Electronics never work

[ToAudrey]

 :ninja:So around here there are constant issues with electronics, usually his phone not acting as he wants. This results in various levels of rage and various levels of involvement requested (loudly) out of me. Today I took the phone handed to me because something wasn't working right and sat at the edge of the sofa. He flipped like I was sitting on the pet! I saw the pet, that is why I sat where I sat. The pet was not freaked out. I explained once that I saw the pet but otherwise didn't react. Then he proceeds to tell the pet how people just don't pay attention and they need to look around them on and on and on.

The "not working" thing on the phone was fine. Just required the tiniest drop of patience. I just walked away at that point and didn't take the bait. He's pretty much ignored me and the kid all weekend and the peace has been nice so I don't want dragged in.

Makes me wonder if it is some feeling embarrassed because of having issues with the electronics (sometimes phone, sometimes claims the tv doesn't work, just anything) and so wanting to put me down a peg on something??

[tragedy or hope]

I so relate to this. Exactly! He hold the phone up in my face and says "look at this!" as if I am supposed to mind read his frustration. If he gets an ad... "look at this! I can't get rid of it." he says. "Something is wrong with stupid thing... "etc... I also get baited into working on the computer issues he created by continuing to click on what he thinks are remedies to his issues on it... the TV... I get an announcement no matter where I am in the house...
"this TV is not working again. I can't get it to"... whatever.

Yes! His frustration is expressed, and I suddenly become the problem when I ask a question. the hostility comes out on me. he'll throw down the remote and walk out of the room.

i don't mind fixing it, it takes very little effort to figure it out. He likes to say he "doesn't know," "doesn't get it," or something just to get out of a conversation or what takes effort to think through. this is only if there is no narcissistic feed in it for him. when someone is around to impress, he is like a walking encyclopedia. he knows everything and postures like an authority. He is mentally lazy and will bring up a topic and wait for me to think it through...

He is rude, and often haughty with me. I just remember how sick he is and pity him. I am not stupid. I know now what he calls love is nothing more than manipulation. He is lovable, but not like a normal person who has a real relationship.

I see the electronics thing as just one of his many issues, geared toward me and only me. Once I figured out that I was his target person, I see through his stuff and try to respond when and how I want instead of thinking he really wants to have some kind of reasonable exchange.

unpdh's can be exhausting. Sometimes I just let him stew awhile. He doesn't really care about anything but himself anyway. he will eventually find another toy to break while I am busy. A tablet... a reader, whatever.

[1footouttadefog]

Mine does this crap also.  Needs help then belittles and annoys me while I am attending to the task. 

He will also do this when I am helping him with trouble balancing his checkbook and such.  He will interior, get in the way and nitpick.  No, you typed that number wrine, can you use a calculator, no I tried that already, don't include that it's checked off, etc etc etc. 

Now I refuse to let him be in the room when I work on stuff .

[ToAudrey]

Yes the "doesn't know, doesn't get it" is frequent   Tragedy. Sounds a lot the same as here. Oh yes get him with others (right now in calls or on social media) and he knows alllll about choice subjects. Really good perspective you mentioned and a reminder to not take it so personally.

1footouttadafog I can't do finances with him. I'tried being more transparent about the budget in hopes to curb spending (bills paid seemed to equate to unlimited extra somehow). Just wanted to know how much he had to work with. Showed that but it had some extra info on the page...that was too much...just a number. Pointed at said number...no too much. I have come to realize just how codependent I am. I totally took over finances early when they worked to help organize their bills and such and now put myself in a resentful spot of still managing everything. During arguments this one gets brought up that I'm going to toss them out with no skills to manage things. We are early 50's and only together a decade. Yes I own a bit of that with too much caretaking but what about the rest of his adult life up til then? That's when the guilt sets in  and the temptation just to push down myself since I already have been.

[GettingOOTF]

Nothing ever worked for my BPDxH. The WiFi, the laptop, the phone, the credit cards. It was constant drama with him. Those things always work for me. Bills are paid on time, the apartment is clean, I always have what I need in the kitchen.

It was so exhausting being with someone who can't handle the most basic things without some kind of melt down.

[Veloter]

OH YES!  Anytime something doesn't work in the house, TV, Wifi, Phone, etc, I get "you must have done something to it".  Not sure how that happens since I'm at work all day and he is home.  When that's not happening, I get bombarded with a thousand quesions:  Why doesn't the wifi work?   Do you know why my phone isnt pairing with my watch?  Why isnt the Ipad showing all my pictures?   And if I don't have all the answers, he is so irritated.   

Part of me thinks that this is just a control thing.  He can control my time like he always does asking for help with various tasks around the house.  He finds a reason to take me away from what I am doing numerous times a day.  Funny, he figures out how to do the chores when I'm at work.   

[11JB68]

ToAudrey - YES. I get this too. Even though HE is the 'techie' in the house and HE is the one who watches TV, is in charge of all things TV related etc. But if something isn't working  I have to JUMP and help fix it! It's like a major tragedy if the TV isn't working. He acts like a 3 year old. Meanwhile I could care less about tv (and in fact would prefer it OFF). Like so many other things I wonder what it would be like if the reverse happened...If I pitched a fit about something I wanted NOW and insisted he MAKE IT HAPPEN/FIX IT NOW - he would just shrug and say it's not important.

Veloter- 'you must have done something to it' (I have gotten this in the past and it's one thing that really made me realize that something must REALLY be 'wrong' with him)...the paranoia...Happened once when I went in to pay for gas and he was pumping. Pump wasn't working (I think he probably didn't have it in far enough and 'lost the seal') I came back and he looked at me  with rage and asked "What did you do???!!!" I had absolutely NO idea what he was talking about or why he was so angry at me...SO confused then "Why did you have them turn off the pump??" me: what???? It made no sense.

[ToAudrey]

Yep so many commonalities! Wow! 

Websites too never work right either. One time he took on *another* loan for something he wanted. This time, while I will be paying for it technically, I had him fill out the application and he had to sign up on the website to manage the payments. Problem after problem after problem figuring it out. But stuck to it and did not take over. I just can't anymore now that I see someone has always just done things for him and he expects it. I'm just the latest one that fell right in line with helping and winding up doing everything.  I'm bracing for impact of lessening my codependent behavior as they aren't gonna like it.

[ICantThinkOfAName]

Hand raised here too!  Electronics ugh.  I used to run everytime he grumbed... I would hear what the heck is going on????  Then shaking his head.  I don't know what's wrong with this thing!  It has finally become background noise to me.  Unless he actually requests my help, I won't do a thing.  Then I ask, what the problem is.  Then he's like I can't type in my password here!  I'm starting to think I need to get really dumb about his problems.  I'm not really helping him by helping him.  I need to start acting like an IT desk and ask to put in a ticket and then get back to him the next day.

[Bowsy26]

.

I'tried being more transparent about the budget in hopes to curb spending (bills paid seemed to equate to unlimited extra somehow). Just wanted to know how much he had to work with. Showed that but it had some extra info on the page...that was too much...just a number. Pointed at said number...no too much.

The feigned ineptness!  I can't, I don't know, and the ultimate "you do it better so..."

H is the same way with regards to unlimited money to spend.  I've tried to show him which never got me anywhere.  But I did give him a couple of bills to pay that will only affect him if they aren't paid (Netflix, Hulu and now the water bill).  He has paid those perfectly although he did some goofy things with the water a few times.  I'm looking forward to having our finances separated when an apartment finally opens up and I can move. 

It is so frustrating.  But then, almost everything with a pwpd is. 

[Spidernest]

Nothing ever worked for my BPDxH. The WiFi, the laptop, the phone, the credit cards. It was constant drama with him. Those things always work for me. Bills are paid on time, the apartment is clean, I always have what I need in the kitchen.

It was so exhausting being with someone who can't handle the most basic things without some kind of melt down.

This is on point. Ugh. This whole THING resonates. Can't stand the "I can't, I don't know how" etc.

[ToAudrey]

It happened again with a food pickup that needed a code! "Code doesn't work" so I checked and texted confirmation that I had it correct, covered all the bases. No responses. Then they arrive back with the items and never responded that it was fine!  The upshot was there was no yelling. So thankful there but still I jumped to and checked and confirmed to make sure I hadn't given bad info worried about getting a lecture.

No rages for a few days but I'm in knots just waiting.

[tragedy or hope]

oh, oh wait. here's a good one... any problems with car gps?

I get... "this thing is not right. Why can't it hear what I am saying. I think this is the right way..." which get's us lost for 20 to 30 mins. Acting helpless in front of grandchildren over the thing. 14 year old gets him where he needs to go on his own phone.

He has been to this place numerous times. I concluded, his desperation for attention will cause him to create chaos, ANYTHING is better than things going smoothly.

  go to restaurant... will NOT wear mask. 4 of us going in... I solved the problem because we had grandkids with us. He does have medical issues, so he was able to be admitted w/o mask. He was going to stand outside and argue with the manager.

He was so proud to get his way. I was just glad to get something to eat and not ruin grandchildren's visit.

I think it is important to pick my battles. He considers everything a battlefield he must conquer. Even if no one is fighting with him.

I always remind myself, if things seem to be going well, be ready, he has something up his sleeve he is working on. Also, I am his target person no matter what it looks like. he married me and I stayed, so I am the easy target for his secret annoyances.

Learning to ignore a lot of it has helped me. I just get quiet, say I don't know, or, I will think about it and let you know. In his crisis... I sit back and watch to the level he will go to get the attention he is after. With grandchildren, he talks about himself and his childhood... sometimes embellishes stuff to get their attention. I don't know that he knows how they think and feel about anything. He is even competitive teaching them card games he has played for years... then winning a lot. Saying they have to learn the experience of losing.

thanks for the laughs I got in identifying some of this stuff. It is good to know I am not the only one. I am grateful for this site!

[ToAudrey]

ToH - I am grateful as well. Seeing that the patterns repeat has helped me with perspective and detaching from taking it so personally. And the tips from others on how they handle situations has been so helpful.

Yes issues with travel directions! Most times issues getting the map application to work. Instructions ignored like taking an exit than an uproar, etc etc. As a passenger I need to stay ok alert as it is never known if he's paying attention. There have been times it is to a place we've been 100's of times so I didn't pay attention only to find myself thinking where on Earth are we headed? "Well why didn't you say anything!" "How am I supposed to know where to go?!"

Usually no issues when they are on their own (huh magic) but sometimes calls or texts of frustration demanding information on how to get to X. So a flurry of action to google map it and send the directions. Have to be quick as a response is expected immediately. Responses the other way...yeah no. Reviewing situations like this has helped me not only see the pattern in his behavior but in mine. At least my behaviors I can work so. So very many times I've felt I had to "rescue" (and be the target of angry frustration) and take time out from whatever I was doing to google him out of something where if I were in his place I'd just look the directions up or search for the place and handle it.

Even a missed flight connection due to a delay! I wasn't even there nor at home at the time! That is certainly a case where I needed to set a boundary and not scramble the moment he starts yelling at me.

Just because he's asked\demanded that I handle these things doesn't mean I have to. He's capable of handling it even if he's never had to in the past five decades. I now know I don't have to react as I have.

 

[blews]

This is a nearly daily occurrence in our home.  My least favorite part is when she complains about something not working -- and I reach for it to fix it, only to have her say something like, "I didn't mean you needed to fix it NOW!"  It's clear that her lack of patience and need to rant and complain is the key element.  It gives her one more issue to bitch about, amongst thousands of others!  Personally I like fixing problems.  It gives me satisfaction.  For her it's an opportunity to go off....  All of it is so exhausting and depressing.  Oh, and pretty much never any "thank you."

[SparkStillLit]

Oh THAT one! Gripe about something, and then when you go to fix/do/alter/improve, "I didn't mean you had to do it NOW!!" or thos one is even more annoying "*I* was going to do that!!!" Well why the f didn't you, then? You could have kept quiet, not made trouble, and done it 300 years ago when it needed done.

[ToAudrey]

Oh yes, the rant is typically at an intensity that I assume yes it needs fixed NOW. If a smoke detector goes off in the house you don't lounge about and get to seeing after whenever you feel like it. Similarly when he seems to explode I would try to fix it right away to calm down the ranting.

Blews I also like to fix problems. And I like to help others.

I've been doing better at not taking it personally. The rant often *seems* very directed at me but I've done better lately as detaching from that and objectively seeing that I did nothing to cause the issue so even if the rant somehow is directed at me it doesn't matter as I'm not to blame. Before I'd sometimes get pigs of guilt like the internet being "slow" was something I could change.

Been doing better at letting the rant happen and if I am directly asked for help I will *if possible*. Before I would jump to immediately and scramble to 'get the smoke detector to stop sounding'.  That part is more about me and how I am trying to handle things better.

Oh Spark with the "I was going to do it"! There are so many examples of an action unPDh has said he would do and then nothing happens...for months and years. He then asks for me to make lists and organize the things he needs to do. I do that...the list sits. Then wants a schedule of things that need to be done and asks for prodding to do things. I have no interest in managing myself plus managing another adult to that level. 

[Honey_B]

My narc/borderline morther does this ALL THE TIME! 
Nothing ever works for her, if I try, it works straight away. The phone, the TV, the PC, the car key, the house key... anything

In my mothers case its definately a case of laziness. She can not be bothered to understand how things work, she just wants someone else to do things for her all the time. In fact, she would prefer to have me or my sister living with her 24/7 so she can order us around constantly. We can then tell her everything that she needs to do and we can be the person to take all blame when things go wrong. That way, she has no responsibility and she would love that!

She also enjoys the martyr element of things never working for her. Like there is some hidden conspiracy of all electronics being wired to fail when in her hands and then magically working in other peoples hands  She LOOOVESSS being helpless in her covert, manipulative way where she can point fingers at people when they are MEAN and HEARTLESS because they wont help a little old lady