Anyone go to counseling?

[Bunnyme]

I'm separated from my unbpdH.  He is currently living in a sober living house and wants me to go to couples counseling.  Frankly, I dont want to.  We tried a few times throughout rehab, and he just basically made things up and got completely defensive.  He is a master at playing the victim.  I would like to see if there is a way to rebuild trust...if only because we need to co-parent, but I'm not hopeful.  I know I shouldn't go into it expecting to fail, but I've heard how PD can complicate therapy. 
Have any of you gone to therapy with your SO?  Were they helpful?  Were you able to find one who sees patients with PDs and if so, how in the world did you find them? 

[notrightinthehead]

Sadly, my experience with marriage counselling has been disappointing. H talked most of the time, thought this was another platform to complain about me and put me down. When the counsellor attempted to get my point of view he interrupted and gave his. He tried very hard to make her side with him. When she did not, he questioned her competency.

[eyesopen]

Advice from my experience: DON'T DO IT!!!

I went to marriage counseling with my exw before divorcing and it was a disaster. She manipulated everything, kept incredibly pertinent information secret (like the fact she was cheating with several other men, something I knew nothing about at the time), and blamed me for every single problem in the marriage. The counselor ate it up, consoled her for her tender heart and the entire time was spent pointing out all the things I was doing wrong.

There was one session where exw was so distraught about having a recent falling out with a good friend that she couldn't address anything about the marriage. Much of the session was spent with the counselor consoling exw as she cried about how tough of a time she was having. Meanwhile, I sat there wanting to discuss our marriage, but was made out to be the insensitive, uncaring, emotionally unavailable husband that couldn't be there properly to support my wife in the moment. The critical detail exw neglected to mention... the "friend" was actually one of her affair partners that had just broken up with her. Oh boo hoo, she lost her fuck buddy that was helping her destroy the marriage, but both the marriage counselor and exw made me out to be the bad guy.

Listen to your gut, it's trying to tell you something. RUN, don't walk away.

[maymay22]

Yes TWICE! With two different Counselors, about 2 years apart.  Both times we sought counseling, I would be punished if I brought up ANYTHING that made my NPDH look bad. The first counselor saw right through him and identified him as an NPD after about 5 sessions. He hated her because she saw right through him and didn't let him play the victim that he so desperately wants everyone to believe he is.  He said she wasn't helping so that was the end of that. She is actually the one who turned me onto this website and brought me Out of the FOG. 

Second time was just this last Spring...complete waste of time. But it was my last effort to save my 25 year relationship/17 year marriage. Once again, he just wanted a forum to insult me and play the victim. When I brought up issues or times I caught him lying,  he would give me the silent treatment for several days afterwards, go MIA for hours, then come home drunk and berate me for bringing things up when I am clearly the narcissistic and horrible person.  Anyway, she was very non-judgmental and unbiased and tried to give us the tools to make our marriage better but there was just no way with him. I couldn't be honest and he embarrassed me horribly at each counseling session by telling her mortifying lies about me to make himself seem like the victim. 

In the end, I can't say I regret it becuase I know in my heart that I tried everything to save the marriage.  I did learn some good coping skills and I have to say, it is sooooo satisfying for someone to confirm that you aren't crazy and there is definitley something wrong with him. lol     If you do decide to go, just go with an open mind and, if anything, maybe you can get something out of it for yourself. Best of luck to you!

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hello there, I'm afraid I have to agree with people who have replied already. My experience of couples counselling with pdH was a complete disaster.

We went to counselling when I first left him. He was love bombing me. I was broken hearted. I suppose I thought we would try counselling to see if we could salvage something.

For starters, I stupidly fell into the illusion that couples counselling was a safe space. I was completely honest about my thoughts and feelings.. then in the car on the way home, pdH subjected me to verbal abuse, screaming and swearing at me.

At the second session I was very quiet. Counsellor asked if I was ok,and I said I was afraid H would verbally abuse me again on the way home. H promised the counsellor he would not do this. Again, I opened up, spoke honestly about our problems.... on the way home, H got so angry I thought he was going to hit me. Oh and I was pregnant at the time.

We tried again after that, going in separate cars (I insisted) but it was a disaster. H used the counselling sessions to manipulate me, and would then twist what the T said, so I felt I was being ganged up on.

So I would be very wary. Don't assume 'whatever is said in therapy stays in the therapy room.' Not with a pd. Anything you say will be used to torment you afterwards. Therefore it is impossible to be honest.. and the whole exercise is rendered futile.

Perhaps if you were to find a T who had plenty of experience of dealing with pds, it might be worth a shot. If you decide to give it a try, I would arrange to meet the T on your own beforehand and explain the pds behaviour.

Best of luck x

[Findingmyvoice]

We tried couples counseling with two different counselors.
I would not recommend it, even with a counselor that knows about personality disorders.
My ex also tried to punish me afterwards if I spoke up about her behavior.  I was locked out of the car, given the silent treatment, lectured me on the car ride home about "lying" (otherwise known as exposing the truth).
So, I insisted on driving separately to counseling. At our last counseling appointment, she stood outside my truck door in the parking lot hitting herself and screaming that I was hurting her.

It was an awful experience, I also felt unable to speak honestly to the counselor.

Ask yourself why are you going to counseling with this person?

If you do decide to go to counseling with him, make sure you have clear goals for counseling.
Establish boundaries with the counselor ahead of time, stick to the subject only and don't let it get off track.
For example if co-parenting is your goal, then stick to co-parenting issues only. 
Focus on resolution of the issues, if you can't come to resolution then table it for next session.
If the conversation switches to blame or the relationship breakdown, end the session.

[Bowsy26]

When H went through rehab for drug\alcohol treatment, we were told no MC for at least one year. The addict has a lot of issues of his\her own to deal with and they need to 100% focus on that. They are still too ill and need to recover from their addiction.  The disease is said to be 5% drug\alcohol use and 95% character defects.  If he has a dual diagnosis of drug\alcohol addiction plus a second mental health diagnosis such as depression, PD, etc., it is even more difficult to overcome and again they need to stay focused on themselves.  This is often referred to as a selfish program for a reason.

My H tried all sorts of manipulation when he was in treatment\early recovery and all sorts of things that I had wanted suddenly were number 1 on his list, especially MC with a different counselor than his addiction counselors whom he could more easily con.

I was told this was simply an attempt to avoid his own painful issues and to get me back to our old status quo.  I fell for it back then and wish I had listened. This is a good time to work on your own issues and use your boundaries to keep PD from inundating you.  JMHO.

[Blackbird11]

Agreed with what everyone said - they will manipulate the session and the therapist. It can be a very difficult process to go through.

I went to couples therapy because I thought it was a box I had to check before I could "justify" my divorce to my friends and family ::shudder:: Also - I guess I also had some hope left in me that something in the relationship was salvageable.

What I witnessed in those sessions was actually very helpful for me because I realized there was something terribly wrong with my uPDh and his behavior...which eventually led me here.

[pushit]

My experience is the same as the others here.  We tried MC for two years and it made things worse.  exPDw fired the first one, looking back I think that T was really good and was starting to figure things out.  Then exPDw found that the second one was sympathetic to her playing the victim and worked it perfectly.  I had to quit MC when I was labeled as the problem and told I needed anxiety medication.  It really messed my head up at the time, to have my wife telling me I'm the problem at home and the T reinforcing that in our sessions.  In reality, I was the one trying to improve the marriage while getting blamed for everything at the same time.

However, I wouldn't trade the experience because it opened my eyes to what was happening.  As tough as it was to go through, it forced me to look elsewhere for solutions.  I started Googling my wife's behavior patterns, it led me to emotional abuse topics and eventually to BPD sites.  I had never heard of BPD and a light bulb went off when I read about it.  I got my own T and started sorting things out for myself.  The more I learned about PDs, the better I knew how to handle the situation and it eventually led me to a divorce and a happier life.

[Bunnyme]

Thanks for sharing your experiences.  If I went, it wouldnt be for marriage repair.  At least, I don't think so... not yet. 
Things got very confusing for me last night.  None of the people listed on our separation agreement as being able to supervise his visits were in town.  I ended up having to let him come here to the house to visit and be the chaperone.  It was so weird...like playing family again.  I have noticed an improvement in his anger management since he left rehab (though he treated me like absolute dirt while he was there).  He told me about how one of his housemates went into a raging anger over something. He said he was sorry for ever doing that to me and now sees how he must've looked to me.     I dont know if it is hoovering or genuine improvement (though, when I've confronted him about things lately, he has responded calmly).  In my head, I still want to end it.  I'm too afraid of him backsliding.  I just dont know.  THIS is why I dont want to host him here at the house.  It is so confusing for me, and I'm sure it has to be for the kids as well. 

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hi Bunnyme, I hope you don't mind if I ask about something you brought up there- the chaperone. I have young children and I am working towards a separation. PdH has never looked after the children on his own, and I am afraid of leaving them with him because of his instability and repeated suicide threats. I am hoping to come to an arrangement for supervised visitation. I was wondering how this worked for you? You had certain people listed who could supervise? Was this family and friends of yours or his?
At the moment I feel like my only option would be to host H in our home, but as you pointed out, this is far from ideal. I'm interested to explore other options. 
(Sorry this is a little off-topic here)

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences.

[Bunnyme]

Yes.  It was a hard fight because I had to get him to agree to it.  A few months of fighting about it to get it done.  At the end of the day, he knew he wasnt going to prevail, as he was in rehab after leaving cocaine and smoking materials within reach of the kids. (Not court ordered.)  Right now, it is just an agreement.  Not enforceable by the police or courts.  I'd essentially have to sue for breach of contract.  I want to file it with the court, but they are so backlogged.  I went through a lawyer for it.  The court is very pro-visitation, even in our case.  He picked some people in his family that I was agreeable to. 

[not broken]

Over the course of 20 years, we saw 4 couples counselors.  Three in the last four years (you know he just didn't like the first two).  IMO the best thing you can do to decide is to be honest with yourself about why you are going.  I thought I was open to working on us, but I think I was looking for someone to validate what was happening between us- to stick up for me.  With all four therapists, I ultimately felt at some point like I was being ganged up on for my anger.  As my kids said about having their dad participate in their therapy sessions- he just acts totally different and no one really sees how he is at home.  If you are are already saying you don't want to go, stop bargaining with yourself and spend the time and money on a really good trauma therapist for yourself.

[Jsinjin]

I found that my uOCPDstbxw behaved very differently in counseling than she ever did at home.    She sat close to me, hugged, joked and behaved like a normal human.  It was a strange behavior.

[GettingOOTF]

I did. My story is similar to others.

My ex used it as an opportunity to highlight how crazy he thought I was. If I said anything he didn’t like I would be punished later. I sat there pretty much in silence while he said awful untrue things about me.

I was very lucky that my therapist saw through this. After a few sessions my ex decided he’d proven that I was the problem so insisted I continue alone. My therapist worked with me to see how bad my situation was and to help me to leave.

Therapy is exactly like rehab. It only has a positive impact if you acknowledge you have a problem and commit to doing the hard work. Otherwise it’s simply a colossal waste of time and money. PDs (and addicts) don’t suddenly get insight in to their behavior because of something a therapist said and then commit to change.

You sadly have the additional complication of addiction. If your husband is still committing to drinking, gambling and being unemployed it’s highly unlikely adding therapy will change anything.

In my experience all therapy did was give my ex a new outlet to abuse me. Therapists are neutral, they don’t take sides. The focus of a couples therapist is the relationship, not the individual grievances - how ever valid they may be.

I would tread with caution if you decide to go ahead with this.

[mrconfused]

Had a couple's therapy session yesterday. This is the 3rd couple's therapist. And I agreed to it when I messed up the last attempt to leave.

It's such a waste of time. She'll spend the week being angry, abusive, and i've been practising grey rock techniques as much as possiible.

So what did I have to endure yesterday's session? Crying outbursts about how I don't understand her or support her and how I am 'cold' emotionally.

After calmly explaining I am enforcing and maintaining boundaries to protect myself from abuse, it seemed like the therapist was siding with her!!!!!

I just have to keep up the charade until i've got my plan in place and ready to go. But my gosh it's hard, and also a complete waste of time and money. I just don't understand why it seems the world wants me to just sit here, take relentless abuse and madness and then still behave like a punch bag, no thanks. I'm learning how to defend myself and it's making her more angry. They didn't say once that she should learn to stop being so angry toward me.... and this is why I didn't want to do it, you get dragged into the battlefield naked whilst they load up with machine guns and start opening fire on you.