A Phone Call

[Psuedonym]

So a month after the passing of uPD M (aka Negatron) I still haven't been able to get things out of her place because her AL is on super lockdown (which is fine by me) so. I haven't been able to contact all of her friends. Tonight I got a phone call from someone on the other side of the country from of friend of hers who I never met. She had my number (more on that later!) and I told her the news. After talking about it for a bit the friend says 'so I heard you and your mom weren't talking for a while' and I thought  of course because she literally told every one she'd ever met her tale of woe about her awful heartless bitch of a daughter (who needed to call her immediately).

So I thought yeesh what's coming next and friend said, "I hope she was able to apologize to you before she passed".  Did not see that coming. Anyway friend went on to say that she had had a long conversation with her in which she told she needed to apologize to me, my favorite part of which was 'I've seen how you are and I can only imagine what you're like when you really get going" which apparently my mother responded to as if she were joking. She was not. I told this friend that she was pretty mentally ill and friend said, 'oh I know, you don't have to explain that to me.' It was really a helpful conversation and even though I'd never talked to this woman before in my life and I really felt like she understood my situation.

Anyway, I guess my point here is that, for those of you on the receiving end of a never ending smear campaign imagining that everyone on the other end of your PD family member's rants thinks you're awful, there are probably more people out there that get it than you might think. Negatron was very good at the sweet,  helpless old lady and don't you feel so bad for poor me shtick, but I'm beginning to realize that more people saw through that than I thought and that's probably true for you too.

Oh, I almost forgot! This friend had my number because apparently Negatron had called her and left my number and asked that friend call me and talk to me. A woman I have never met or spoken to in my life. Because that makes total sense.  I'm guessing in her rewriting of history in her mind she had decided that the friend had said I should call and apologize to her? We can only imagine now.

[Andeza]

Indeed, we will never know why. But how wonderfully validating for you!

[SunnyMeadow]

So I thought yeesh what's coming next and friend said, "I hope she was able to apologize to you before she passed".  Did not see that coming.

Wow, that's a shock. I think you're right that others see through our uPD parents, even before we do. They don't have all the FOG clouding their thoughts.

I agree, a validating call for you!

[moglow]

Kind of bittersweet I would imagine, to hear this after her passing.Not that an apology would have mended much but the acknowledgement would have been welcome.  For me it confirms not only that others saw it but that *she* was aware, yet continued on. Maybe even that she and this friend had talked about it more than you think.

[Psuedonym]

Thank you Andzea, SunnyMeadow and moglow!

You know this kind woman sent me a text after the call saying 'So glad we connected, we're here for you anytime <3' Isn't that lovely?

I know this is not the only person she had these conversations with (I'm not kidding she went through her phone book and called everyone in it to bad mouth me). At one point she told DH that we were 'acting like the Republicans during the Russia investigation because we didn't want to hear from her 'witnesses' about what a great mother she was. WUT?  I have a cousin with a strong interest in psychology who suspected she was NPD even before I did. He had a conversation with her that was similar. My poor H had the conversation over and over: WHY WON'T SHE TALK TO ME/ you know this, change your behavior/ I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG! I AM THE BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD!/ okay then/ SO WHEN IS SHE GOING TO CALL? He did call it when he said she'd go to her grave before apologizing or admitting ever making a mistake ever, and boy was he right. Instead she went on an 18 month quest to prove how right she was. 

I think different types of PDs have different ways of (all equally bad) traumatizing their kids. Some are neglected, some live in constant terror. The biggest thing that effected me I think was the gaslighting. That she was so committed to this narrative of her being the victim (nothing is my fault, I can't function in the world the way other people can, you need to help meeee!)/hero (best mother in the world) is kind of spooky. I know that's the heart of narcissism, protecting the false self, but boy it really does cement the fact that there is no amount of reasoning on earth that's going to get these people to see the light.

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm SO glad that call went well and not into pear-shaped land!   

We just never know what other normal, rational, sane people see and experience when dealing with people like Negatron, Didi, Ray or a host of other elderly PD parents who get "honorable mention" on this forum!   

This goes FAR beyond getting old, a bit cranky, a bit forgetful, having some health issues and having to modify one's lifestyle. 

When they whip out the address/phone book and demand others plead their case for them - that's WELL beyond the pale.   

I've never had that happen - what I have had is others contacting me after informing me Didi or Ray didn't want to give out my number and had to be convinced - and it took a long time for them to give up the goods.   

The tone of reproach I'd hear - I am SUCH a terrible person for thinking my poor, sweet, elderly parents are a burden to the point they don't even want to give out my number!       (I chose to use this emoticon since we don't have one of Septa Unella ringing her bell and calling, "SHAME!"    )

I'd set *those* folks straight:  Thank you for calling but I'm not getting involved.  Please don't contact me again.   

But man...it still feels shitty and takes an internal toll. 

They may or may not have understood with more exposure to Didi or Ray - but the people who got it and always thought *they* had the problem and were reading too much into things were truly amazing!   

There is an entire neighborhood of elderly widows who accept help and know their limitations who were shocked to find out *it was never them.*  It really WAS Didi and Ray and no, you are NOT crazy. 

Sadly, some of them have passed and others are ageing but at least they had confirmation from me that it was *never any of us.*   

I don't know how any of those lovely ladies felt, but I always felt a bit lighter, and like the sun was a bit brighter.  The air even smelled a bit sweeter  - it always does when lies, confusion and BS are swept away.

[Psuedonym]

WomanIterrupted!

So nice to hear from you and I hope you are doing well! I did really luck out in that I've haven't really had any flying monkeys. (One lifelong friend of the family's who I really liked was fairly cold to me but that's about it). I think she might have given away her 'mother of the year' schtick during here epic smear campaign. I'm sure my H told me a fraction of what she actually said about my lying/mentally unstable self. My cousin, who I also like very much said: Yeah when she called you a bitch that was pretty much over the line for me. (Probably should have kept that one to herself). So maybe I have Negatron herself to thank for that one. Whatever, I'll take it! And as always, you are right, I do feel a little bit lighter.

[Adrianna]

It's good to get validation. Even when we know the truth, it feels good that someone else saw it too.

I cried when I met the woman who used to run the senior center who, although my grandmother almost never visited there, knew her well because she did use the senior van transport service which they offered. My grandmother grew to despise this woman when she didn't arrange transport on short notice for her. When I met her and told her I was her granddaughter, she hugged me and said oh we all used to think of you down at the senior center! She got it. I cried tears of relief that day.

Then again I have her flying monkey neighbors still towing the line for her. I basically told them recently to watch what they say around their grandson because he gave me quite a guilt trip recently about how I didn't do enough for my grandmother (he's like 5 or 6 years old.) The response "oh I don't know where he would have heard that!" Ha! Sure. Like I was born yesterday. I said I know what you have thought about me, thinking I didn't do enough, and I know she was happy to tell you that I was useless.  I said I certainly don't expect you to see my side but watch what you say around young children. They tend to repeat what they hear.

[Psuedonym]

That's badass that you called them out on their crap, Adrianna. I'm sure their passive-aggressive selves were like 

I do think, like people on Facebook that have to unendingly declare their love, that those who focus on others relationships with their families protest too much. Like either they have a little PD going on themselves or are thinking, "wait, wut? You don't have to put up with that abusive $#@%?'

You know who had endless commentaries about how badly people were treating their mothers? Negatron! She would say 'I think its really shitty that XXX's daughter doesn't do XXX. Don't you think that?' And I would say 'i think it's none of my business and none of yours either and that you have no idea what the whole story is there.' And she would go back to her assessment.

Good for you!

[Adrianna]

Interesting you said that because these flying monkeys likely had pd in their families yet didn't acknowledge it. The neighbor's father was likely a narc and she just thought that's normal behavior. It primed her to accept it from my grandmother and look down on those who don't fall into the martyr role. She herself went far beyond for her father and in her mind, that's what everyone should do.

I am surprised I was able to speak up but  she kept going on about how kind my grandmother was (she used to be many years ago sometimes so I'm not saying she's always been this bad), and how guilty she felt that she couldn't do more for her. How bad her and her husband felt that my grandmother has no one. How they feel bad looking across the street at her house, and to them it will always be my grandmothers house (I am living in the house remodeling it which I'm sure she disagrees with. When her father went into a nursing home she left his house like a shrine, intact, until he died). Just so much judgement from her that I had to say it. I couldn't hold back.

Oh and yes my grandmother always judged people on what they did for others (especially herself) and not who they were as humans. In her mind it was the children's jobs to cater to the elder. She, during a rant about how no one cared about her, had told me her biggest regret was not having more children, I assume so she would have had more servants.

[Psuedonym]

Wow, those neighbors sound like the living embodiment of the phrase 'misery loves company'.

There's a cognitive bias (I"m fascinated by these) called the sunk cost fallacy which describes continuing to throw money (or your time or your emotional investment) at something that's proven to be a bad decision is emotionally easier to deal with than admitting you've already lost all that money (or time or emotional investment) and it ain't coming back. They should probably look that up. Also, they sound awful!!

[Adrianna]

Cognitive bias. My therapist mentioned that. I'll have to dig deeper into it but it makes sense. People do tend to double down when the truth is in front of them, if it disagrees with what they want to believe. I think there's a lot of that going on in the US culture right now! Hands over the ears, not wanting to face or hear about reality.

These neighbors did help her plenty, and  I was always grateful. I mean they really did a lot. My grandmother was upset when they started babysitting their great grandchildren because she knew it would mean less time for her. They knew this too but were ok with that, because her father felt the same way, jealous of her children when they were born, knowing it would take time away from him. For her this was normal and she'd defend it until the end. I had told her it's not normal but it fell on deaf ears, even when I said "you'd never do that to your kids." For them to understand what emotional abuse is would be a big undertaking, as she would face the hard reality that her father was likely emotionally abusive towards her. That's a big pill to swallow and not something anyone wants to do without a lot of courage.

On the way there though is cognitive dissonance, when you think one thing (my partner, parent, etc must love me. He/she said so) and actual reality (my partner, parent acts as if I mean nothing and shows almost no concern for me.) It's an awful place to be. How freeing to face the truth, no matter how painful, that this person never really loved us, and couldn't, than to live in the land of  perpetual disappointment and heartache.