how to educate

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mcmlxxix

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how to educate
« on: July 13, 2020, 03:33:53 PM »
How do I educate my husband on narcissism and/or sociopathy?  We're stuck with my mom and he refuses to entertain the idea of moving out because it's beyond his comfort zone.  (These issues were going on way before the pandemic.)
He's from India, so cultural differences make it even harder.  He has too much of a strong will and I need to be careful in presenting this to him.  She has him tied to her apron strings and I need to get him to realize.
We have a family together and I have very little money, so between the two factors I can't get up and leave. 
I also need to make sure he doesn't blab this to her.  I need that safeguard in place.

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moglow

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Re: how to educate
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2020, 06:54:26 PM »
I think you would have to focus on the [mis]behaviors rather than labels, to be honest. If you throw it out there as "i think mom has xyz and I need you to back me on this," I think you'll get harder push back than if you present it as "we need to figure out a way to make this work - mom is being invasive and pushy and we can't continue to live like this."

If I may, why is your mother living with you? Is she requiring care or were finances the issue? Not that it really matters, but sounds like you're backed into a very narrow corner there with no wiggle room. I ask because at this point I can't imagine any circumstance where I'd willingly live with or allow my mother to live with me. I know things come up and we all want to do the right thing, but that works more than one way.

It may be that you have to stand up and keep standing up for yourself, let her and everyone else be mad about it if they have to but you'll be a doormat for as long as it's allowed. Going through your trash, your bedroom, really?? What is her goal there - have you asked her? Regardless, you're NOT a child! You're a married woman, with a family of your own. Her being allowed and encouraged to run roughshod over you? No ma'am!

Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and should respect others in turn. This won't just magically happen. You have to find boundaries within your family and your relationships or you'll continue to be overlooked and stepped on. Contrary to popular belief, she doesn't get carte blanche just because she's your mother - you have the same rights as everyone else. Understand too, your children are learning from this, how to treat others and how they can treat you.

Remember she can only play divide and conquer if y'all allow it. Your husband needs to understand how important this is to you and how it's devastating you one drop at a time.
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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mcmlxxix

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Re: how to educate
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2020, 07:23:08 PM »
It's considered normal in India to live with parents.  It was carried over to our married life, with our not knowing how dangerous it would be.  She used to misrepresent me and pump me full of pills, and somehow that's seen as a reflection on me if she takes me to court and manipulate the court, which has happened and we even had to move to India, although we've been back in the U.S. for years.  He likes being waited on and likes a second mother.  My mom was jumping in and basically doing everything for me that didn't involve a bathroom, so my being a second mother is out of the question, and although I have a perfectionistic side I had to develop an anti-perfectionism to get along with her because she usually has zero tolerance for perfectionism, pretty much.  Actually she owns the house, along with her husband.  It's the parenting that I'm most concerned about, with children who aren't being taught properly.  They don't do their hair and they have thick hair because of their Asian ancestry.  Actually that's the tip of the iceberg.  My husband flips out at the idea of boundaries.  I shouldn't have to sell an adult on the idea of setting common sense boundaries. 

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moglow

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Re: how to educate
« Reply #3 on: July 13, 2020, 08:03:27 PM »
You shouldn't have to but you do, apparently. I think we set boundaries by demonstrating boundaries, not by making demands and ultimatums. Sometimes it's a very fine line and it's resented regardless.

People dont like change. They push against it and try to show how their way is better. Granted she's a mother and raised children herself, but you should also be accorded the same respect as a mother. You should be accorded respect as his wife, if nothing else!

I wish I had an answer for you.

“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!