Hello, I’m back

[Spirit in the sky]

Hi everyone,

I hope you are well and coping in these strange times. It's been 3 months since my father died and I thought I was coping really well. I had some counselling and returned to work after the lockdown was relaxed last week.

Things have been good with my mum and she's dealing with everything surprisingly well. However things took a downward turn at the weekend when I heard about attempted burglaries in my area. I went into complete fear and anxiety. I haven't felt like that since my father was taken into the nursing home before he died. It felt like PTSD and the dread came flooding back. It obviously triggered some fear that I haven't deal with, and now my irrational fears are flooding back.

I've tried taking to friends and family but they don't really understand the conditioning that a dysfunctional parent or parents causes and even when they die the old fears can be triggered. Now I feel like I'm going down the rabbit hole and starting with the what ifs. What if my mum gets ill, what if I can't cope.

Obviously I can't talk to my mum because her behaviour can still be dysfunctional. She seems to have wiped my father's existence from her mind and carries on in her own little bubble. I can't believe how suddenly I hit rock bottom when triggered, it's felt like all the old fears just came flooding back on top of the new ones. I just sobbed and felt really sorry for myself. I thought when my father died I would be 'better' but the old wounds haven't really healed.

[SunnyMeadow]

Hi Spirit,

Attempted burglaries in my area would cause me anxiety, plus the "what ifs" get me too. I have to change my surroundings and activities so my mind can go elsewhere.

I wonder if you hitting rock bottom, sobbing and feeling sorry for yourself is part of normal grieving? I felt that way off and on during grieving. Are you able to get back into counselling to help cope with loss and dread?

[nanotech]

The old wounds will heal though. They will.
It takes longer for us abused children. Bereavement continues for longer for us. We deal with the death, plus the life, of that person all at once. Other people  from healthy families, don't get it. It also looks as if your mum is burying her head in the sand over your dad. That's not easy or helpful for you.
I totally agree that counselling would be a good thing for you. You need to talk the reactions and the feelings you are having, through with someone who is qualified to help.
Thinking of you. You'll get through this. 🤗xx