Am **I** the abuser of my sister?

[BlueCheesePlease]

I posted in the welcome area a few days ago but I'll try to summarize as best I can here...

Different dads, same mom. When I was born, my parents sent my sister to live with my grandparents where she was abused - my mother was abused by the same people... so why she sent my sister there I don't know.

I grew up with my parents but in a very very toxic environment I'm just starting to heal from.

my sister has always held this over my head - that I had it easier because I wasn't abused the same way she was.

I have been the only connection between my sister and the family for the past 5 yrs. But through this, I have lent her tons of $, she lived with my husband and I for 3-4 months this past year. Basically no boundaries in place, EVER, and when I try, she pushes them way over the line. I have felt obligated my entire life to dedicate all of my time and energy to her because of what happened to her and that it didn't happen to me - so much so my husband and I were so close to divorce. I have been constantly running to her rescue every time something goes "wrong" (whether a real crisis, or just that she doesn't like something so I try to fix it), spending all my energy on her.

about a week ago today my sister and I had the biggest blow up yet. To keep this short, I'll summarize that I came home from Christmas at my parents house for 3 nights (after spending 3 nights with her separately ahead of Christmas). She told me I need to "take sides" between her or my parents. She yelled in my face, threw something (although small) down the stairwell at me, yelled in front of my home calling me names and yelling up and down the street that I cheated on my husband/that she was abused/that I wasn't, etc, told me she wished I were dead, told me she would never pay me back the money I've lent, called me an abuser/a "pedophile enabler" for seeing my parents, told me and my husband she would "destroy" our lives, contacted the animal shelter where I volunteer and told them I am an alcoholic and animal abuser and tried to get me fired from there, contacted my husbands family and harassed them, etc etc etc and this is NOT the first time most of this has happened. The only thing that was new was her throwing something at me, and actually yelling at me in person (usually its always over the internet)

I have received countless hateful texts, emails, and facebook messages (under 3 different accounts as I kept blocking each one). Finally things had "quieted" down but she messaged me the other night and she said thanks for all the help this past year, but for her mental health, she can have no contact with me until "therapy has taken place" and that she is very sad but there is no other option, and that I am pushing and pushing her to see how far I can push to see if she will "kill herself" She also stated she will not be apologizing to me as she has done nothing wrong and that she was abused and I was not.

I haven't responded to a single thing all week.

I want to change my phone number and email today. Today she has tried messaging me yet again stating my husband and I "set her up" this Christmas and that of course it's our fault she has been triggered to act this way.

She claims I'm the abuser for still seeing our parents after what they have done to her - AM I an abuser? Am I in the wrong here? Do I owe her explanations or more of my time and energy?? Please be honest because I am really starting to question myself here.

[Hepatica]

Dear BlueCheesePlease,

No you are not the abuser. You are experiencing a heartbreaking situation. But your choices to see your parents are your choices. It's ok. Everyone deals with recovery in their own way. Not everyone goes no contact. That's ok.

I think the quiet and the no contact from your sister is the right thing. It is time for her to dis-enmesh from you and really seek her own journey of recovery. Let her do that. Don't take it personally. She has had a different experience than you have. That does not mean that she is allowed to abuse you though. She needs to learn that when she lashes out, you do not engage.

This situation is so familiar to most of us here I think. The disorder of our upbringing tears apart siblings. But the good thing is, she is seeking help. Because her pattern has been to blame you, it's best for your healing to step back and set some very strong boundaries. She's said she needs mental health support. Let's hope she gets it.

What do you need? Time to look at what you need to heal. One thing for sure is you need to tell yourself that you are not the abuser here.

You do not need to offer her any more of your time and energy. You are not going to put yourself in harms way to save someone who must take responsibility for her own past actions and even present bad behaviour. That is her job. Put another way, what I mean is, just because we were abused as children does not give us the right to lash out and abuse others, ever. We are responsible for our behaviour. You can be a good person, and have had a bad childhood. She is using her previous abuse as an excuse to behave so badly.

So yes. Change your phone number and block all forms of communication with her.  This is a compassionate move really to prevent her from continuing to hurt you, which ultimately boomerangs right back at hurting herself.

[Starboard Song]

She claims I'm the abuser for still seeing our parents after what they have done to her - AM I an abuser? Am I in the wrong here? Do I owe her explanations or more of my time and energy??

You are not the abuser, you are not wrong, and you do not owe further explanations if you've already kindly explained yourself.

My own situation: we are 5 years NC from my in-laws, but they remain close with my BIL.
A friend of mine: she is freshly divorced and NC from her XH, but he remains close with her parents.

These sound parallel that far, but they are light years apart.

My BIL remains close with everyone, but respects our NC decision. He does not undercut us. He has never manipulated us, put us into situations we opposed, or lied to us. He has never passed on our personal information to them. His continued engagement does not harm us.

Her parents also seek to remain close to everyone, but they do not respect their daughter's decision. The xH was caught having numerous simultaneous affairs. They offered to pay for his divorce attorney. When the kids are with them, they've circumvented "mom's" wishes, and a court order. They have shared highly personal information with him to be used against her. They've lied to the grandkids to turn them against their mom. Their continued engagement does her positive harm.

See how that works?

She has the right to expect your love and kindness. She can expect you to not assist them in any schemes against her, and to never work against her interests. We expect and get all that from my BIL. But she does not have the right to insist you follow her lead, unless you are somehow endangering her or her own loved ones otherwise. You have the right to maintain relationships by your own lights. Our BIL respectfully does the same, and that is his call.

If you are remaining independent and clear of the frackus; if you are not in anyway endangering her; you are doing nothing wrong. It is now her difficult job to process that fact. I'd counsel patience, because she has plainly been traumatized. But that patience needn't extend to accepting abuse. I'd let her know that you remain available for love and kindness with an open heart, but -- while she is acting out in this manner -- you will not engage in ways that expose you to verbal abuse and threatening language. And follow through with that. There are huge steps you can take to protect your peace without being truly and irrevocably NC.

Be good. Be strong.

[oak_tree]

Hi BlueCheesePlease! 
This is such a familiar situation. In my case it wasn't a sibling, but there was a similar dynamic. SO's uNPDstbxw was consistently verbally abusive, threw things, threatened suicide, blamed SO for everything, including her tantrums, etc. etc and had him questioning himself, despite the fact that he kindly tried to help her, always. In his case, he ended up getting out of the relationship altogether.  You're not alone in being on the receiving end of this type of abuse, nor are you alone in wondering whether you, as receiver, are actually the one at fault. You're not.
You want to help your sister. That's of course understandable. I don't have a specific suggestion, but what I will say is that sometimes helping someone doesn't look like what we might think it looks like.
Good luck, and be kind to yourself.

[Mintstripes]

I think there are two separate things going on here. I don't think you're an abuser but you may be an enabler. I say that as someone who is NC with my parents and who has a GC sibling who I resented for still playing happy families despite everything.

However, your sister, based on the extreme behavior you've described here, is highly disordered and needs help. I have resented my brother immensely over the years but I never behaved the way your sister did, either. Having been abused is horrible but it doesn't give us the right to abuse others.

So, both those things can be true.

[BlueCheesePlease]

Thank you ALL so much for your assurance and thoughtful responses.

I did it - I finally changed my email and phone number. RIGHT as I was changing things, I got one last email and text saying that my husband and I are both conspiring to get her to kill herself. And if only I would have stood up to my parents and chose her side, she wouldn't be in this situation. She also threatened that when she kills herself,  she will record it and have someone send it to me so that it can be burned in my eyes forever as a constant reminder that we made her kill herself. She basically is trying to control my life again by saying she is either going to kill herself, or continue to lash out at me and other family members until a side is taken.

My heart has been racing and I've been so anxious since I did this. I can't believe she really has no way of getting to me any more. It's both scary and a relief.

Hepatica - thank you for your reassurance. I am in therapy and talked about it in depth today, plus my last couple of sessions. I feel so selfish, wrong, guilty for doing this, but we discussed how its time for me to learn more about ME and start spending time taking care of ME and that I have been in such an unhealthy state for so long trying to take care of her. Is it wrong that I didn't exactly "warn" her I was going NC? The last thing I said to her was that if she contacts my place of volunteering, I will never speak to her again. Well she did exactly that - and I have followed through.

Starboard Song - I can only hope that NC goes as well with her as it is with your BIL. I am so relieved for you that he is respecting this. I know if my sister had the option though, she would NOT respect it and will fly off the handle. I appreciate your opinion honestly, and almost did just that - but this has happened SO many times in the past and she has been warned in the past that this would happen - I just don't think she ever expected it really would.

oak_tree: thank you, and being on this board makes me feel less crazy and alone for choosing this path. She is not someone I could put "soft" or lenient boundaries up with. Even the smallest boundary (as I was practicing setting them) would make her fly off the handle. It's terrifying and it's not fair to live that way.

Mintstripes: I have DEFINITELY been an enabler - no doubt about it. I thought what I was doing was protecting her, caring for her, doing  what family members do for one another - but I can't take this behavior anymore. I understand her anger towards me at the same time - but as you said, that still doesn't give her a right to treat me the way she has.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Oh my goodness BlueCheesePlease. I am so, SO sorry you're going through this.

What is happening is that your sister is abusing you. Not the other way around.

I, too, have an extremely mentally ill older sister, who has always used her personal history of abuse in our family (and it sounds like your sister endured similar abuse) also as her malignant narcissist "mask" or "false self." To play and always, always win with that most victimizing of victim cards. It's a hard one to not feel guilty over and that's why it is so extremely effective. It is one of the most toxic crazy-making combinations, and I really feel for you. I'm still recovering from it, and it took me too long to realize how abusive she was and how I enabled her all my life (I was taught and practically forced to in order to emotionally survive in my family - it was a condition for love and warmth).

She always held it over my head. I was always, always obligated to care for her unconditionally, both from internal pressure and in response to family pressure/the unspoken family rule (she was also the GC, I was the SG). Meanwhile, she could treat any other member of the family any which way without question or apology - because she was so abused, and this protected her. She was so damaged, she gets a free pass, that was always the excuse I needed to swallow.

Do realize that threatening to kill yourself if someone doesn't do something you want is the ultimate and most horrendous form of emotional abuse. You are being abused. Yes, it could be ranked as psychologically damaging as sexual or physical abuse, if not potentially more so.

You are perfectly within your rights cutting your sister off. She is an adult who needs to learn to act like an adult, take care of herself, and help herself. No one will do that for her.

I have personally known people who have experienced abuse just as horrendous, if not more horrendous, than what my sister describes (if it is true) and they have found recovery and have no need to control other people in this way that my sister and your sister do.

It is not just the abuse that made her this way, trust me. It is something else too. And you've come to the right place and you're making the right decisions.

A hug if you need one, because I know the type of situation you're in all too well ...and it is painful

[BlueCheesePlease]

DistanceNotDefense (i love your username name by the way)

YES! you totally get what I mean. Yes, she plays the victim card - and I feel guilty even saying THAT. I feel I can relate  to you so much. Right now, the last thing she told me was that she will ALWAYS lash out, at every holiday, at any time, OR she will have to kill herself. So it seems like she is trying to control me in a way so that I have no CHOICE but to talk to her - it seems like I am getting roped in to talking to her so that she doesn't either a) destroy more relationships/our family or b) kill herself. It sounds like we have incredibly similar sisters, and have dealt with it in the same way growing up. I literally cannot do it anymore.  I know I have been enabling her incredibly so, so much so that I sometimes blame myself for "training her"  to rely on me too much.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hey BlueCheesePlease, any updates on the situation? Hope it's getting better and that it hasn't escalated any more than it has.

I know exactly what you mean about her making you feel guilty. It can feel like they're jamming up communication and your own reality with their own version of it - with a ton of their own "stuff," their own messages about things! They can really mix you up. But you know the truth, you see it now.

Remember that you can always take that off your plate - put them on "block" for a while, it is not the end of the world to ask anyone in the world for a little space and boundaries. Delete that spam, so to speak. That's what I had to do in my own situation, is just take a break and empty out the box.

And then once you start doing that the better messages will come through From ourselves, and from others. We need to learn to speak to ourselves more kindly.

If you need more support you know where to find it. Take care of yourself!

[BlueCheesePlease]

Hey BlueCheesePlease, any updates on the situation? Hope it's getting better and that it hasn't escalated any more than it has.

I know exactly what you mean about her making you feel guilty. It can feel like they're jamming up communication and your own reality with their own version of it - with a ton of their own "stuff," their own messages about things! They can really mix you up. But you know the truth, you see it now.

Remember that you can always take that off your plate - put them on "block" for a while, it is not the end of the world to ask anyone in the world for a little space and boundaries. Delete that spam, so to speak. That's what I had to do in my own situation, is just take a break and empty out the box.

And then once you start doing that the better messages will come through From ourselves, and from others. We need to learn to speak to ourselves more kindly.

If you need more support you know where to find it. Take care of yourself!

Hey there! nothing further other than that our mutual friend messaged me and said she feels my sister is on a path of destruction until she hears good news from me! Like that isn't pressure!!!! I said I'm sorry but that I need to take a long, extensive break from my sister right now. I told her if she is worried about her safety - she knows her address, and to call the police if she thinks she is going to harm herself, but that I can't just jump right back in right now because she's having a crisis.

Our mom told me that my sister has still been sending the family emails daily, threatening suicide, saying that we "set her up"  for this, etc etc. So more guilt trips, and saying she is "confused" and "doesn't understand" why I would cut her off. I asked our mom to please not let me know if my sister emails them - I said it undermines my request for peace - if I wanted to know about the emails, I wouldn't have changed my email address and phone number. She has literally no way to contact me now unless she writes a letter, or shows up at my door!

I have been feeling extremely sad, guilty and selfish - but at the same time I have also felt so much more empowered, "light" and free, and feeling such a huge relief off my shoulders that I don't have to make sure she is ok 24/7 or feel like I am living under her thumb anymore. I don't feel sick or scared of overwhelmed when I wake up in the morning and I feel like that is really telling of the unhealthy relationship we had.

[DistanceNotDefense]

That is rough that your sister is still trying to reach you. 😢 And I can relate to feeling super sick over it but I'm glad that "sick" feeling is getting less. I know the feeling...I still think about the state of my FOO right now and my stomach just churns....like I can't believe this is happening!

And I know it's scary, but do remind yourself regularly that you're perfectly within your rights to take a break from all this, no matter how guilty you feel. In fact, as long as you feel shaky dealing with all this, the better it is to stay away and allow yourself to heal and "get clear" and stronger about it all. (I've gotten that same advice from folks on this forum). This is all a process in building strong boundaries and sort of detoxing... I'm in that process also, I still feel like crap thinking about my family, and I know that's a sign I shouldn't go back yet! (Maybe other family relationships definitely not older sister...)

If you're not in therapy, I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist in this process too - preferably one who is versed in trauma or narcissistic/personality disorder abuse.

You're right to create some space and I think at some point her pressure on you will lessen. Just stick to your guns. Keep an eye out that she may stop trying to contact you directly, but could also get people she knows (or that you both know) to get you to pay attention to her, respond to her, care for her again, etc.

She needs to seek help for herself, and you just can't do that for her anymore.

And if you need to, you can eventually get a cease and desist or even a restraining order if she does not let up ... Fortunately my family lives hundreds of miles away so I don't deal with that....(doesn't mean I get don't get concerned they may just show up here randomly)....but those ARE options many people on this forum have done so they can have peace....a hard thing to do, but you baby the vision to see it is necessary....

...and you deserve peace!

[BlueCheesePlease]

Hey DistanceNotDefense!

At this point, I don't want to even THINK about a relationship with her for at LEAST a year. But yeah, even talking about  her - I've had comments that I suddenly look so much more anxious, sad, and uncomfortable. So you're right - it's reassuring to hear you say that if I still don't feel good about her, I'm not ready to go back. Makes sense!

I am currently in therapy, where we talk a lot about my sister - and my therapist has been so supportive through this, and is the one that made me finally realize this is/was an abusive relationship. It's so crazy to think about - I really can't believe it's come to this point. But yes, my therapist specializes in trauma as I've been diagnosed with PTSD for other reasons.

We only have 1 mutual friend (we had many more before) but she's burned those bridges now too. At some point I am going to have to let her friend know that she needs to remind my sister to change her address as her current address is my place.

I am definitely becoming more comfortable with getting a restraining order if needed - especially after she told me she "regretted" NOT pushing me down the stairs last weekend - however I'm supposed to let stuff like that side because she was abused........ 

[DistanceNotDefense]

I am definitely becoming more comfortable with getting a restraining order if needed - especially after she told me she "regretted" NOT pushing me down the stairs last weekend - however I'm supposed to let stuff like that side because she was abused........ 

Ugh...my PD sibling pulled similar double standards on me. Not involving physical abuse though like being thrown down the stairs, that is just awful.

Again, I can't emphasize and validate enough how much of a right you have to be taking some space from her right now. It is very healthy, and especially from behaviors and thought processes like those. They are so extreme!

My sib in our last year of contact made it a point to be pretty mean and cutting to me in front of the rest of my family, viciously snapping at me while we were watching a movie. No one stepped in or did anything...you just don't do that, because sibling is too "damaged." I even got dirty looks, like I was the one out of line because I elicited the behavior or something.

It's always been like this. It just hadn't gotten this bad or this focused on me specifically. But my being trod underfoot is OK I guess? She even did this knowing I was really struggling at the time.

Then upon confronting her later, she claimed she wasn't mean at all, that it was all in my head, though it seemed to be very purposely done. Also claimed later she didn't know at all that I was having a hard time (even though she got back in touch with me after a year of her alienating herself from me for that very reason, wanting to support me, so she said - I realize now that this was a discard, and she was getting back in touch with me for more supply).

I called BS. Then, knowing she was kind of cornered, she said "Fine, yes, I treated you that way because you deserve it, and because you are mean to me."

Let me be clear: being "mean," in her definition, is gently confronting her about racist statements. Being "mean" is gently disagreeing and having a different opinion entirely from her over art and tastes in things, etc. Being "mean" meant acting in any way like her, which means having strong opinions (or opinions, periodt), and lots of other things it seemed she allowed herself to do but not others, not me. That's where I started to notice she was projecting.

The flipping of facts and warping of reality is just so mind-numbing. And "reserving" the right to treat someone awfully because they aren't doing precisely what they want you to do....

Like your sister, BlueCheesePlease, she needs a LOT of help in light of some of the decisions she's made and bridges she's burned. But it's not just her destruction of all her relationships, it's also her imminent self-destruction that is the only thing I still really feel for her over. She is a seriously damaged person and in that way she is kind of right - but she "wields" it like a weapon, and that is the part that is wrong.

It took me a year+ therapy for me to realize that this entitlement/exception behavior was something different and separate from all of that, that her using an abusive past (even though we all had abusive pasts in our family) as the special "free pass" card to treat people any which way she liked, is not excusable for any reason. Her GC status (probably chosen by my mother, who is very covert narc) is probably part of the reason why.

Last I heard she was in therapy, though she was only using the therapist as a flying monkey to attack other people....bringing them into therapy sessions so she would have a therapist on her side to confront them on every single way they have wronged her.

Just when you think it's gotten crazy enough it gets crazier....

[BlueCheesePlease]

I just don't know how "much" time to take space - every day that goes by, i feel (mostly) better in a lot of good ways, but then I also think every day that goes by is another day closer to me having to talk to her again... and every day that goes by is just more ammo she can use towards me in the future, ex "you cut me off for a month, 6 months, a year, 2 years" etc.

I can relate  to being "mean". She never told me I was mean, she always would say I was the nicest person every actually, but if  I pushed back even SLIGHTLY on something (ex. like you, I had a different opinion on something, or would not 110% take her side on something, she would put me down, act like I was out of line, say that I never defend her, etc. etc.)

I too deeply feel for my sister over how much she has been abused and how damaged she is and how much help she needs - but it's not something I can do or fix, and at SOME point, SHE has to decide that she needs help and go look for it. Right now, she thinks that as long as everyone gives her an explanation as to why she has been abused/cut off/ etc, then things will be fine and she can "move on". I SINCERELY doubt that if my parents explain why they had her move to our grandparents, or if I explain why I need this time, that she will understand and "move on". Even if she did, she still needs therapy and I also can't see that happening. She has tried therapy a couple of times and left it because the therapists are at fault for something.

I'm so sorry of how difficult your sister has been - it is honestly a sickening feeling, isn't it? but then when I tell myself "I don't ever HAVE to talk to her again if I don't want to" I feel empowered and strong and a sense of relief. We just obviously need help in doing so/keeping that distance!

[sandpiper]

Been there. It's such a hard thing to deal with. She sounds classic BPD. Addicted to the rush of hurting herself, and when that doesn't fuel her addiction to drama, she is hooked on hurting you. And others, no doubt.

There were older members at these boards who helped me in my early days to see that by allowing my sister to act out in these ways, without consequences, I was feeding her addictions. The behaviour is as addictive and as necessary to them as any addictive chemical substance, and it's why they don't stop, without serious intervention. In the same way that only an addict can save themselves, the same goes for someone like your sister.

I came to view my withdrawal and shift from LC to VLC to NC as something essential to her recovery, like with-holding alcohol from an addict.
Count on it, you are her source of Drama Supply and as long as she can press your buttons and get a 'hit' in the shape of a reaction or a response, you are feeding her addiction.

It helped me to read a bit about the 'detach with love' philosophy of AA.
I detached with a lot of anger but at the bottom of it there was still a huge but empty well where my love for my sister had resided, before she poisoned it and torched it.

You need to heal.
There is a book that helped me, and someone at these boards put me onto it. 'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft. One of the members here was told to read it by her trauma therapist and to replace the words 'he' with 'she' and 'your mother'.  One of the universities in my home town uses it as the text book for studying the minds of domestic violence perpetrators.
The other book that really helped me to shift the dynamic was 'Codependent no more' by Melody Beattie.

The thing is, as much as your sister looks like the one wit the problem - and she is - you have your own mental health to take care of, and her primary goal is to sabotage that. They often make accusations that fit into the category of 'projecting' - i.e. they accuse you of something when really, that's what you could be saying to them. It's weird and there's a lot you can read about it while you heal.

It's good to take a break, and that break can be for the rest of your years on this planet. The group here helped me to work out what my own needs were, for me to step out of 'the break' from the abuse, and to engage in some sort of reconciliation. My sisters, as far as I know, are still busy blaming me for all of the abuse that they suffered and as long as I wore that, it protected me from the pain of having to confront the damage I'd sustained within our family of origin. If anyone wants you to answer to them for your sister's pain, then you've found an enabler or a flying monkey and you need to take a couple of very large steps back.

I've had fifteen years of NC now. It hurts. I have built a pretty good life for myself. I have to live with the knowledge that FOO  like to slander me to anyone who'll listen, but over time I've distanced myself from people who want to live like that, and I've found healthier relationships.

I remember the phone calls in the middle of the night threatening suicide if I didn't rush to do her bidding. Eventually the only way that I could sleep was to unplug the phone. A BPD has a festering psychic wound that will count every wrong, every slight, every injury, until they've got a laundry list of wrongs that is as long as the telephone book. And you know what? As long as that is her focus, she's not healing and nor is she interested in trying to heal.

Your job is to let her go and to tend to your own wounds. And to find your own narrative about how you feel about your past.
I found a space where I can accept that my sisters inhabit a different history from mine. I don't need to discount theirs. I accept that this was their experience and how they feel about it is entirely valid. But that doesn't give them the right to deny my experience.

I'm the youngest and as such I get blamed for being the fly in the ointment that made it all go wrong. And you know what? That is probably true. But I wouldn't blame a child for the dysfunction of the parents and the tragedy of circumstances and part of growing up in therapy is finding your inner child and comforting her and becoming the emotionally intelligent adult who can take care of her when the wolves start to howl and life gets scary.

Your sister's entire life journey may just be a continuation of her current trajectory. There's nothing you can do to change that. The best thing you can do is to show her that healing is possible and worth fighting for, by working on your own.

I remember asking a T what was the best thing I could do for the person I was most worried about, and he said 'Be a good role model.' Or as someone else and I'm sorry but I can't remember them, said - why be a failed life boat for one person who just wants to smash it with an axe, when you can be a light house and your light can save many?

[DistanceNotDefense]

Your sister's entire life journey may just be a continuation of her current trajectory. There's nothing you can do to change that. The best thing you can do is to show her that healing is possible and worth fighting for, by working on your own.

I remember asking a T what was the best thing I could do for the person I was most worried about, and he said 'Be a good role model.' Or as someone else and I'm sorry but I can't remember them, said - why be a failed life boat for one person who just wants to smash it with an axe, when you can be a light house and your light can save many?

When it feels like I have no excuse I can turn to in my head for NC, to justify separating from family (and my brain can some up with infinite ways to guilt me for going NC it seems....) at least that one sticks. At least I am doing the work.

[BlueCheesePlease]

Wow, sandpiper, thank you for all of this.

I actually have her next book, 'Beyond Codependency', and it is my next read. Right now, I am working on a workbook of "Codependent No More" - I am just starting it, but so far finding it helpful and finding a sense of relief within it.

Thank you for saying that this "break" could last as long for the rest of my life. I feel really anxious about putting a time frame on how long this break should last. Sometimes thinking "I don't ever have to talk to her again if I don't want to" is a huge relief, but it comes with so much guilt, and having someone reaffirm that for me, helps. At the same time, thinking of never speaking to her again shatters my heart too, and I think that maybe I was too harsh, and after NC after 3 weeks, maybe she will think "ok, I got a taste of what it's like not having her in my life anymore - I'll never treat her badly again if she takes me back" I feel like I should give her another chance I am in such a tough place right now.

It's hard to know if she really wants to change and heal and grow if I'm absolutely NC with her. What if she changes and I never know, because I never gave her that second chance?

A mutual friend of our sister told me today that my sister told her that she "hopes (my name) knows how much I love her" and was saying all this gushy stuff. Is that real? Do I believe that and go back?

I agree with you and feel like we need a massive break - I don't think we can heal if we are talking right now. She will think everything is back to normal and nothing needs to change potentially. I want to do my part, her do her part, and MAYBE one day we meet back up again and see where we're at.

What a beautiful quote, and I'm writing it down in my journal right now. Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness. Sorry for all of my questions, I feel like I'm constantly seeking reassurance for "what I've done"