Hi new here looking for advice

Started by Luna1984, July 16, 2020, 03:06:22 PM

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Luna1984

Hi I've been with my husband for 20 years, married 17 years we have 4 children together. About 3 years ago it came to light that my husband had a very bad cocaine habit, I knew something was going on but I honstely thought he was having an affair. He finally got clean off the cocaine but would binge on vodka when he found things to be to hard. He finally started getting help for his depression. Things have seemed to having getting worse though and I honstely belive he is showing traits of PD.

It's been crazy over the last year. He goes off on one ( that's what he calls it) doesn't get in touch for weeks with me and the kids. It's always me he says who has pushed him over the edge to do this!

Around February time I had a ruptured overian cyst and was in terrible pain. He was meant to be going to club with his mates but I was in so much pain I asked him to stay with me cause I couldn't watch the 4 kids by myself. He then made an argument over nothing and left me to go to the club. I ended up in hospital to the early hours off the morning. My father went to get him out off the club but he started an argument with him and went missing for the rest off the night. The next day when he was calm and had come out off whatever it was he turned up at the hospital saying he didn't release how bad it was and was very sorry and it would never happen again. He was brilliant for a few weeks. Then it would all go back to normal with the gaslighting him crossing my boundaries, him exploding over something very small.

I said I wanted to separate about 2 months ago. We said we would try and stay friends and concentrate on the children and that we would work on trying to start to get to know each other again as friends. He promised that he would come and see the kids every other day. Well this started good but then the excuses came in. One thinking he had covid and that he was been tested! He went 2 weeks without seeing or speaking to his kids. But he was seeing at his uncles house just around the corner and was seeing out with his mates. But no contact to his kids. This really annoyed me so when he rang me asking for me to find his driving licence I didn't engage with conversation and give him very short answers. He rang back a few days asking why I hadn't been in touch? I then asked him why he hadn't been in touch with his children he said cause he thought he had covid I asked him does that stop you from ringing them? He got really mad at me when I said this and started blaming me for everything. I didn't get back in touch with him at all over the next few weeks with nothing from him either. I was then at my friend's house one night when he rang me asking to talk to the kids (he knew the kids were at my mams) I said I was out and he wasn't happy about this and hung up. I then started getting messages off him saying so much for us working on a relationship and that I had abandoned him like everyone had when he needed me the most and that to make sure I'm up in the morning cause he wanted all off his things. (he never showed up) he then rang me a few nights later telling me to put kids on the phone he was very angry. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea that he spoke to the kids with how angry he was. He told me to get fucked and that he would ring the kids phone ( don't understand why he didn't do this in the first place. I have often told him he dose not need to ring me to talk to his kids) one off the kids came to me and said dad is crying on the phone I took the phone and asked him not to do that to the kids! To be told to fuck off and that it was my fault and that I had tipped him over the edge again.

Well about two weeks ago I decided to give it another go. Everything was lovely he surprised me and took me for a meal we had a lovely day's as a family and even manged a night out with friends. But on this night he actually embarrassed me and our friends. He was very loud( to the point people were looking at us) swearing with every sentence and been very arrogant and ripping people to bits. I asked him could he stop been as Loud his response was that's how he deals with his anxiety. He then turned around and said I had really pissed him off and that he was really angry with me. The next day it was like nothing had happened asked him if he could take me food shopping. He then got mad saying hurry up if you want to go I asked him to wait until I was finished writing something out. He then went on ridiculous and I played right into his hands by yelling back and telling him to leave if he was going to go on like that. No contact or anything seen him today and he said he would give the kids aride home but not me! Asked him what I had done that was so bad for him to treat me like that? Told me just to leave him alone. I really don't understand where the anger towards me comes from yes I haven't been prefect with the way a I have responded to things that has happened but he says he loves me more than anything then at the same time treats me like this. I'm not allowed to say how I feel about anything because I'm scared it will make him go on one.

Sorry for long post and thank you for reading. There's a lot more to say but I would be writing forever :-X

notrightinthehead

Welcome! What a rollercoaster ride you are on! I am so sorry. Please make an effort to read the personality disorders tab and the toolbox tab.
You might also benefit from reading 'Why does he do that?' by Bancroft.
I hope you are aware that you don't make your husband do anything. He decides to do what he does, he decides to yell at you, he decides to go out with friends and stay out. Do you have people you can trust? People who know what is going on in your family? People who can support you emotionally?
I can't hate my way into loving myself.