confused about DH/MIL relationship

[apple harvest]

Wondering if anyone has seen a situation before where two parties claim the other is the abuser? And when neither party is acting super well how can you tell what's even going on? In my case it's my DH and his mom who are basically NC at her request after he tried to talk to her about her poor treatment of him and she said he was abusing her and blaming her for his problems. He can be rather harsh but it didn't seem "abusive" to me. He doesn't want her to see our kids now that they're NC. I'll support him in that even though I don't agree but I am mega confused after years of family drama. Don't want to cut off a major attachment relationship without cause (I think she's fine with them, he doesn't agree) but I also don't want to undermine my husband. I don't see what he does but he's picking up on stuff he can't articulate based on his childhood but isn't the fact that I'm doubting my own judgment inherently a red flag?

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! That sounds like a confusing, complicated situation. I believe it would help you tremendously if you could get more information about PDs in general. Please read the Personality Disorders tab and the Toolbox.

As for your question,  sometimes it is difficult to understand what is going on within families. There are undertones and triggers that outsiders are not aware of. My husband had a fraught relationship with his mother and they could not spend more than an hour together before he started shouting and she started to cry. It was complicated. Initially I tried to prevent this and was all stressed out, then ended up leaving the room as soon as the shouting started. Although I could see that my MIL was an incredible self- centered person I got along fine with her.

Also, I have found that most times I did something that did not feel right in order to please my husband, I lost a little bit of myself.  I think it is important to stay true to yourself.

Wishing you good luck with your reading and looking forward to your posts.

[UglyLove666]

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this position. I agree with notrightinthehead  related to the excellent advise re: checking out the Toolbox and PD tab.

I felt like a new world opened up to me when I read the Personality Disorders tab.

I also wish you good luck with your reading and look forward to your posts.

[PeanutButter]

Hi welcome.
Ime abusers do see themselves as victims of abuse. But in any adult relationship if one person is being abusive that doesn't mean that the other person is not.
The most important step forward I took was learning the top 100 traits so that I could identify and name what behaviors I was witnessing. https://outofthefog.website/traits

[Leonor]

Hello!

A red flag would be that *you* are picking up on abusive behavior from your dh toward you or your children. If you notice the same behavior in dh towards his mother you may be inferring a pattern of abusive behavior. In either case, your immediate concern would be the safety and well-being of you and your children, not dh and/or mil.

If however you doing that DH is not abusive or mean towards other people and/or when not around mil, then you have a clue as to what dysfunctional dynamic may be playing out ... And distance, in these situations, is a healthy and necessary decision especially when combined with therapy or other kinds of proactive healing around healing trauma.

You mentioned "years of family drama"
... well, who was running that agenda when dh was young? He may be coming to a place where he feels a need to separate from his mom in order to protect you and his family of creation from their unhealthy dynamic.

Besides, who needs *more* years of family drama?

Focus on you and dh; mil can deal on her own.