Remote learning & custody

Heavyhat · September 21, 2020, 02:12:08 PM

My SO is the "non-custodial" parent because his lawyer talked him into giving his NPDXW (BM) custody in an attempt to "calm her down." At the time my SO wasn't confident enough to challenge that idea and saw the lawyer as an authority over the matter. So here we are, and BM has lorded her power over their dd8 in health, school, and religion for the past 5 years. Now we're doing remote learning with my 2 kids and SO's dd8 and BM insists on her only doing school at her house, therefore wanting more weekday hours to do so.

SO feels like this is alienation and denying him his legal time with his daughter. I'm wondering what recourse he has.

Also, he has become over involved with my 2 kids' remote learning as a result (overcompensating I think) and it's getting in the way of my own approach with their schooling, which I already have to balance with their BD, whom I get along with just fine. If SO was "allowed" to be involved with his dd's remote schooling I don't think he would even have a desire to help with my kids' learning. But here we are.

One more question - BM took dd to an orthodontist who recommended $5K in orthodontic work (her teeth are beautiful and she hasn't lost even half of her baby teeth yet, so feels like a total waste of money to me). BM did not ask SO to weigh in on this decision but is still asking for him to pay half. We can simply say no right?

mamato3 · September 21, 2020, 02:38:50 PM

Usually the cost of braces is split 50/50 if they are recommended by an orthodontist. It's a medical expense, so it would be split however you usually split uninsured medical expenses.

Penny Lane · September 21, 2020, 05:13:24 PM

It seems you have three problems here.

1. Your DH is interfering with your kids' schooling: This is not really a BM problem. This is something you and DH have to work out, lovingly and respectfully. It might be hard for him to hear you ask him to back off. Blended families are awkward and even when everyone is coming from a place of love, sometimes you have to ask your partner to do something differently. DH and I (as a stepmom) have had this conversation, and I think ultimately it makes us stronger. Good luck.

2. BM not letting DH exercise his custody time during the day. This is a huge problem. This is a "call your lawyer ASAP" level problem. This is a "show up at her house with the order and if she doesn't send the daughter out call the police" level problem.

Now, should your DH actually do those things? Having the police pull her out of her mom's house is likely to be very traumatic for your DSD. Is she struggling with school because of working at her mom's house? Is she getting hurt by a heavier than normal dose of alienation? Is this system hurting her in tangible or intangible ways? The answers to those questions would help us decide how far to escalate this. But "PD doesn't get to take the other parent's parenting time" is a pretty firm boundary over here.

3. The braces: This depends what your order says. If it's something like "half of all agreed upon medical expenses" maybe you're off the hook. If it's "half of all medical expenses" you are probably obligated. Either way if it were me I would probably push for a second opinion. Like, the child's dentist - does the dentist think that she needs braces? I'm with you, I don't see why a kid would need braces to fix their baby teeth???

If you're able to do this, DH has told BM "I don't think we should do this. If you feel very strongly that this needs to be done, I will go along with it. But you will need to pay the full cost." She's never moved forward. But again if the order requires you to pay it, you gotta pay it.

You really have a problem 4. which is the terrible advice your DH's lawyer gave him. But I imagine you already know that.

Things sound very hard and stressful between a PD and the pandemic. I am in the same boat! My hope for all of us is that we can settle into a livable routine, without too many PD disruptions, as this stretches past month 6 (!!).

Heavyhat · September 21, 2020, 10:44:01 PM

Penny Lane you always have the best, most thoughtful responses. Thank you.

SO and I had a good conversation about school and my 2 kids right after I posted this. Sometimes just writing it down helps move things along immeasurably.

He's going to check the decree and see what it says specifically about school days and also medical expenses.
Does it ever feel like you know more about the specifics of your DH's divorce than he does? I try to stay out of it - I guess I'm just better at remembering info? Haha

Yes, the bad advice from the lawyer is a big problem. SO broached the subject with his NEX several months ago - about splitting time equally and she blew up all over again. Will have to either give that one more time or hire a better lawyer.

Penny Lane · September 22, 2020, 07:30:13 AM

Aw thank you

Quote from: Heavyhat on September 21, 2020, 10:44:01 PM
Does it ever feel like you know more about the specifics of your DH’s divorce than he does? I try to stay out of it - I guess I’m just better at remembering info? Haha

Actually yes this happens here and it actually just came up. A little used provision in their parenting plan was triggered and DH thought it was one way and was about to send BM a message that would have been wrong. I told him I was pretty sure that's not what it said and we had to go back and read the plan. She never reads the plan, she just makes shit up and pretends like that's always been the rule, so it's very important that someone knows what the document actually says!

I don't really love it. It makes a weird dynamic when I really would rather not have to think about my husband's ex wife. Obviously I'm not so great at completely staying out of it (as you can probably tell from my posts on this board). Other stepparents on this board are a lot more successful at mentally checking out of the PD issues. To be fair though, DH doesn't love dealing with her either!

I've decided that "dealing with BM's nonsense" is a category of household work that we just have to suck it up and do. Same as "make sure all the bills get paid" and "keep up with home maintenance." Someone has to do it, the bulk of the work falls to DH, but I'm better at keeping track of the specifics of the order and a couple other little things. That takes up some of my time, and it means that some other chore isn't getting done or DH or the kids have to do it instead. But ultimately the kids need us to be top of our game with BM, and that means tag teaming it sometimes. DH does the bulk of the actual work of messaging her and trying to sort stuff out. It's not ideal, but what is? I think everyone has to find their own balance and what they can live with. And it's totally reasonable to say "I don't want to deal with this stuff ever, you need to go reread the order or talk to your lawyer."

Hopefully when the kids turn 18 I can just remove all the BM/court related stuff from my brain and never think about it again!

athene1399 · September 22, 2020, 08:30:40 AM

Everyone brought up really good points. I want to second that BM shouldn't make up excuses why DD should be with her more. If the order says that DD should be with SO, then she should be with him regardless of whether or not it's a home school day IMO. Our BM would do something similar where she would make appointments on SO's night with SD and say that she had to take her. We eventually put our foot down and said SO was more than capable to take SD to the appointment and any appointment scheduled on his night one of us would take SD.

With the braces, SO was waiting on a second opinion when BM took SD to get braces without his approval. SO is the custodial guardian so he really should have had a say in it. However, eventually BM took him to court over it and SO was ordered to pay for 50/50 going forward (from BM's petition date) even though BM did it without him saying he was okay with it. Maybe it depends on the state you're in. IDK. Their custody agreement says they need to agree on things in order for them to happen, but BM does not listen to rules. So just keep that in mind that even if your SO does not okay it, he may later on be court ordered to pay for it. But as Penny suggested, if SO reaches out to BM and has a record of saying (in print/text) "please let me get a second opinion. If you do this with out my okay then you are accepting financial responsibility for the braces". I think that would give him the ability to say it was my understanding that if she did this without my ability to get a second opinion that she was accepting responsibility for it. I know my SO didn't have anything on writing to prove he wanted a second opinion. And later on his L said we could say things like this to BM before she purchased whatever.

I feel like SO and I became a team on it. And if we didn't always agree I allowed him to have final say as it is his ex and his child. BM just knows how to press buttons and make people upset. Don't respond to her if you or he is upset .Wait until you are calm and can think clearly. Even if it's the next day.

Good luck. This stuff is stressful to deal with.

Stepping lightly · September 22, 2020, 08:34:05 AM

Hello,

I think PL pretty much covered it :-), but just a couple thoughts.

Braces- depending on the wording in the decree, he could request the records from the orthodontist. If there is nothing in there indicating the reason for braces, maybe he can request a 2nd opinion. He may be able to say, I am happy to split per costs the decree if the 2nd opinion finds braces necessary (and not just cosmetic). If you don't receive documentation of medical necessity, you may not have to agree to pay. The good thing is, she has to pay a chunk as well, I find comfort in this fact when I worry about BM trying to drain our finances.

As stepmom, I remember specifics more than DH a lot of times as well. He manages 100% of BM communication, and only brings me into when necessary (needs an opinion, or something is about to blow up).

Heavyhat · October 14, 2020, 11:40:10 PM

Thank you everybody, it's so helpful to hear your experience and advice. And, as always, nice to know I'm not alone in this

mamato3 · October 15, 2020, 08:50:28 AM

Quote from: Stepping lightly on September 22, 2020, 08:34:05 AM
Hello,

I think PL pretty much covered it :-), but just a couple thoughts.

Braces- depending on the wording in the decree, he could request the records from the orthodontist. If there is nothing in there indicating the reason for braces, maybe he can request a 2nd opinion. He may be able to say, I am happy to split per costs the decree if the 2nd opinion finds braces necessary (and not just cosmetic). If you don't receive documentation of medical necessity, you may not have to agree to pay. The good thing is, she has to pay a chunk as well, I find comfort in this fact when I worry about BM trying to drain our finances.

As stepmom, I remember specifics more than DH a lot of times as well. He manages 100% of BM communication, and only brings me into when necessary (needs an opinion, or something is about to blow up).

Everyone saying they won't pay for braces for cosmetic reasons - why not? Self esteem is important too. I have to wonder if the parents were still together if this would even be an issue, or if it's just one more thing...

Stepping lightly · October 15, 2020, 01:49:17 PM

hi Mamato,

I don't disagree with you that cosmetic reasons can be important reasons for braces. Thank you for adding that comment.

I was thinking from my own perspective with BM, obviously "cosmetic reasons" would vary in need greatly.

Jolie40 · October 16, 2020, 01:17:49 AM

definitely get at least 2 opinions on braces
we did free consult @ two ortho's
each had a totally different treatment plan!

Heavyhat · November 12, 2020, 12:53:58 AM

Yes, it definitely seems like BM has decided she needs her teeth fixed because they aren't growing in perfectly straight. For me this is another example of how she actually does the work of single-handedly lowering dsd's self-esteem. Her teeth are in fact beautiful and who knows how they'll land once they're all grown in, but she already believes they're bad. Her mom also bought her a fit bit when she was 8 so she could track how much exercise she's getting....at 8 years old. DSD said to me the other day "I miss playing soccer so I can stay skinny." She's as thin as a rail. I do everything I can to build up her self-esteem when she's at our house. Ugh. She's up against a lot.