Mom dying want to write letter to maybe fix this before she dies

[Adrianna]

I'm so sorry about the passing of your father. And now this with your mother on top of it. It's a lot to handle and it's ok to feel overwhelmed. Self care is important. So many of us grew up codependent trying to please the pd parent that we are only now learning what self care is all about.

I will tell you, finally in your heart accepting that your parent will never change, never turn into someone who values you, loves you, appreciates you....it's extremely difficult. We by nature want to believe they care. I mean isn't that what parents are supposed to do? Even now, I'm almost there but I still get tripped up once in a while, still get disappointed over some outrageously hurtful thing my father does. The thing is now it happens less frequently. I expect nothing from him, no kindness, no concern, no love. He doesn't have it to give. Sounds like your mother doesn't either.  I know he tells people I don't like him and he's right. I love him as a human being but like him, I do not. I want what's best for him but spending time with him, I will not unless necessary.  Your mother appears to be damaging to your well-being (as my father is to mine) and unless she has a change of personality due to some brain disorder that won't change. People die as they lived.

I too would get off the phone just dumbfounded, like what just happened here. You start with good intentions and it quickly turns into a nightmare. She will not see your side, ever, if she has a true pd. They are resistant to change, can't self reflect and almost never take responsibility for their actions. In fact, they project that blame onto others every chance they get.

It's been said before and it's true that we as adults need to heal those childhood wounds. Whatever love you wish she had for you, give it to yourself. Appreciate the fact that you can love, you have empathy and you are a good person no matter what she says. It's hard always trying to be the peacemaker in dysfunctional families. We often grow up with too much empathy, reflexes like a tiger at the first sign of an argument, and the overwhelming desire to please people so we can get validation that yes, we matter.

I'm not sure if you're in therapy but I would suggest it to help work through this stuff. I've been going for almost two years. It helps.

Hugs to you! Hang in there.

[PinkFreud]

Dear Ariel,
My heart hurts so bad for you and what you're going through. I lost my Dad in late 2011. He was the good parent, but I was left with the uBPD "mother". I feel like you need to write your letter, even if you never send it. It's important that you put your anguish into words, but sending it would probably fall on deaf ears. As someone else said, "A hallmark of the disorder is a total inability to admit mistakes or self reflect." Truer words were never spoken! Write your letter, but share it only with those who support and love you!

[Ariel]

Thanks for the support . Let's just say it sucks having a mom like mine . She called left a voicemail mail saying my sister is brainwashing her into believing she is the only one who is and was there and that she should get everything. She said my sister orchestrated everything and wants everything for herself. But my mom never said sorry or took responsibility for her actions. She is still the victim. I called her she is still woe is me , all about her no responsibility for her actions. No empathy for me. She wouldn't let her unemployed, pregnant granddaughter who was beaten by her husband come live with her. She won't take outside help. She is horrible and I'm done. Maybe there is a reason, I know she was neglected and abused but I'm sorry I can't fix her and I can't take it . Thanks for your support

[raindrop]

Oh Ariel,
How heartbreaking. Having a parent die without ever having said sorry or acknowledged the hurt, still behaving badly at the very end... It's awful.

Don't listen to any guilt that comes up about the sadness of her life - like you said, you can't control that, but you owe it to yourself to be on your own side.

Lots of love to you ❤️❤️

[PeanutButter]

Im so sorry for this very painful time you are going through.

IMO turn on the compassion for yourself as much as you can. You are a valuable unique individual. You deserve unconditional love and it is your right to be cared about without having to 'earn' it in any way!

One thought that came to my mind when I read this

Thanks for the support . Let's just say it sucks having a mom like mine . She called left a voicemail mail saying my sister is brainwashing her into believing she is the only one who is and was there and that she should get everything. She said my sister orchestrated everything and wants everything for herself. But my mom never said sorry or took responsibility for her actions. She is still the victim. I called her she is still woe is me , all about her no responsibility for her actions. No empathy for me. She wouldn't let her unemployed, pregnant granddaughter who was beaten by her husband come live with her. She won't take outside help. She is horrible and I'm done. Maybe there is a reason, I know she was neglected and abused but I'm sorry I can't fix her and I can't take it . Thanks for your support

It strikes me as 'off' that M has this level of awareness of the "brainwashing" by S, but is still influenced by it?

IME when one is under the control of someone who is manipulative "brainwashing" the influence would decrease as awareness is increased.

Most 'brainwashed' people would have no idea they are brainwashed. IME a brainwashed person wouldn't say: "I know Im being brainwashed but because Im brainwashed I believe what Im being brainwashed to believe."

Now this opinion is based on Im only getting a very small snapshot of this dynamic that you shared so I could be way off. IDK

[Ariel]

Peanut butter, you're right she is not brainwashed she is just dumping responsibility for her actions on someone else. She gets mad at my sister and then blames her. They made up so my sister is golden again

[PeanutButter]

IMO you can benefit youself greatly by not responding to you M's manipulations of you especially if she is specifically trying to distract you and deflect S is manipulating her.
An example imo: "Well M im sorry to hear that but that is between you and S and im going to stay out of it." Change subject.
Good luck.