She convinced me she changed ... Again 😔

[Andromeda87]

    My sister was the GC growing up and I was the scapegoat. She was 100% narcissistic growing up and sometimes was worse to me than my parents.
Over the years I did see a change in her but it's like she has these moments of clarity when I basically tell her stuff over and over and then snaps back into her old ways eventually. 

Most recently she did this after she had a child. She actually admitted my parents are narcissistic and we both went no contact together. During this time it seemed she had really changed. She would talk with me about it all the time and told me she really values our relationship and is so glad to have me in her life...

I see now she only spoke to me so much about it because SHE cared about it, we just had a mutual interest in something. It was luck when it seemed like more ...

She's always saying she thinks we have such a great relationship etc etc. But I don't feel that way.  I will spend sometimes hours on the phone with her listening to her problems and trying to help. I've offered her help or to watch her child. She always seems to have all these problems and despite going to therapy she still dumps everything on me, Multiple times a week. She says I can do the same to her but I never can. As soon as I talk about myself at all she changes the subject, leaves the convo or talks to other people or gets distracted. I realized that it's still very one sided ... Even tho I thought it had changed.

Recently I got really sick , had to go to emerge and now I am getting surgery on Monday (which happens to be her birthday).

When I told her what was going on she blamed me and invalidated what was happening. I was shocked, I thought things were different. I thought I had been there SO much for her lately she would surely be there to support me.... But she wasn't. And when I told her things felt one sided she got really mad and stopped responding to me....
Maybe a week later she started just sending me links about narcissistic parents but literally hasn't asked me how I am feeling or if I need any help with my son etc.

I feel that If it was the other way around I would be there for her during her illness. I would show up. ask her how she's doing, bring her food, visit with her, offer to watch her daughter....
Even if I felt angry I would put it aside until she was better and then talk things out....

My surgery is tomorrow and she still hasn't even asked how I'm doing ... It's really upset me. Why is she not even capable of asking how I am or wishing me good luck with surgery??

I stupidly fell for the belief that she changed yet AGAIN and again it was a lie....

Is this typical?  Like they seem better for a while? And expresses how much they love you and have such a great relationship. They seem they are making progress and even seem self reflective.... but then they snap back to narcissism??

It's so confusing. I want her to be well. I want that relationship so badly but I'm starting to finally understand it will never happen. She is REALLLLLLY good at pretending it has happened tho. Just so confused

Thank you for reading 💓

[notrightinthehead]

Yes, it is such a painful realization when it becomes clear that the relationship is still one sided and the other has not changed.  At least you can see it clearly now. And you do not lie to yourself. You feel this no longer works for you, maybe you have other people in your life who know about balancing giving and taking in a relationship.

[nanotech]

I've been there with my older sister. Once I came Out of the FOG she tried to put me back in.
She love bombed and hoovered. This used to work, but not this time.
I'm non contact with her now. I tried for a while to make her see, but she just wanted the one-sidedness to continue.
Years ago, she would ring me daily and update me on the state of her marriage. I would drop everything.
I'd listen for hours most days of the week. and I'd try to help. I babysat her kids while she went to therapy (alone, because he wouldn't go). There was never a thought about returning any favours. I did need help at the time, as my husband worked long, unsociable hours. Still, I believed she needed my support more, and I put my own needs away, threw them away.
Even though I was parenting alone, I would have her kids stay over,  because she was somehow the important one and she, not me, needed her weekends free.
I spent years trying to alleviate the problems in her life. Husband troubles, affairs ( his AND hers)
Well, what on Earth was I doing?
She never once had my children overnight. Not one time.
To be honest, her marriage was too cold and  volatile, for it to be an option. I didn't want to put my kids in such a toxic  environment. So I didn't ask. Which suited her
I think!
I was just so immersed in her marriage problems for years and years.  It took time and attention that I didn't have spare.  I just wish I hadn't wasted all that time on the phone to her.
I was programmed to do all this, being the family 'fixer'.
I'd been trained to put my needs last. 

Sigh. Now that I'm no longer her gofer, or her receptacle of abuse, she has no interest in a relationship with me.
It's harsh but true.
I'm all the happier for it, though it hurt at first.

We would forgive them in a heartbeat if they just came to their senses and held their hands up.
Properly.
Authentically.

Sister has apologised in the past. Not for the narcissistic behaviour, but for the symptoms of it, such as arguments. I've got angry over certain unbelievable things she's done or said,  and have told her,  but she's always known how to reign me back in with feigned remorse and usually excuses relating to her mental health.

And I fell for it.

She'd be fine for a while, then the cycle of abuse would begin again.

And yes, she has  even dipped her toe with me, into the psychology of what made our parents tick.
But I jumped in, while she stayed on the dry land of denial. 
They can't leave the illusion. It's way too scary for them. 

[Spring Butterfly]

Hey how did the surgery go?

Goodness I realize I should have been frequenting this board more often through my years here.

My eyes are finally open. I could have written what you wrote and others too who replied all except the admitting to anything part. It was easy for me to fall for the DARVO and gaslighting because I love. Years ago I disengaged from any physical support I was able to give because of my own medical issues. I offer words of love and encouragement, cheer and a general "you can do this" with zero codependency or getting sucked into the drama. That's not good enough and I'm constantly hit with passive aggressive snipes just like uPDm and when I call it out with a simple "hey what do you mean" I get heaps of DARVO so I don't respond.

I'm currently trying to make peace with choosing to stay semi NC in that I don't reach out. None of FOO reach out to me unless I reach out first but I don't have anything blocked so that's why I call it semi NC.

[RAC46]

I am late on this, I know, but this entire thread has resonated with me and I had to respond and thank you all for the clarity. I am relatively new, not even sure I am doing this right, but between the Toolbox and the Forum, I am not only getting confirmation for decades-long problems with bro and sis, but affirmation that I am not wrong for wanting off this emotional rollercoaster once and for all. The manufactured arguments, the outrageous disproportionate responses, the rewriting of history, the hoovering and fawning, and the victim card are all like old friends now. What's changing is my own response. Thank you all for sharing your stories. We are not alone.

[LoverofPeace]

We would forgive them in a heartbeat if they just came to their senses and held their hands up.
Properly.
Authentically.

That part is the fantasy we must learn how to release. Because this is making us part of the crazy dance that we allow them a partner to do this with. They don't like dancing alone; the music would stop for them if this was the case. Imagine if everyone did this, instead of wishing they " just came to their senses"?

And yes, she has  even dipped her toe with me, into the psychology of what made our parents tick.
But I jumped in, while she stayed on the dry land of denial. 
They can't leave the illusion. It's way too scary for them.


Wow, the way you put this part! Such an eloquent way you write! And you hit it out the park with their "land of denial", not being able to "leave the illusion" because it's "way too scary for them". Yes, indeed! 

[nanotech]

We would forgive them in a heartbeat if they just came to their senses and held their hands up.
Properly.
Authentically.

That part is the fantasy we must learn how to release. Because this is making us part of the crazy dance that we allow them a partner to do this with. They don't like dancing alone; the music would stop for them if this was the case. Imagine if everyone did this, instead of wishing they " just came to their senses"?

And yes, she has  even dipped her toe with me, into the psychology of what made our parents tick.
But I jumped in, while she stayed on the dry land of denial. 
They can't leave the illusion. It's way too scary for them.


Wow, the way you put this part! Such an eloquent way you write! And you hit it out the park with their "land of denial", not being able to "leave the illusion" because it's "way too scary for them". Yes, indeed! 

Thanks loverofpeace. I do wish she had come with me. But yes, if we don't bow out of the crazy dance we are destined to grind our 👠 heels forever.

Our leaving wobbles the illusion for them, and they dislike us, even hate us, for that.