Sibling is always causing trouble

[BefuddledClarity]

** Names changed **

Eldest bro =Yaw
Older bro = Kwasi
Youngest bro = Kofi

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Lately, been thinking of going no contact with younger bro, Kofi because he has done some rather awful and or stupid things. However...if I do go no contact, it puts a bit of an odd strain on my relationship with my other two bros, Yaw and Kwasi. Though...I may have to cut contact with them as well...

Just to list a few things Kofi has done:

•Whenever I make a request of Kofi,(ex. Please don't knock loudly on the door or ring the door bell several times, my baby and significant other are asleep.), he'll ignore it and do it anyways

°He ignored me for several months due to me telling him he can't come to our house for bringing in bedbugs (he admitted his house is full of them, but said he "doesn't care" to clean them) until he cleans up. But said I can hangout with him outside my house.

•Kofi recently got his first girlfriend within a couple of weeks and moved her in quickly(when she has no place to go) and has stated, in his own words "I don't love her, she's annoying and clingy" and has told Kwasi that the only reason he got with her is so he can mark off his check-list of having a girlfriend and losing his virginity.

°Kofi also told Kwasi that he wants to impregnate his girlfriend so she can't leave him.

•Kofi is always in financial trouble---Yaw and mother pay for his rent, food, etc despite have two jobs.
     -He goes to work whenever he feels like and same with school.

°He has said, in his own words "I don't have flaws" and "I don't know how to care about people, I never have before."

•He knowingly bought a dog that had medical issues, but didn't bring it to the vet. He put it down and got a more expensive dog---which is also encountering issues.

°Kofi judges everyone's life and says he's "better than" so-and-so and is the best---he's not joking either.

•Lastly, he lies, is not remorseful, and admits to using people to get what he wants. (Ex. He hates going to mother's house and complains about her and Yaw, but goes there to get money and free food).

So yeah...those are the reasons why I have been thinking about cutting him off. He only called me months later to complain about his girlfriend and ask for money to eat out...Yaw said no to him so he called me. I ended up getting pieces of the puzzle from both Kwasi and Yaw about Kofi.

They strongly disagree with Kofi, but they don't call him out.

I've also thought of cutting off Yaw, because he lives with our mother and they both instigate in my life, making rude comments and assumptions. He only repeats back the putrid comments my mother makes. For example, Yaw asked me, out of the Blue, "You said you get visited by CPS, right?"....Uh...not really. The family visitor is technically CPS, in that she's required to report anything she sees, but she teaches new parents about baby milestones, safety, and does activities to help the kids learn. So, I explained that to Yaw and called him out and asked "Why do you ask that?" He said "I don't know".

Kwasi and I are okay, but I get tired of him ALWAYS trying to sympathize with everyone. He said "Well, Kofi is young and finding his own way" or "Kofi feels like everyone is judging him, so he rebels. Not trying to defend him but he does XYZ for ABC reason".

I'm tired of hearing about bad or silly things Kofi does. I'm tired of my family enabling that behavior because he's the "baby". We're ALL grown adults!!


Did you have a sibling like this?

When you cut off contact with one family member, was it a domino effect?

How has it been post/after no-contact? Did you feel relieved?

If you have a family, what did you tell your kids/spouse?

[nanotech]

I have a sibling ( actually 2) who are similar in terms of a total lack of empathy, grandiose attitudes, and 'take take take' is their motto.
Well, it WAS.
I got to middle age before I recognised it as abuse.   
I'm no contact with them now except for weddings/ funerals
I'm still VLC with NPD father. He's elderly and not on social media.
On his own ( mostly on phone)  I can handle him.
I've put up boundaries with phone calls and with visits, and he's had to respect them.
If he tries anything on the phone ( passive- aggressive abuse) I either end the call or call him out then end it. I'm polite and calm when I do it.
I then don't ring him. FOR A LONG TIME.
When I do he behaves himself.

We can't change them.
We can only change our own responses.

Changing our own responses enables us to keep safer from them.
For a long time I wanted to ' help them see' how they were hurting me. I thought if they could see it they would realise.
Fact is, they either do know and don't care, or they don't know but don't WANT to know.
Personality disordered  people have low self esteem.
Read TOXIC PARENTS by Susan Forward. Their self esteem relies on putting down others, usually the healthier family members, but sometimes even each other. It's a competition. When they put YOU down, their self esteem goes up.
I'm in the process of reducing calls to my dad to as low as I can.
In terms of my siblings,  I've told dad  I don't go on social media much and that's why I don't talk to siblings on there.
He accepted that after a couple of times of telling and after the effects of my own boundaries with him.  It's a management task.
In the end I also had to drop social media contact with flying monkey younger sister too.
Since I've been non contact with siblings I'm feeling so much healthier.
They dislike it intensely, because they want me to continue taking part in all of the magical thinking, that we are the perfect family  - and they want their friends and our extended family to believe that. 
So.....my not being on social media doesn't feed well into their idealised narrative, and makes them look bad to their friends. It's not that they care about me one bit.
Plus, they can't be passive -aggressive to me  on there any more, they can't try to embarrass me by bringing up the past ( often as they see it and not true)  and they can't behave as if  I am trying to slight them in some way.  (What  ?) And  they CAN'T  stalk my life daily ,so that they can pick holes in everything I do or say.

Their Nsupply has dried up. ( narcissists are like vampires and drain our emotions).

Other Flying  monkeys appear now and again, ( see toolbox) trying to encourage me to "reach out''.  That's happened during the pandemic. I was waiting for it. They love -bomb and ' hoover' you with ' but it's your family' comments. I didn't get reeled back in. I'm always polite and calm about it and I just say that my family relationships are complex and not always healthy. 
That I love them but I've taken a step back in terms of contact. She accepted that. There's no point in my trying to convince her that they are really toxic. And it doesn't do any good getting angry with them. I've just 'dropped the rope.'
I'm lucky in that that they would never dream of coming to my home. They can't function one to one as they sort of hunt in packs!
I think this is why kofi relies on his brothers enabling and excusing. If you challenged that calmly ( boundaries, 51 per cent rule, no JADE ing, no circular conversations, see toolbox)  might carve the first chunk in his armor of entitlement. 

I've also researched a lot about mindfulness and living in the present moment, self love is important. Inner child work is so helpful.
I'm luckier because the covert nature of their abuse means they can only really operate through social media/ texts.
I've told my brother ( with love) to not text unless my dad is very ill indeed. He raged against that( angry texts to me and to dd, pretending concern to my daughter, insinuating I'd lost my mind!). but I've stuck to it.
He's texted twice since and I've ignored them. Nothing happened. What can he do?
I made sure I did this NOT to punish him, but just as a boundary.
BE careful about false concern. They do this when you start putting boundaries in place. They pretend they are worried.
My brother only ever texted when he wanted make demands or hurt me. Similar with older Nsis.
Weddings and funerals-  I'll tolerate them on  the rare occasion where the crowd there is big and healthy enough to dilute their behaviour. I do that so as not to be a pain to extended  family members( healthy)  who don't know and don't understand my family's dysfunctions.
Kofi isn't taking responsibility for his life. Your other brothers are in denial and they are enabling him to continue not taking responsibility.

1. You don't  have to hear about Kofi's problems.
2. You don't have to solve Kofi's problems.

Nightmare. Get some boundaries put up for starters.
Yaw is mirroring your mum's behaviour  and hurting/ undermining you.  It's to wrong foot you and make you feel unsure of yourself. Believe me, it's to raise their own self esteem. You are clearly the healthiest one by far. They are looking to you to solve everything, but they will criticise you in the process just to make themselves feel better. Call a stop
to all of that now. They are just  like my lot. 
Look up ' black and white thinking' . See the toolbox on this website also for boundaries.
The toolbox is great on all of it.

Your other brother I think is  a flying monkey too, but he's the 'smoother over' type. This roles enables the other dysfunctions to continue.
Don't let your brothers influence how you feel about Kofi's behaviour hunny. They are looking to you to take the strain of him, as he is. They want you to carry all of the Fear, Obligation and Guilt ( FOG) for the whole family. Then they will knock you down and scapegoat you. This is how they all feed their own disorders.
Kofi's got to be responsible for his own life. Be very careful you don't end up looking after any child he might have! That HIS stuff to deal with! ( see toolbox again on here. It talks about what is your stuff and what is very definitely THEIR stuff to deal with in their lives. 🤗
Look up Kris Godinez,  she's brilliant. She's done some YouTube vids on toxic siblings and boundaries etc.
Good luck! Take no sh..!
I don't any more. 😉

[BefuddledClarity]

I have a sibling ( actually 2) who are similar in terms of a total lack of empathy, grandiose attitudes, and 'take take take' is their motto.
Well, it WAS.
I got to middle age before I recognised it as abuse.   
I'm no contact with them now except for weddings/ funerals
I'm still VLC with NPD father. He's elderly and not on social media.
On his own ( mostly on phone)  I can handle him.
I've put up boundaries with phone calls and with visits, and he's had to respect them.
If he tries anything on the phone ( passive- aggressive abuse) I either end the call or call him out then end it. I'm polite and calm when I do it.
I then don't ring him. FOR A LONG TIME.
When I do he behaves himself.

Kofi is EXACTLY like that. He takes, takes, takes. The other two, Kwasi and Yaw are the exact opposite of hima nd are always giving, except sometimes it seems like they're being taken advantage of by our parents...and by Kofi.

We can't change them.
We can only change our own responses.

Changing our own responses enables us to keep safer from them.
For a long time I wanted to ' help them see' how they were hurting me. I thought if they could see it they would realise.
Fact is, they either do know and don't care, or they don't know but don't WANT to know.
Personality disordered  people have low self esteem.
Read TOXIC PARENTS by Susan Forward. Their self esteem relies on putting down others, usually the healthier family members, but sometimes even each other. It's a competition. When they put YOU down, their self esteem goes up.
I'm in the process of reducing calls to my dad to as low as I can.
In terms of my siblings,  I've told dad  I don't go on social media much and that's why I don't talk to siblings on there.
He accepted that after a couple of times of telling and after the effects of my own boundaries with him.  It's a management task.
In the end I also had to drop social media contact with flying monkey younger sister too.

Yesterday, I was talking to Kwasi and told him I don't want to hear anything about Kofi unless it's positive news(which...that is rare lol) or just not at all unless I ask. So, we came to that agreement.

Thought Kofi would wake up and change after growing older, but that seems less and less likely.

My mother is still the same, with her judgemental attitude and inferiority-complex---basically how you described loe self esteem people who put others down to feel better about themselves.

My father likes to argue and ALWAYS be right. If you even agree with him, he'll flip flop his position on purpose to continue arguing...just because. He always used to say "I do this and that for!" And call us ungrateful growing up...


I'll check out that book sometime!

Since I've been non contact with siblings I'm feeling so much healthier.
They dislike it intensely, because they want me to continue taking part in all of the magical thinking, that we are the perfect family  - and they want their friends and our extended family to believe that. 
So.....my not being on social media doesn't feed well into their idealised narrative, and makes them look bad to their friends. It's not that they care about me one bit.
Plus, they can't be passive -aggressive to me  on there any more, they can't try to embarrass me by bringing up the past ( often as they see it and not true)  and they can't behave as if  I am trying to slight them in some way.  (What  ?) And  they CAN'T  stalk my life daily ,so that they can pick holes in everything I do or say.

Their Nsupply has dried up. ( narcissists are like vampires and drain our emotions).

It would actually be very easy to go contact with ny brothers since they hate phone calls/texting and live far away. None of us have social media(Kofi's cult was against it, I think). Out of all the siblings, I feel probably closer to Kwasi, apart from being the middle kids, we're both kinda similar in mindest.

I can't really figure out what Yaw thinks because he "yesman's" our mother and always defends our parents bad behaviour which is ridiculous. I also hate one of his lines where I apologize for venting to him and he basically says "it's okay who else were you going to tell?" That's what my mother says too and sounds like a PD tactic. As though I don't have OTHER family or FRIENDS I could talk to??? As though they're some sort of saviour of mine? It really rubs me off the wrong way.


Also, really hate that perfect family crap. It's fake to pretend I'm okay with their behaviour. It's fake to act like I love them. It's fake. Honestly, the only people I love is my son and significant other. That's it.

Speaking of love, I cringe when PD mom says "I love you". I never say it back. I honestly never say "mom" to her either, it's more of a "hey you" or if I need to get her attention I say "mother" because it sounds less warm/familial and more "polite".

Other Flying  monkeys appear now and again, ( see toolbox) trying to encourage me to "reach out''.  That's happened during the pandemic. I was waiting for it. They love -bomb and ' hoover' you with ' but it's your family' comments. I didn't get reeled back in. I'm always polite and calm about it and I just say that my family relationships are complex and not always healthy. 
That I love them but I've taken a step back in terms of contact. She accepted that. There's no point in my trying to convince her that they are really toxic. And it doesn't do any good getting angry with them. I've just 'dropped the rope.'
I'm lucky in that that they would never dream of coming to my home. They can't function one to one as they sort of hunt in packs!
I think this is why kofi relies on his brothers enabling and excusing. If you challenged that calmly ( boundaries, 51 per cent rule, no JADE ing, no circular conversations, see toolbox)  might carve the first chunk in his armor of entitlement. 

JADEing is something I do A LOT, especially at work(I have a separate post on that). With my parents, I grey rock them. Don't say anything. I used to be an open book but my mother takes advantage of that, then I hear from my brothers what she REALLY thinks about my family and it's disgusting.

Mother lovebombs a lot too via text, so I blocked her.

I've also researched a lot about mindfulness and living in the present moment, self love is important. Inner child work is so helpful.
I'm luckier because the covert nature of their abuse means they can only really operate through social media/ texts.
I've told my brother ( with love) to not text unless my dad is very ill indeed. He raged against that( angry texts to me and to dd, pretending concern to my daughter, insinuating I'd lost my mind!). but I've stuck to it.
He's texted twice since and I've ignored them. Nothing happened. What can he do?
I made sure I did this NOT to punish him, but just as a boundary.
BE careful about false concern. They do this when you start putting boundaries in place. They pretend they are worried.
My brother only ever texted when he wanted make demands or hurt me. Similar with older Nsis.
Weddings and funerals-  I'll tolerate them on  the rare occasion where the crowd there is big and healthy enough to dilute their behaviour. I do that so as not to be a pain to extended  family members( healthy)  who don't know and don't understand my family's dysfunctions.
Kofi isn't taking responsibility for his life. Your other brothers are in denial and they are enabling him to continue not taking responsibility.

1. You don't  have to hear about Kofi's problems.
2. You don't have to solve Kofi's problems.

Nightmare. Get some boundaries put up for starters.
Yaw is mirroring your mum's behaviour  and hurting/ undermining you.  It's to wrong foot you and make you feel unsure of yourself. Believe me, it's to raise their own self esteem. You are clearly the healthiest one by far. They are looking to you to solve everything, but they will criticise you in the process just to make themselves feel better. Call a stop
to all of that now. They are just  like my lot. 
Look up ' black and white thinking' . See the toolbox on this website also for boundaries.
The toolbox is great on all of it.

Your other brother I think is  a flying monkey too, but he's the 'smoother over' type. This roles enables the other dysfunctions to continue.
Don't let your brothers influence how you feel about Kofi's behaviour hunny. They are looking to you to take the strain of him, as he is. They want you to carry all of the Fear, Obligation and Guilt ( FOG) for the whole family. Then they will knock you down and scapegoat you. This is how they all feed their own disorders.
Kofi's got to be responsible for his own life. Be very careful you don't end up looking after any child he might have! That HIS stuff to deal with! ( see toolbox again on here. It talks about what is your stuff and what is very definitely THEIR stuff to deal with in their lives. 🤗

I'm going to go NC for sure with Kofi...I was more hesitant with Yaw and Kwasi.

Yaw said in the past...that he wished he could just live far away from everyone and be just do him unbothered. Kwasi and I were talking about how Yaw feels obligated to fix people's problems all the time and feels trapped. Kwasi is a HUGE empath, which is a good and bad thing.

I haven't talk to Yaw in a while actually. He got upset with me for calling Kofi a horrible person while venting to him.

But...I'm done now about hearing about Kofi. It makes me angry about what he does and I REALLY hope he doesn't have any kids...I wouldn't be 'looking after his child' but rather 'if-he-treats-his-future-kids-like-his-dogs,I'm-calling-CPS-and-making-sure-PDmom-doesn't-get-them-either". If worse comes to worse, I'd consider adopting them so they don't end up in the system, or at least find somebody who's cut-out for it...

Look up Kris Godinez,  she's brilliant. She's done some YouTube vids on toxic siblings and boundaries etc.
Good luck! Take no sh..!
I don't any more. 😉

After I read your recommendation about her----I like the cut of her jive!    Saw some bits and pieces of her videos, she's straight up "let's cut the BS and talk about this". I'll look more into her videos soon, thanks!

[nanotech]

You're welcome. Her latest one ( Kris Godinez)is about  how money is treated  by narcissists and how they use it ( or the lack of it) to control and abuse. It's so good.

Wow 🤩 That's an excellent boundary you put in place with your brother.
I did this with my dad, as he would ring me and would want to discuss in detail, all the actions and attitudes of my Nsister and how much he disliked them.
Then he would triangulate my reactions back to her and my other siblings, conveniently omitting his 95 percent contribution to the conversation! (Not saying your bro does this) I would then be harshly criticised  by my siblings for 'rocking the boat'.
I think that whatever the relative's purpose, it's not a healthy thing to do. Nor is it pleasant.
I  told dad that I didn't wish to discuss her on the phone any more,  and if he had issues with her, he could contact her directly.
He wasn't happy, but he's compliant.
He tried other tacks now and again.
He once asked me to discuss her in the middle of a restaurant! I said no. I had to be quite firm.
I'm not my sister's keeper dad. 😨

I'm glad you are taking some action toward NC. I was quite concerned for you, as I could see how abusive the situation was.
This forum is amazing for its support and help. I've been on here for about three years.
I'm on here most days - it keeps me out if the FOG. and stops me inadvertently returning  to the old habits that were drilled into us!

[BefuddledClarity]

I'm addicted to her videos now lol I always have them on, whether I'm looking at it or if its in the background. She spits some truth.

What's cool about Kwasi is---he won't bring anything up if you ask him not to. Yaw used to be like that but...I don't feel kikeI can trust him anymore. It feels like he's using a tactic to "seem" understanding and reports back to our mom. All of us siblings(me, Kwasi, and even Kofi) feel bad for Yaw for basically being "stuck" with our parents.

It was kinda my fault really that I heard about Kofi. I was thinking maybe Yaw was full of BS when he said Kofi was mad and didn't want to talk to me. It was true but he didn't say the whole story I guess.

Yaw just parrots with mother says.

Anyways...even if it's easy to go no contact, I'm not sure if I mighy accidentally run into them. My parents(separated) and both Yaw and Kofi live far FAR away in different area, but..they visit Kwasi and stay at his place. We don't live THAT close to Kwasu but still..

So I was windering if I needed to cut Kwasi off too?

We get along fairly well except when it comes to "serious/uncomfortable" topics bout...life. He acts like an annoying clown with juvenile sense of humour. Makes jokes that are not appropriate. I was talking about how a coworker's best friend past away and I said "I don't know what to say to him, [coworker] told me he's feeling [emotion] and texting me"and he says something stupid like "Why don't you ask boogey?" But we have a running inside joke about "boogey", going on making lore about someone we nicknamed "boogey"(---not the actual word we used, changed it for privacy reasons). But...it was just out of place.

[nanotech]

It's a tricky decision. My Nsister made it easy for me by directly telling me she was going to ignore my boundaries. I'd just asked her (nicely) to respect them, and she mocked me over even having trying to have any with her. She said,

' I don't 'get' boundaries.'

As soon as she said that I knew I could never have a healthy relationship with her. So that was that. Non contact except weddings/ funerals.

With my other siblings, it was more gradual. I still speak occasionally to one of them in text. But she's mostly happy to ignore family dramas, as I am. I'm not on social media with any of them.

With your brother who made a joke when you were talking seriously about emotions (and showing empathy for your colleague), that's a little bit strange.
I think he possibly thought you were looking for some guidance from him, and he didn't seem to want that role? I'm just guessing though and I'm no therapist so it's just little me trying to help out! I might be way off! 

It's got to be up to you who you choose to go no contact/ low contact with.
In my case after going NC with Nsis  my mental health improved so much that I started to feel a need to free myself from further abuse. Also there was more need to, as Nsis began trying to work through the others to get to me.
At first you feel relief, then watch out for some guilt creeping in. Temptation to reconnect can be caused by being trauma -bonded to that person. It's isn't that we are missing them. We 'need' the reactivity of that relationship. It can feel really odd without it.
But ongoing with that for me, as time moved forward, was this amazing feeling of freedom, calm, confidence, and of being myself in my life for maybe the first time. That's just grown and blossomed.
So seeing how it goes after one no -contact, helped me decide upon what to do about the rest!
Kris Godinez is amazing, isn't she? I do that too. I put her on while I'm doing the housework!
It was a forum member called guitarman who recommended her to me.
Take care!