Ocpd, dementia, FOG, funeral, COVID

Sidney37 · July 11, 2020, 05:08:36 PM

I typically post about my family. MIL has had OCPD symptoms , but she's never been big on direct guilt tripping. She's just overly caught up in crazy rules and everyone following them no matter what. She now has diagnosed Alzheimer's. In the middle of this covid mess FIL passed. Our state was on lockdown and their state limited funeral attendees to 10 people from in state. Now their state has a high number of cases and is probably going to lock down again. MIL is very upset that we haven't visited. She is now directly guilt tripping DH during his weekly phone call that she can't properly mourn her husband (DH's father) until we come to visit. She can't finish mourning until we come. It's very OCPD and very much a rule that she has regarding mourning that can't be changed. aaauuugh:

Now if this were my PDm, I'd cut her off and probably limit calls or stop calling but she's NPD. OCPD is different. But this is also someone with diagnosed dementia. I'm angry for DH that he's getting guilt tripped weekly that he is responsible for her stages of mourning. I am high risk. His relatives don't seem to be taking the virus seriously. Do you change how you respond when the PD has never guilt tripped like this and now has dementia?

Associate of Daniel · July 11, 2020, 05:40:32 PM

All of that is tough enough without Covid restrictions. I'm sorry you and your DH are going through this.

I've been pondering a similar question for a month or so.

My mum has suddenly decended into psychotic behaviour and is being very abusive to my dad. She has been verbally abusive to him for maybe 18 months but it has become much worse in recent months.

She is a highly intelligent, very articulate, widely read lady and these behaviours are very uncharacteristic of her.

They in many ways line up with dementia but all tests have come back clear.

I've been wondering if setting boundries would be detrimental to her healing. If Dad walking away when she's abusive would break her mind even further.

I'd be interested to see the responses you receive to your questions. I'm sorry I'm not much help.

AOD

SunnyMeadow · July 12, 2020, 08:31:29 AM

Sidney, that's quite the guilt trip from your MIL! That would make me very angry too. Your dh is mourning his father's loss too and it's sad that MIL can't take this into consideration as well. As for visiting, you certainly don't need to go. She doesn't need you there so she can properly mourn

And if your dh goes, he could bring back covid! What a sad and tough situation.

Associate of Daniel, your mother's psychotic and abusive behavior is very concerning. I've noticed some covert abuse my uNPDmom is doing to my dad. He just shrugged his shoulders when I pointed it out to him.

I've been looking up diseases that my mother might have (and how much longer this will go on) and one thing I keep reading about in the elderly is undiagnosed UTIs. If there are behavioral changes in elderly, it often seems to be the culprit. I found this:

Altered Mental status is often the only symptom of UTI's in the elderly. This change in mental status is frequently mistaken as early stages of dementia. Behaviors demonstrated may be increased confusion, agitation, hallucinations, increased aggression, falls, and poor motor skills and dizziness.

Just a thought, I keep the UTI thing in mind for my mother because this abuse of my dad is a new one. She's always seemed to hate him but not this sly, increased abuse and rage.

Sidney37 · July 12, 2020, 09:10:22 AM

Sunny meadow. As someone who has been here for years, has read so much about boundaries and have worked so hard on avoiding the FOG, it set off all of my alerts for guilt. DH keeps giving her the Alzheimer's pass, but there have been many other PD signs for years. I just keep hearing her say that we are responsible for her grief recovery and mourning. I just want to shout "NO!"! DH is not responsible for her mourning stages. It's just so PD to me.

I agree that UTIs can cause behavioral changes. She might need a visit to the doctor.

SunnyMeadow · July 12, 2020, 09:28:37 AM

I would feel the exact same way Sidney! How dare she guilt you two about being responsible for her recovery. These people do so much damage.

And the guilt, I get it! I've been here for years, read a ton, should really know better yet I still have guilt. I can't find a way to stop it. They know how to push those buttons.

I debated telling my uNPDmom about my child coming for a quick visit. This child doesn't want to see her. But my mother has infiltrated everyone's social media and I had a vision of her seeing something about this visit and her starting WWIII because I didn't tell her. I'm in my 50's for crying out loud!! I shouldn't have this guilt but I can't get rid of it. It's maddening.

PeanutButter · July 12, 2020, 11:14:02 AM

Im very sorry to all of you. What a painful dilemma.

I have not dealt with this personally. I did have just one thought though. If it doesn't apply please diregard this post immediately.

If it is dementia that you are dealing with then imo it would be even more imperative that you use your own understanding, thoughts, and beliefs in making your decision. Putting a person with dementia 'in charge' of deciding what is best for others would not be acceptable. Therefore ime you have no choice about this. You do not give in to her wishes because she has dementia.

Sidney37 · July 12, 2020, 11:47:11 AM

Thanks. We're definitely not giving in. We're not headed there any time soon. I just feel bad for DH who feels awful for hours after these calls due to the guilt trips. She's in the earlier stages of Alzheimer's - still living on her own and driving.

Associate of Daniel · July 12, 2020, 11:57:22 AM

Just a quick response re UTIs.

This was my first thought when mum went suddenly loopy over a month ago. She's been tested for all things physical - scans and bloods, including UTI. All negative.

Thanks, though.

AOD

PeanutButter · July 12, 2020, 12:40:34 PM

Quote from: Sidney37 on July 12, 2020, 11:47:11 AM
Thanks. We're definitely not giving in. We're not headed there any time soon. I just feel bad for DH who feels awful for hours after these calls due to the guilt trips. She's in the earlier stages of Alzheimer's - still living on her own and driving.

Yes that has to be incredibly painful for him on multiple levels! And you 'feel' and see his pain and that is incredibly painful for you!

practical · July 13, 2020, 02:07:35 PM

The only thing you can do is change how you responded or more accurately in this case your DH. Any way to make him see that this is her issue not his? Internalizing the saying "Not my circus not my monkeys" has done wonders for me. Another way to understand this is the 3R Rule from the Toolbox. Maybe it will help your DH. This is an issue and situation he has no control over, no responsibility for. You can only be guilty of something you actually did or didn't do, but he has done neither. Not fulfilling unreasonable requests in this situation is not the same as not doing something. Not going to see her in this situation is smart for you both and her and shows he Kares for her, even if she doesn't understand it. For whatever reason for her you visiting is part of her griefing ritual and I fear there is little you can do about it, it is also not your responsibility to do anything about it. Any point in suggesting she see a grief councelor? Many funeral homes offer such services now, maybe it is worth a try. Dementia with OCPD sounds like a tough combination, really sorry.