Brand new to Out of the FOG

[Deluded]

Hi There,
I'm so grateful to have found this community.  I've been married more than 2 decades and have had a lightbulb moment, realizing in all likelihood my husband has BPD.  He hasn't worked in over a decade, has at least 10 drinks a day, smokes 5+ cigars a day, has zero social life, never held same job for even a year since we met.  We tried marriage therapy once but it didn't help and he refuses to go again. 
He's pushed away my family and doesn't want me to have any friends, not even socializing with other married women.  He's really not anything a husband and father is supposed to be.  He claims all of his issues are just severe PTSD which he probably has but that shouldn't be a get of everything card.  He says he can't work because his PTSD is so disabling that he's too disabled to work due to not being able to get along with people.  He refuses to see a therapist or do any group counseling because it doesn't work and he's so much smarter than all of those people.
I'm about to start therapy for myself.  It's so hard.  I would just leave but really fear that he would ultimately commit suicide if I did.  He has no friends, no close or normal family, no employment prospects especially now with covid and having been out of the workforce for so long.  And we live on east coast where I would have to pay huge alimony.  I have a decent income and have supported us for over 10 years.  I don't know how I let this happen.  I feel so foolish now.
Anyway,  there is consolation in knowing I'm not the only one who suffers with a spouse with PD and seeing the posts here does help.  Just talking about it a little now helps because I have kept  all of this inside for so long, not really confiding much in anyone.  (part of his strategy, I know)

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You are in good company. It is hard when the fog lifts but it is also good. Please read the Toolbox and Personality disorders tab. See you around on the boards.

[bb1701]

Welcome to the board, Deluded. Your husband shares a number of traits with mine (supposedly too smart for counselling, PTSD, no social life, smokes weed all day, and the worry of possible suicide in the event of a break up), so I have some understanding of how you might feel. I agree with notrightinthehead and their suggestion to read through the toolbox and info pages. I have found them to be quite helpful and enlightening.

I wish you the best of luck!

[ToAudrey]

Welcome to the board!

Having somewhere to type things out can help quite a bit. You've already received some great info about looking at the Toolbox. I very much hear you with many of the things you explained about your situation.