchored to her.

Now the heavy threat of her
Is replaced
By a disorienting weightlessness
And I am left sitting
Exhausted
As the trembling leaves my bones.

No need to keep pushing and pulling
As though the rock is still there.
Rest now.
Rebalance.

[Ariel]

What is the acoc group

[raindrop]

Sorry typo. ACoA stands for adult children of alcoholics. It's a 12 step group. I've found it helpful.

[Adria]

Dear Raindrop,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. 

I have been through this being NC for nearly 30 years.  Nobody told me when my mother passed, but I found out she was sick, so called her before the end.  I commend you for everything you did for your mother. I don't think you will ever regret that.

There are so many emotions that come with a situation like this.  At first, I was totally numb, for months didn't let myself cry because I think there was much relief knowing she couldn't lie about me anymore.  I did, however, go back to my home town and search for her grave, placed a rose on it,  said, "I love you and forgive you." 

I was hurt, angry, sad, upset, regretful, relieved, despondent, anxious, reflective, you name it. It took a very long time to process it, maybe because I didn't give it much energy in the beginning.  Probably because I hadn't seen her in 30 years. After we parted ways, they made sure that was the end of our relationship no matter how much I tried with them. 

Please don't feel bad for any emotions, thoughts or feelings you have.  Try not to analyze them too much.  It is a culmination of everything you have been through.  Should've , would've, could've comes easy in these situations, but in all reality, you handled things the best way you could at the time.
Like others have said, it will take awhile, but eventually you will be able to appreciate the good parts of your mother and maybe even empathize with some of the bad, understanding she probably did the best she could do in some circumstances as well.  I didn't think it could ever happen, but now, when I hear a song she used to sing, I smile and can appreciate some of the domestic talents she had that I don't. 

You did the best you could. Like you said, you lived out your truth and integrity without being unkind. That is something very special you can say about yourself and to yourself when the ghosts try to haunt your mind.  Go with your feelings neither judging them right nor wrong. Be kind to yourself and be patient with yourself for awhile.  Everything will eventually fall back into place.  I love your poem.  It says it all. Hugs, Adria

[Blue233]

Hi Raindrop

My father died while we were estranged.  Rather, he committed suicide while we were estranged.

My entire life, my father made zero effort to get to know me as a person.  He was never loving or kind to me.  After my mother's death from cancer, our relationship worsened.  He was abusive to us as children, and began to be abusive to me again after my mother's death.  I started to withdraw and go low contact.  This ended up causing him to do a smear campaign against me, get my brothers on his side, abuse me through them, and basically became too much so I went fully no contact.  A year after that, he killed himself.

One of my brothers tried to blame it on me (nice try, but no).  I had already been in therapy for over a year and was in a good place when he died.  I had already grieved the father I never had.  His passing, while initially a bit of a shock and sad for me, truly ended what had been a year of agony over whether he would contact me ever again to mend our relationship.  He never did.  He abandoned me (and not the other way around, I had actually tried to have an open dialog with him to work on our relationship, he rejected it). 

So basically, with my father there was no relationship to grieve.  I felt only relief that he was gone and couldn't harm me anymore.  My brothers also would stop abusing me on his behalf.  It was sweet relief.  His death gave me closure and I could stop hoping and wishing for what never would be.  It started me on a better, more final path to healing than the year of therapy gave me.  I feel better today (6 months after his death) than I did shortly before his death while being 1 year no contact. 

Now my mother I actually loved, her death was hard on me.  I cried in the shower ever day for about a year.  She had some narc traits, but wasn't full blown.  Our relationship got better before her death.

But my father, nope.  He was never a father to me anyways.  His death brought relief.

I hope you can find healing from your narc mom as well.  I truly believe our healing comes from accepting that our parents were incapable of being true parents, not blaming ourselves for their dysfunction, and then forging our own path in our lives. 

I truly feel at this point, my father lost out on having an amazing relationship with a daughter who loved him dearly.  That's his loss, not mine.  I did the best I could.  But once he put the nail in the coffin and refused to work on our relationship as an adult, that made it final for me to walk away.

All your emotions are normal given the situation.  Be gentle on yourself.  Do things that help soothe you and make you feel better.  It gets better, I promise.

[raindrop]

Adria and Blue, thank you both for sharing your stories and insights. They mean so much, I'm truly grateful

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi raindrop,

Thank you for sharing your poem. And your experience of this loss. I have not been through this and I appreciated what you shared a lot. So thank you and hugs.

Trees

[raindrop]

Hi raindrop,

Thank you for sharing your poem. And your experience of this loss. I have not been through this and I appreciated what you shared a lot. So thank you and hugs.

Trees

Thank you for saying so, Trees, and I'm glad you resonated with what I posted

[raindrop]

The funeral was yesterday. My enDad gave this big speech about how wonderful she was and what a wonderful mum she was. It was awful. I am so angry that the family won't acknowledge what she did and how harmful it was. People kept telling me she was such a lovely generous woman - thatstnot the woman I was raised by. She was racist, vindictive, jealous, spiteful, prone to unpredictable rages, controlling, manipulative, verbally abusive, boundary-violating and self-centred.

I desperately need to start telling the truth.
Luckily, a couple of family friends after the funeral have made a couple of comments, so I might try to chase them up a bit more. I want to find out what they knew. Did they know how terrible it was for us growing up?? some of my friends were there who knew a bit about what happened as well. So it wasn't an out and out waste, but it was difficult.

One thing I liked was that I got to help lower her body into the grave. I don't know why but it was satisfying... Like closure maybe? Finality? Putting soil in there was nice too.

I think I'm done being angry with her. I mean, she's dead so what's the point? But I'm now angry at all the people who bought her bs.