Feeding a martyr

[Sneezy]

For a couple weeks now, Mom has been strongly hinting that she's been craving a good hot dog.  So this is how it went down today:

Me - "Mom, the grill is ready, would you like a hot dog or a hamburger?"
Mom - "I can eat either."
Me - "Which would you prefer?"
Mom - "I'd prefer a hot dog, but only if you have enough."
Me - "We have plenty."
Mom - "No, really, I don't mind eating a hamburger if everyone else wants hot dogs."
Me - "No problem, we have plenty of both, so you can choose whichever you'd like."
Mom - "Ok, because if you need to use up the hamburgers, I can always take one of those."
Me - "Nope, your hot dog is on the grill."
Me - (ten minutes later) "Your hot dog is done, do you want a wheat roll or a white roll?"
Mom - "I'll take whatever no one else wants."
Me - "That's not an answer, do you want wheat or white?"
Mom - "I like wheat better, but white is fine."
Me - "Wheat it is."
Mom - (as I'm putting her hot dog in the bun) - "No, really, if you need to use up the white buns, I don't mind eating one."
Me - "Too late, you got wheat."
Me - (because I'm a glutton for punishment) - "We have dill relish and sweet relish."
Mom - "Which do you want, because I'll eat up whatever you don't like."

First world problems, I know, but feeding a martyr can be exhausting 

[Thru the Rain]

And now I want a hot dog!

Thanks for sharing - sounds so much like my own uPDM!

[Honey_B]

OMG I think our mothers are twins 

[daughterofbpd]

Yikes, that sounds so frustrating.

[Sneezy]

Yeah, the martyr complex can be funny at times, and I try to keep a good attitude about it and see the humor in it. But it truly is exhausting at times. Today, I got to listen to a long diatribe about how awful the food is at her senior living center.I asked mom to please stop talking about the bad food and tell me something good for a change. So she launched into a story about how my sister's bird almost died, before switching gears and telling me about all the "good daughters" who have rescued their moms from senior living and are now caring for them in their homes. Especially Nell's daughter, who is feeding and bathing her mom and would never let her stay in senior living while there is a pandemic going on. You know, because Nell's daughter is such a good daughter, while I, by comparison, am a bad daughter. It's wearing me down.

[Maxtrem]

It's typical of my uBPDm it's easy to pretend to be a martyr who is content with very little for banalities like hot dogs. But when it comes to big favors the PDs expect nothing less than all their big whims to be fulfilled (like @Sneezy becoming a caregiver for his mother). But for hot dogs it doesn't matter, she'll take what's left... 

My uncle narc. and sometimes my mother also used his martyr character to draw all the attention on them when it's really not the time. For example, my grandmother almost died of a heart attack and my uncle kept complaining about his misfortunes, which he was clearly making up (his friends would be dying, his dog would be dying, he would be so sick he might not have much time left to live, his children and his wife were mean to him  ).   

[Call Me Cordelia]

How many pwBPD does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they're just fine in the dark. 

[Sneezy]

None, they're just fine in the dark. 

Yeah, all alone in the dark because nobody cares about them, and they have the worst children in the world.

I have lost count of how many times mom has been telling me how lonely she is and how awful everything is, but then she has to cut our call short because a neighbor is at the door or a call is coming in on her other line. She has a more active social life than most people, but even she will admit that it's never enough. She has enough self- awareness to know that she gets antsy and anxious without constant attention. But, as I said above, she can be absolutely exhausting.

Thanks for commiserating.

Sneezy

[BefuddledClarity]

How many pwBPD does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they're just fine in the dark. 

This is gold hahaha!

My eldest brother and Mom do this, but then last minute go like "Naw actually..."


For example, we're going out to eat.

Me: What do you guys want to eat? I'm down for everything except [Restaurant A].

Eldest Brother: I'll go wherever, I don't care.

Older Bro: Idk

Me: Okay uh...what about[Restaurant B]? I haven't had [food type] in FOREVER man!

Older Bro: Okay yeah, I'm down for that.

Me: Eldest bro?

Eldest bro: Sure.

Then me and older brother are figuring out directions while I'm driving. Since Older bro has lived in this city the longest.

Eldest Bro: Sorry guys, actually I haven't ate from [Restaurant A] for a while. Can we go there?


Me:....Sure...How do we get there Older Bro?

My mom uses a similar tactic except it's "Oh...I don't have money to eat out" and one of us siblings ends up paying for her. OR she complains about not having money and tries to pay for all of our stuff?? Wtf?

Another thing she'll do:

We'll(us siblings) want to go hiking or fishing then she'll tag along saying she'll go but literally complains the whole time and doesn't enjoy it. Then we end up going to where SHE wants to go...which ends up being the same-ol stores she likes going to that are VERY boring to us.

None, they're just fine in the dark. 

Yeah, all alone in the dark because nobody cares about them, and they have the worst children in the world.

I have lost count of how many times mom has been telling me how lonely she is and how awful everything is, but then she has to cut our call short because a neighbor is at the door or a call is coming in on her other line. She has a more active social life than most people, but even she will admit that it's never enough. She has enough self- awareness to know that she gets antsy and anxious without constant attention. But, as I said above, she can be absolutely exhausting.

Thanks for commiserating.

Sneezy

Yikes! My mother is similar...there was a point she moved back to her home country and roommate with her older sister in a flat. She was apparently very depressed and alone over there...because she didn't have her little "ducklings" to exert her control.

Her whole family there LOVES her and I constantly used to hear from those flying monkeys relatives asking me about her. Part of the reason I'm not on social media anymore and why I don't like to visit the few relatives I DO have in this city.

...she has the tendency to lie a lot so...I don't trust anything that comes out of my mother's mouth. She reinvents stories all the time.

My eldest brother is starting to become like her, now that he lives with her. It's sad.